Sandy Hook Survivor Who Lost Twin Brother Speaks Out: 'His Soul Is Intertwined with Mine' (Exclusive)

Last month, Arielle Pozner, a survivor of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting whose twin brother, Noah Pozner, was killed along with 25 others, graduated from high school. The 17-year-old and dozens of other first graders who lived through that day are now entering young adulthood.

"When I had to order my graduation gown, I was thinking since we’re in alphabetical order, he [Noah] would have been right next to me," Arielle tells PEOPLE in her first interview.

Here, Arielle reflects on the loss of her 6 year old twin, her memories of that day, how she stays connected to him, as well as what's ahead.

We were rambunctious kids. Together we were unstoppable. Experiencing a loss at that age, it never fully sunk in. At first, even though I knew Noah wasn’t coming back, I still thought he would show up in a few months. I didn’t understand the permanence.

I have one specific memory: We had three booster seats in the back of our car for me, Noah and my sister, Sophia, and I remember the day my dad took out one of them was the day it solidified. 

That time period in my mind is fuzzy. There are moments I’m able to grab onto and then it shifts to before and after. I remember that day [of the shooting], a series of events. We hid in the bathroom of our class. I remember the tightness of the room. My teacher put a bookshelf in front of the door.

I remember the kids not really knowing what was going on. I remember some kids who were saying, “Let me out there. I can fight him.” I remember them being super tiny and they were like “Yeah, we’ll take him.” And then when the police showed up, our teacher made him slide the badge under the door so she’d know it was an officer. Then I remember being told to close my eyes and being led out.

I always had that feeling that I was meant to be a twin and now that I don’t have one, I will always feel a vacancy but I wear a locket with his photo every day — even in the shower. I feel more connected when I wear this, more complete.

There’s something in me that hopes for change. Because how many deaths will be enough? People’s lives are at risk. Even after people die, there’s a domino effect. 

After Sandy Hook, we had an art therapist to help cope. Me and my sister started going to art camp in elementary school. Art had a big impact on my life. I always found it calming.

I am passionate about art, mostly painting and portraiture. I am going to a local college here in Florida [after my family relocated from Connecticut] and would love to pursue art at Savannah College of Art and Design. I really am at a good point in my life. 

I think about doing art therapy because how much it affected the trajectory of my life. I love art and kids. I’m thinking about being an elementary school art teacher. I love that age because kids that age so curious. 

I try to talk about Noah so that he doesn’t become lost with time and memory, and I feel more connected to him when I’m speaking about him and honoring him. I feel like his soul is intertwined with mine, even if we never got to know each other. He will always be my twin brother.