On March 1, Google rolls out a new privacy policy across all its services. They told you it was important, but you didn’t read it. I translated it line-for-line into PG-13 straight talk so you’ll actually pay attention. I also translated the new terms of service.

This shit matters starting March 1, 2012, and will replace the old shit. Please see our overview page for extra shit.

Google is useful as fuck. You can find things, share things, make things, whatever. When you tell us shit about you, we make it even easier for you to do things with our things. Who doesn’t want that? So we want you to know what exactly we do with the shit you tell us, so you don’t accidentally tell us some embarrassing shit.

Our Privacy Policy explains:

• What we want to know and why.
• What we do with it once we know it.
• What you can and can’t tell us, and how to edit and update what you’ve already told us.

We’ve worked really, really hard to dumb it down, but quite frankly this is the internet. So if you don’t know what a cookie is, or that you’re using a browser, you should probably do some fucking research, because we’re not trying to teach “Things you should learn in 2003″ here. We’re, uh, we’re from the future here at Google. Really learn this shit, and then let us know if you have questions, except questions that we’ve already answered. Those are the worst.

So first, let’s learn the shit we’re gonna learn about you. »