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Navigating different relationships within spaces in my community always felt safe until it didn’t. The pivotal influence that your support system has on your emotional and mental development is something that most don’t consider. My Modesto community aided, protected, and guided me, except for when it mattered most due to racial systemic barriers. I never knew how much I longed to be understood until my then-mentor and now-agent, Mr. Renaldo Rucker, affirmed the accountability and empathy that released and liberated me even more. While I knew I wasn’t perfect, I always knew I was worth it.
Being a sexual assault/kidnapping survivor forced me into boxes I couldn’t see my way out of. With a pending case that was still active in D.C., I was getting to know two different women while operating in my trauma-based mind. I was on a mission to escape from myself, always hoping I would eventually land somewhere safe. My community shocked me by proving that they would not treat me any differently than those who did not know me.
Vulnerability Exploited
When Michael Baldwin approached me, I didn’t feel the worry I should’ve. I didn’t feel the danger that I had come to grow so accustomed to knowing. He was sly, smooth, and conniving. I underestimated him like I seemed to do with everyone that was out to cause me harm. Though our initial interaction was brief, I believe at that moment, he acquired everything he needed to persuade me. Presenting himself as a counselor who could provide me with the emotional and mental support I needed at that time, it was hard for me to acknowledge the fact that he was disguising himself as whatever I needed him to be to get to me.
When Baldwin and I met at the local Starbucks to discuss the range of a therapeutic and platonic relationship, he was professional and did not indicate that he would take advantage of the vulnerability I was so desperate to share. Like a running faucet, I thought I needed to maintain a level of transparency, fearing that the more I held back, the less he would be able to help me. Little did I know, I was giving him exactly what he needed to plan his special attack. I never understood how someone could listen to the things I had been through and want to do anything but help me, but here we are, and here it goes.
The Revelation of True Intent
Cruising the altitude of the unknown, I never compromised on being genuine, authentic, and myself. I utilized the space he offered me in a way I thought I should, and with him being my unofficial “counselor”, he was the only person I felt I could turn to. I texted him that I needed a meeting, and he sent me the address of his office. The office was not one I assumed would put me in a position that I found myself in time and time again, being too trusting with all the wrong people. The office I didn’t assume to be in his home.
I felt leery that I offered him a raw perspective of being taken advantage of by men in certain spaces, and I was now parked outside of his house; but I went in anyway, choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Pouring out my heart to this man who wanted nothing pure from me, it wasn’t long into the meeting when he showed his true colors and intent. When he walked toward me, I knew I had made the wrong decision in being there. I had betrayed myself once again by being too trusting and naïve. Rubbing my shoulders, he began telling me how attractive I was, and how he wanted to be respectful of me. Confused, manipulated, and violated, I felt the only thing that mattered at that point was getting out of there. I did my best to act maturely like I always have done to protect and aid myself out of this process.
The Disillusionment of Trust in Communal Spaces
When the story presented itself to my mentors, humiliation was an understatement. I could see the disappointment and turmoil they wore on their faces while doing their best to feed my concerns, but it wasn’t enough. Hearing, “You are an adult now,” forced me to the realization that there was nothing they could do for me. While their intentions seemed pure, I wondered how this one interaction could discredit all they had once seen in me.
I wondered how Baldwin was more trustworthy than someone they had seen grow and sprout, especially with his background of being a sexual offender. I wondered how they could choose to be involved with someone with that level of deceit over someone who just didn’t see it coming. I was now violated in my community, estranged by the façade of a newcomer’s character.
I now understand how vital the vetting process should be within our communities, and how creating safe spaces is so important to ensure a solid foundation that cannot be invaded by someone who hasn’t put the time in at all.
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Ensuring Protection and Regard
How do we fight for our own? How are we showing up for our own? What does it take for our own to be regarded and protected? How are we making sure that we are preserving the light that is so easily clouded by darkness? How are we fighting for our truth?
In being authentic and bold in affirming your truth, I can only hope it begins to shed light on the delicacy of these safe spaces. I can only hope it starts to remove the jackets so many of us have to wear due to meal tickets, ignorance, and lack of knowledge. My goal is that we all begin to sprout diligently and honestly in a way that makes everyone comfortable and accountable. Presently, I wish for everyone to have more awareness and choose to believe the facts that circle you.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country and operates the DoD Safe Helpline for the Department of Defense.