We talk to boys and men with facts. Cut and dry, goal-oriented, with little to no focus on emotion. Society tells men to win, lead, provide and prosper. They are told what to achieve, which goals to chase and that they should always be wanting more, bigger and better. There is incessant pressure to be the best in order to prove their worth, show that they’re the strongest and be ‘man enough’. But what does that really mean?
Toxic masculinity
Beyond ingrained societal ideologies, social media movements such as ‘alpha male’ culture further enforce the expectation of winning. Toxic masculinity, referring to stereotypical social guidelines set for men and manliness, ultimately have a negative impact on both men and women.
Exposure to toxic masculinity, which often involves showy displays of wealth and exploitation of women, makes it even easier for men to feel lacking. The proverbial bar of success has gone from challenging to downright impossible. Even during something as light-hearted as exercise, the pressure to prove one’s masculinity can be overbearing.
“The truth is that simply being heard and feeling seen can lighten the load of a heavy heart”
I see newcomers weekly as a yoga teacher. Women come in excited and maybe a little shy, telling me they might not be good at this but are eager to try. Men, however, often display an added layer of embarrassment. They’ll blush, avert their eyes, choose a corner at the back and assert that it’s their first time doing something like this.
Men feel uncomfortable trying modes of exercise that are perceived as softer because society has made them see it as feminine or dainty. (Never mind the fact that yoga can be equally, if not more, challenging as pumping weights in the gym.) It might be time to realise that everyone has masculine and feminine sides; they are not mutually exclusive.
The power of words
‘Boys don’t cry.’ ‘Men don’t wear pink.’ ‘Boys will be boys.’ These ubiquitous phrases surround men from childhood.
Whether you believe in manifestation, reinforced ideas or your good old subconsciousness, words hold the power to alter how you view the world, move through life and who you become. Women and men are both subjected to stereotypes, which hurt them in a variety of ways. While women in leadership positions are often looked at disdainfully and labelled bossy, men are celebrated and labelled as natural leaders. The other side of that coin is that while women are allowed to grieve, heal and learn emotionally, men often aren’t allowed that luxury. They are expected to simply do better, move on and plan the next win. They don’t process emotions and may shut down emotionally, ultimately pushing the people around them away.
The cost of winning
In subtler ways, a lack of community among men has only further bred toxic masculinity. It is known among social media users that selfies from women garner comments from friends such as ‘stunning’, ‘queen’ and ‘gorgeous’, but it is uncommon for men to uplift each other in the same way. Within male friendship groups, there is insufficient emotional support and mutual compassion, so it shouldn’t be surprising that male competitiveness often sees men flying solo.
“There is triumph in completing your journey, learning lessons and setting off on new adventures”
The load doesn’t lessen when they win more or at higher levels. Even athletes competing at world-class stages struggle with the concept of winning. We can look at Singaporean Olympian Joseph Schooling. As an outstanding athlete who outswam Michael Phelps to finish first in the 100m butterfly at the 2016 Olympics, Schooling won Singapore its first Olympic gold medal. Unfortunately, he retired just eight years after his Olympic gold.
As Schooling quoted one of his coaches: “You win or you learn.” Is there really any winning when it comes to athletes, when their careers are unpredictable, savagely determined by their every result and always at a precipice? The constant fear and anxiety of the next battle is harrowing; the reality of retirement even more so.
Thrive together
There’s no doubt about it—Schooling is still a winner in the eyes of Singaporeans. More importantly, winning isn’t about achieving a title. There is triumph in completing your journey, learning lessons, making connections, changing thought patterns and setting off on new adventures.
Women move in groups and thrive in communities—they build communication, engage in conversation, and support, understand and accept one another. The truth is that simply being heard and feeling seen can lighten the load of a heavy heart.
There is little of such community for men. With improper support, it’s no surprise that many men feel out of touch with their emotions or don’t feel they can comfortably express them.
But take it from me, ostracising yourself not only distances you from your family and friends, but it can also make you feel alone, helpless and unworthy. Not being able to express yourself and your full range of emotions can lead to an unfulfilling life where you always feel suppressed—no matter how much you achieve. So congratulations, you’ve won. But at what cost?
We need to build more community for men. It is time to foster male vulnerability through regular check-ins, honest conversations and affirmative responses. Rather than telling men not to cry, we need to encourage it. So go ahead, take that yoga class. And as you take your first deep inhale and settle into a stretch, remember, there is more than one way to thrive.
The Vogue Man ‘Thrive’ issue is available online and on newsstands from 15 July 2024.
