Chick Fight stars Malin Akerman, who resembles the superb Lucy Lawless when she is not a brunette and is best known for playing Silk Spectre II in Watchmen, as Anna, a broke coffee shop owner who is on a losing streak until she discovers various family secrets, which lead her to an underground women’s fight club. She embraces the original inspiration of the club that if you can face your fears in the ring then you can face them anywhere so she can get her life in order and rescue the club’s soul from the collection of mean girls who want to dominate the club and take it from the original members, which was one storyline too many. If we are really supposed to believe that this club creates community, then it would have been better to focus on how fighting each other in the ring created bonds over women who fight each other are automatically in conflict since the prior is the actual premise of the club.

Chick Fight is not a good movie, and this verdict is coming from a woman who watched and enjoyed The Spy Who Dumped Me. The movie is supposed to be inspirational and funny, but is neither. There is zero chemistry between anyone whether the relationship is romantic, a rivalry or friendship. I had a hard time believing that these characters knew each other for longer than five minutes, and the story is supposed to weave together a long-standing community with ties that go back decades. I do not want to spoil the movie, but when the whole underlying secret premise is so unbelievable, it annoyed me.

I hated the way that Chick Fight was shot. I prefer the Fred Astaire approach to capturing movement over the chaotic cinema vibe that this film had. The scenes were choppy. The movement abbreviated. It was rare to get a complete sense of the fight. At least when chaos cinema is done properly, you can empathize with the emotion of a character, but it was just messy and communicated nothing else other than the women were not holding back. I enjoyed the final fight scene because there is a payoff with the main character’s organic advantage, but otherwise the fighting did not feel energizing, impressive or accessible. There was a sameness to the fight that contrasted with the dialogue about the fights. It also does not help that the fighting was not utilized to further character development of the entire cast since most of the women on stage existed only in the ring and in relation to the main character, not as a complete individual with a style reflected in her physicality.

Because the goal of Chick Fight is for Anna to get the life that she always wanted, naturally it involves getting a guy, but this movie believes that simply being a guy and a doctor makes you attractive. I am sure that Kevin Connolly is a wonderful person, but other than existing as Dr. Roy Park and apparently being the only single, straight guy in the area, why would any woman want him, and why would he want any of the women that are inexplicably fighting over him? There are no moments between him and his romantic prospects to suggest that he shares interests in common or that there is a spark of any kind. He is the sibling of one of the fighters, and there is not even sibling camaraderie between the two. It is as if the filmmaker is actually an artificial intelligence program designed to make movies based on cliches. Also to be fair, why would he like Anna or any heterosexual woman character?

Chick Fight is also one of those movies that allegedly preaches girl power, but feels suspiciously as if it actually hates women or the idea of women is completely alien. Why do women seem to lean towards owning coffee shops or can only work at coffee shops? All the women are vaguely hostile to each other for no reason, which is actually unnecessary even if they are physically fighting. There was more bonhomie in Lady Bloodfight. Anna’s best friend is Charleen, whom The Daily Show’s delightful Dulce Sloan plays, but Anna barely seems to like her hard drinking, high cop friend, which is a shame because she gives the movie a verve severely lacking throughout the film in spite of the character feeling like a trope.

Chick Fight’s hero is written as a bit of a kill joy, and I have no idea why we are supposed to like her other than general empathy for a person having a bad streak and good will Akerman stored over the years. For a woman whose life is not together, she basically exists to disapprove of everyone around her and express shock at everyone that she claims to love, especially if they are not heterosexual. While the movie has more than the average gay, sexual fluid or pansexual or trans characters, it feels as if the movie is laughing at them, not with them, and sees them more as an outrageous punchline. I was so excited to see Alec Mapa, whom I have not seen since Ugly Betty, but he is underutilized. I began to wonder what this film would have been like if it followed a person who was always in the club or was gay instead of a clueless, bland everywoman. Side note: come on! Am I supposed to believe that the luminous Akerman is a loser?

The most baffling moment of Chick Fight is when Anna decides that she needs to train to perform well in fight club, one of the more long-standing members does not train her, but Alec Baldwin does. I get it. If you can get Alec Baldwin in your movie, you use him, but like this? I am aware that Baldwin hosts talk shows and game shows. I respect the hustle, and there is no shame in hard work, but this man was considered one of the greatest actors of all time, and now he is playing a fighting bar fly. He deserves better. Times are rough.

If I had to pick a single aspect that I hated about Chick Fight, it is the way that the movie depicted finances. In between no money and owning a business is getting a job. How did she get this business? How is she devoting her days to training and providing for herself? Why was being a coffee shop owner so crucial to her identity? Trust me, it was. In spite of all the changes that she made to her life, she still was still one by the end of the film. After not having insurance on your property, why would anyone trust her with anything? How is she not sued? Also this point is minor, but evictions do not work that way.

Everyone in Chick Fight needs to talk to their agent because no one did any work so bad that they deserved to be in this movie, which is the only redeeming factor. Movies are hard to make. Who green lit this production? It is not the worst movie that I have ever seen, but it so stubbornly fails at accomplishing any of its goals and its strenuous efforts to remain bland and likable to the broadest audience was its worst enemy. At least horrible movies make a statement. Do not watch it!