Tori Deal on why she's nervous to watch The Challenge: Ride or Dies: 'It's going to be painful'

After coming thisclose to winning The Challenge last season, finishing just 10 seconds behind the Spies, Lies, and Allies winners in the final, Tori Deal was thinking about taking a break from reality TV. "I was on the fence about coming back or not because I came so close to winning," she tells EW. "Should I just take a break, or should I keep hacking away at this thing and try to get my first win?"

What ultimately changed her mind was learning that season 38 is Ride or Dies, and she got to pick her own partner: her former enemy turned BFF Devin Walker. "I don't know if I would've done it had I not been partnered with Devin," Deal says. "I'm really happy to be back and excited to compete with one of my best friends. He really brought out the best in me and he made it very easy to play the game — sometimes he didn't, let's be real, but sometimes he did. But I wasn't expecting to have to deal with an ex-fiancé."

Deal and the rest of the Ride or Dies cast got thrown for a loop when her ex-fiancé Jordan Wiseley joined the season late, partnered with her best friend Aneesa Ferreira to boot. When she saw Wiseley walk into the elimination arena, she says she was "pissed" but ultimately the drama that ensued was for the best. "I'm glad I've done enough mental and emotional work on myself in the off-season that I was able to handle that," she says. "I give a lot of credit to Devin too because he helped me and talked me through a lot of hard conversations and was always there for me."

Below, Deal tells EW what fans can expect from The Challenge: Ride or Dies, what it was like being back in a house with her ex (and Fessy Shafaat), and so much more.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: What was your reaction when you learned what this season's theme was and that you were partnered with Devin?

TORI DEAL: Usually we don't get a heads-up about what the season is, we just show up and deal with whatever the format of the game is. But obviously going into it we had to pick our ride-or-die, so that was pretty inviting for me. Devin and I talked on the phone about are we going to do this or no, because he was also talking about how he wanted a break as well. We were like, "I'll do it 50 percent for me, but 50 percent for you." We both went into it with that attitude. I don't know if I would've done it had it not been this theme.

How did your partnership with Devin compare to the other teams in the house?

I mean, you look at some of these other pairings and honestly, I was like, "What chemistry? There's none." With me and Devin, you've seen our relationship. We literally met on a show, we did not get along on that show, we've had our ups and downs on The Challenge, but through it all and hanging out outside the show, we have just become so close, in the past two years especially. So why not? We've already died together, essentially, so why not try to ride this one out?

Was there anything you were worried about when it came to being partners with Devin?

A hundred percent. Devin is a firecracker. He goes into a house and stirs the pot. And he's a self-proclaimed hater by nature, so it's not like he's going in there trying to make friends. So I knew that I was going to have my hands full, but I just thought the goods would outweigh the bads. And we don't hold each other back from being ourselves. I'm very much wrapped up in Tori-isms that I still have going on and I'm still working through, unfortunately publicly, and he's still very much wrapped up in what the f--- he brings to the table. There is definitely no lack of drama.

How did coming so close to winning last season impact how you played this season?

In a way, even though we lost, coming so close was another reminder that I could still do well. That was the first season I had done well in three seasons: Double Agents, I s--- the bed, Total Madness, I s--- the bed. I've had other seasons where I've s--- the bed. You kind of need that so-close moment to even have the courage to be like, "I'm going to step back up and try again." It's a hard thing to swallow when you want it really bad. But I walked into the season and I truly and honestly didn't go in with the same attitude I've gone in with before; I went in like a normal person. I'm not here to prove myself to anybody or trying to say I'm the best female Challenger of all time. I'm just going in with my best friend and I want to see how well we play this game together.

Did you and Devin do anything to train together before the season began?

Oh my God, it's so funny because obviously endurance was not his thing. He's known for it. But he was sending me screenshots of him running three, four miles a day and he'd be like, "Tori, if I'm out here doing this, you have to play stupid games." So I would take videos of me picking up rocks in the backyard and trying to throw them in bottle holders and stuff like that. We tried to work on the things that were not our strengths. But he actually showed up in incredible shape. I think people are going to be shocked when they see what Devin does this season, because he's just an absolute beast.

Since this is the first time you and Jordan competed on the same season after your breakup, what was it like having him join the game late as Aneesa's partner?

It was not only the first time we were competing, we hadn't even talked in a year and a half. It was the first time I saw him since we had broken up, and we weren't on good terms. We never cleared the air on post-breakup s--- that went down, all of the drama, which I take responsibility for because I was in the s--- after that breakup. I just was making all the wrong decisions. I was acting out of a really sad place. But it was very interesting to meet him from this place in my life because I do feel like I'd put a lot of work in on myself. But being confronted with the past when you're in the present, it's an interesting game and it's a personal game, especially when you're trying to play a political game. It became messy, and it was the hardest season I've ever endured when it comes to just emotional well-being.

He at least had some advance notice knowing you were on the cast when he came in late, but you had no idea he was joining the game until he arrived. What was it like in the moment you saw him walk into the elimination arena?

I was honestly pissed. I'm like, "This motherf---er. You couldn't even give me a warning. You couldn't even tell me. You knew I was going to be there." But I was relieved when he was partners with Aneesa because I'm like, "Even if the situation between him and I goes south and we can't trust each other in this game, I know for sure I'll be able to trust Aneesa." So there was that level of comfort there because she was the partner.

You can hold it together for so long, but eventually it all unravels — and everything unravels. There wasn't anybody trying to save face or be cool, everybody was just raw and authentic this season, when it comes to the people who we just mentioned, which I give everybody credit for. It's hard to go on there and not care about how people are going to perceive you reacting to drama. But we went out there and, dude, we let it all unravel. I'm nervous to watch it back because I just know it's going to poke at my heartstrings again. It's going to be painful. But I think it was important for the healing process.

What was it like being in the house with both Jordan and Fessy?

That was not great because, nothing personal against Fessy, and I always say this, him and I are friends and we're cool and I took responsibility for how I acted after Jordan and I broke up. But I really definitely made a mess and it was like sitting in my s---. I'm like, "F---, if I could just go back two years and be like, Tori, you're really going to regret this because you're going to have to live in a house with both of these guys, it's going to be uncomfortable," that would've been a great warning. You live and you learn. I tried to make the best of the situation, and it's uncomfortable. It's awkward for sure.

The super trailer for this season revealed that Jordan hooks up with another player right in front of you. What was it like watching that happen in the house?

I was just not expecting that. I would've never thought in a million years that would've ever happened, so when it did and the way that it all happened, it's a really hard thing to process and deal with when you have a camera on your face. It just became increasingly difficult to stay calm because it just kept building up, and eventually you break. Like I said, I'm not excited to watch the entire thing back, but at the same time I recognize it is what it is and I obviously, at one point in time, hurt Jordan too. I'm not saying that anything either one of us did was okay, but I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm a victim because I understand that I also was pretty big part of creating a negative narrative between the two of us. It's a lot, though.

After going through so many failed relationships on The Challenge, all on camera, do you think twice now about getting involved with someone on the show?

[Laughs] A hundred percent. I am so emotionally unavailable now, and it's funny because it's just not in my book anymore at this point. Flirting is fun, all that stuff is fun. But after the s---show, being in a relationship and engaged and breaking up and more cast members being involved, no. I'm just so in self-preservation mode that I can't even imagine hooking up with somebody else from the show anymore. But I sign up for it, so it is what it is. It's just part of the process I feel like people don't really understand. I grew up on this show — I started when I was 23, and I'm 29 now. I've been playing for six years, so you're going to see me at points in my life where I'm making decisions that aren't that great, or I'm trying something that isn't going to work. I'm truly growing up on TV. I'm the strongest I've ever been now, and I'm very grateful that I went on the show and had the season that I had. I'm just focused on the good.

What are you excited for fans to see from you this season?

Oh God, just the raw truth. I see some things that people say on social media like, "She's fake. She doesn't take accountability," blah, blah, blah. But this season, it wasn't about caring about how I looked, I was just very genuine. I'm excited to just be myself without giving a s--- about how it's going to be perceived, and that type of attitude really favored my game play too because I was just honest with people. But I'm a little nervous now.

The Challenge: Ride or Dies premieres Wednesday, Oct. 12, at 8 p.m. ET/PT on MTV.

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