The Wayback Machine - https://web.archive.org/web/20121205154801/http://slacktory.com:80/category/ask-an-evil-genie/

Slacktory

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    The “Home Alone” novelizations are horrifying torture porn

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    Good 10 Guy Greg: He’s a hero, but he’s high as shit

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    Seventy years of minutes from the Lik-M-Aid Corporation’s annual board meeting

Ask an Evil Genie

  1. AAEG Seussian talk

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish to Rhyme Like Dr. Seuss

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    Syzygygygy wishes: Oh, proud and mighty evil genie, please grant me my wish! Let me drop mad rhymes like Dr. Seuss.

    The Evil Genie replies: Congratulations! You awake tomorrow to find that you rhyme in the classic Seussian style: furiously, compulsively, non-dictionarily, and with only a passing regard for logic.

    At first you are excited to meet your friends for brunch, planning rhymes about mancakes and handshakes and branflakes and fan breaks, but when you leave your house and begin to speak to others you find there is a glitch in your system: You are unable to express thoughts that don’t rhyme, and, with the speed of your gift far surpassing the speed of your regular mental and emotional responses, you rarely say anything close to what you mean when another person is speaking to you.

    Meeting your friends, you immediately find that your new skill makes for fairly unpredictable conversations… »

  2. AAEG Ed Hardy

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish to Be a Fashion Designer’s Lover

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    Clive wishes: Dear Evil Genie, please, I wish you to help me ensnare/become the dressup doll of a intractable/insane major fashion designer, like you know, Nick Gruber/Jean-Baptiste Giabiconi??

    The Evil Genie replies: Dearest Clive, your wish is my command. You are the lover/muse/Ken doll of a major fashion designer. His designs are seen the world over: at fashion week, in magazines, on television. He showers you with expensive gifts and toys and furs and personally-designed denims. The two of you appear entwined on the cover of Interview magazine wearing Kabuki masks. He makes a mold of your body with one hundred dollar bills and then you set the mold on fire because you can, and both of you laugh and laugh. You’re rich, you’re famous to a certain set of people, and you have all the gym time you could ever dream of. You have it all.

    Except good taste, I guess? Your mans is none other than Christian Audigier: Ed Hardy entrepreneur, kazillionaire, and President and CEO of Gross Human Train Wrecks. And, as in so many artist/subject relations, your partnership is not one of equality. From the very beginning, things are weird and always on his terms. Christian makes you call him Ed Hardy, but he calls you Ed Hardy, too, which is confusing and icky. He forces you to wear a Von Dutch hat during sex. He smells like flavored vodka and steroid perspiration and Axe body spray, which he sometimes serves as an after-dinner drink. He pushes you into orgies with dangerously guido-ish gentlemen where you’re not sure if you’re going to be fellated or gay-bashed.

    At first you find this degradation exciting and sexy, but eventually… »

  3. AAEG invention

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish to Invent Something that Changes the World

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    Mintyfresh wishes: Dear Evil Genie, can you make me the inventor of something that will change the world in a totally positive way?

    The Evil Genie replies: When your water synthesizer debuts it is not entirely unlike when Norman Bourlang created a new kind of wheat that could feed the third world, or when James Watt’s steam engine kicked off the Industrial Revolution, or even, dare I say, when Zoog, a caveman I just made up, showed the first wheel to his pre-historic brethren. From that fateful day forth, things are going to be easier and better and healthier and happier and the world will be a little smaller, in a cozy, helpful, not-alone-in-the-universe, love-your-fellow-man kind of way. Your simple, affordable, eco-conscious machine does the thing that so many freshman chemistry students suggest: takes a couple of hydrogens and an oxygen, and makes them into safe, clean, crystal-clear water. But with a little genie magic, this actually works. Now, a lack of potable water is a thing of the past.

    The synthesizer, which you have named the AquaDrinkabler 5500 (it’s a positive change, but your marketing team is terrible), is used to create not just drinking water, but rivers and lakes where before there were deserts and plains. In the formerly arid areas of the world, trees are blooming, delicious fish are swimming, dying children are living due to lack of lack of water. Matt Damon’s Starbucks Water company shuts right down, and happily, because there is no more need. Water, water, everywhere and all the drops to drink!

    After the unveiling and initial excitement, you settle into a figurehead role at AD5500 Inc… »

  4. AAEG Baklava

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish to Make Amazing Baklava

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    Peachy Carnahan wishes: Oh, Evil Genie, Grant me the power to make good baklava. Delicious baklava. Oh yes.

    The Evil Genie replies: When you bring your scrumptious, homemade baklava into the office, people are excited.

    “What is that?” They ask, cornering you in the kitchen as you set the tray down, “Baklava? Did you make that?” You nod proudly, removing the plastic wrap. “Yeah, I don’t want to brag but, I make good baklava. Delicious baklava. Oh yes.”

    “Baklava?” Others ask, coming into the pantry and approaching the plate, “Ooo that’s… what is baklava again?”

    “Filo dough with chopped nuts and honey,” you tell them, “Yeah, I make it at home, it’s kind of my specialty. It’s always really good, every single time. Try it!”

    Your co-workers lift the baklava to their mouths to taste it. Their eyes light up and they look at you, amazed. “This is great. You made at this? You? At home? You should make this all the time.” You laugh and smile.

    “No, seriously,” they say, “Can you make this tomorrow? We have that big meeting and the client is coming in and now that we’ve tasted this, we just don’t know if will go well without your baklava. Seriously, please. Please make it. Please.”

    You’re surprised by their intensity, but you agree… »

  5. AAEG Evil Magician hat

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish I Was a Hologram Like Tupac

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    RightOne wishes: I wish I could be a hologram like Tupac.

    The Evil Genie replies: Okay, you’re a hologram, like Tupac. Here’s the thing about being careful what you wish for — sometimes we don’t even understand what we’re wishing for.

    Sometimes, when we look at a happy couple and wish that we could have what they have, we don’t know that what they have is a miserable relationship where she feels unfulfilled and leaves drunk voicemails on her ex-boyfriend’s phone and he calls her “mustache” to his friends and tells his parents not to worry about him “settling down” anytime soon. Sometimes, when we think about a dream job we wish that we could have, we don’t know that the position entails such intense commitment, focus, and hard work that all other parts of that Vice President of Accounts or Senior Consultant or Captain of the Air Hockey Team’s life are basically memories, and that the inevitable failure tied to the position has crushed the careers of much more capable employees. Sometimes, when we wish we could be a hologram like Tupac, we don’t already know that Tupac is a hologram.

    Read on: To be clear, Tupac Shakur is not dead… »

  6. AAEG WhiteWomen

    Lena Dunham Wishes Away the “Girls” Haters: Ask an Evil Genie, Celebrity Edition

    Lena Dunham wishes: I wish that Girls hadn’t been placed under such intense scrutiny before it had even premiered.

    The Evil Genie replies: Boom, done. Your new HBO show, titled Specific Young White Women, premieres to very little fanfare. The internet fails to throw up on itself and then eat its own vomit, not unlike a dog, and you receive a handful of positive reviews from small outfits. You’re a 25-year-old woman with your own TV show! Crazy and amazing.

    The week after the pilot airs, you feel fantastic. Your family and friends, all wealthy famous people, are incredibly happy for you. The women who seek out the show, hard as it is to find, really relate to it and think highly of your capabilities as a writer/director/producer/creator/actress. And no one thinks you’re racist or bourgeois or spoiled or disconnected or the product of good fortune! People don’t take any notice of any of you or your show’s flaws at all. #SpecificYoungWhiteWomen doesn’t trend on Twitter.

    Feminist blogs discuss HBO’s Sunday nights with a passion, but the talk is all turned to Veep (Would you vote for a woman like Selina Meyer? What if she rocked flowery dresses and Doc Martens like Elaine Benes used to? Think pieces abound). There are no parody videos, or screencapped memes, or diatribes from men, or diatribes from women about the diatribes from men, or parody diatribes written by men about diatribes written by women, or parody diatribes written by women about diatribes written by men about women. There’s nothing.

    In the second week, ratings fall. It turns out that your target demographic doesn’t really have HBO, unless they are living and/or staying with their parents… (Read More) »

  7. AAEG Kim Kardashian says bye

    Kanye West Wishes Kim Kardashian Didn’t Love Him for the Money: Ask an Evil Genie, Celebrity Edition

    Kanye West wishes: I wish that Kim Kardashian would truly love me… and not for my money.

    The Evil Genie replies: Sitting in your darkened home theater, you can’t decide what the bigger travesty is: that they’re playing it again, or that you’re watching it again. As you sit in the actual, literal throne that you purchased and hired a 24-hour security team to watch, you gaze at the screen, the images at once deeply familiar and somehow still wholly unbelievable to you.

    E! Entertainment television is rebroadcasting the episode of Kourtney & Kim Take New York that led you to this moment, alone in the blackness. A chyron at the bottom of the screen explains: you and Kim are on a romantic date at New York’s hottest club, Froosh. You see Kim’s beautiful face looking into yours and you watch as the scene, the scene that plays in your nightmares, unfolds. “I love you, Kanye,” the fifty-foot Kim breathes. A giant you replies, “Do you, Kim? But… is Us Weekly right? Is it only for the money?”

    “No!” Kim exclaims, “I love you for so many things. The things that make you, you! Your narcissism, your materialism, your arrogance, your defensiveness…”

    “What?” At first you were smiling, but your face has fallen. You look like you’re about to explain who deserves an award, or who does and does not care about black people.

    “Your connections, your megalomania, your paranoia, your reactionary nature, your singing voice…”

    ‘But what about my talent?’ you ask Kim. (Read More) »

  8. AAEG Disney mountain lair

    Zac Efron Wishes Justin Bieber Was Never Born: Ask an Evil Genie, Celebrity Edition

    This week, the Evil Genie answers celebrity questions. But leave a wish in the comments and next week he might answer!

    Zac Efron wishes: I wish that Justin Bieber had never been born.

    The Evil Genie replies: Aw, Zef. I get it. After High School Musical, you were the floppiest hair on the block and everyone was obsessed with you. Little girls loved you, little boys wanted to be you, moms wanted to adopt you, dads wanted to toughen you up but begrudgingly admitted you were good at basketball. It was all Zefron, all the time! But when Biebs appeared on the scene, he was younger, his hair was floppier, he was even less threatening. You were usurped. I’m sorry, bro.

    So, poof, no more Bieber! Since High School Musical there has been you, you and more you! For years! All you! Usher adopts YOU and you teach one another sweet dance moves. You star in a film called Always Say Always: The Zac Efron Story, and it is a massive hit. Grad School Musical debuts at number one at the box office, you release a line of bang-care products, you go on tour and tweens throw themselves in the streets. There is panic, and outcry, and it’s awesome.

    As you start to age, however, the way you have recently, your Disney overlords are angry… »

  9. Adele sings I'm Sorry

    Adele’s Wish: Ask an Evil Genie, Celebrity Edition

    This week, the Evil Genie answers celebrity questions. But leave a wish in the comments and next week he might answer!

    Adele wishes: I just wish for my ex to apologize to me the way I deserve.

    The Evil Genie Replies: Oh, Adele. Oh, sweetie. Oh, girl. I know you do. We all know you do.

    You’re sitting in your studio, pen touching paper, but nothing comes out. You’re starting to worry that your lovely relationship with your lovely-looking boyfriend “Swampy” is not giving you the material you need. You’re happy, you’re content, you’re calm and at peace, and you never have rage blackouts and wake up to piles of devastating lyrics and fully mixed tracks scientifically calibrated to induce heartbreak. Plus, nothing suitable seems to rhyme with Swampy (“Pompeii?” “Frompy?” “Lomprey?”). You stare listlessly at the paper when suddenly (out of the blue, uninvited) there he is, in your space. The ex to end all exes.

    You make a strange, strangled yelp of a noise, and drop your pen… »

  10. beer tower

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish for Infinite Beer

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    radbeck1 wishes: I wish I had a tower of beer that never ran out.

    The Evil Genie replies: Granted! You have an unending beer tower, taller than a skyscraper and filled continuously by some kind of mysterious heavenly presence. You and your friends and your family and your co-workers and your bowling team and your AA meeting group can drink until your hearts are first content, and then exploding. Beer!

    There, of course, some catches. First of all, the beer is Coors Light. Blehhhh. It’s not quite as dire as say, Natty Light or actual pisswater, but it’s not ideal. Also, obviously, housing a beer tower that is larger than a building is difficult — specifically, it’s impossible. Few skyscrapers are taller than a skyscraper, fewer still are hollow to the top, and only a paltry handful are willing to rent space to an enormous cylinder of alcohol. Those that are willing consider you as a tenant remind you that will need to rent all 68 stories of the tower, which, even with unlimited beer to sell, comes at an inconceivable price. Stuck outside, the beer tower is subject to the elements, you find rain and birds and bugs and even a small asteroid in your Coors Light. This does little to help the taste.

    When the beer tower is discovered by the internet — and it is, as all awesome things eventually are — your situation BLOWS UP… »

  11. Ask an Evil Genie - penguin

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish for a Penguin

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    16-145B wishes: I wish my roommate would let me adopt a penguin.

    The Evil Genie replies: You have a penguin in your home! He’s small and formal and black and white and wonderful all over. He’s adorable, with the marching and the flapping of his nonwings and the general peguinity of him.

    You ask your landlord to lower the thermostat in your apartment to freezing, which he strangely agrees to, and you bundle up in what will now be semi-permanent winter gear. You set up your penguin, who you have named Penrod, in the bathroom. You let the tub overflow, and watch him as he slides on his belly across the icy tile. You invite friends over to watch, and they clap and dance with joy to see his tiny penguin face. Other than persistent frostbite, you have never been happier.

    As the days turn into weeks, the allure of having a penguin in the apartment begins to fade ever so slightly. Aside from your hacking cough and inability to shower, you have found that having a new roommate changes the dynamic in your apartment. While your human roommate, who, for the purposes of this post, we will call Katie, was not initially ultra-jazzed about having a fish-bird hybrid for a roommate, she has bonded with Penrod strongly, and you often find yourself the odd man out. They stay up late into the night whispering secrets, and you are left to sit outside the bathroom door and eavesdrop.

    Penrod is also a terrible roommate… »

  12. Girl covered in hair

    Ask an Evil Genie: Painlessly Remove My Pubes

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    TS wishes: Dear Evil Genie, I wish I could remove all my hair, you know, down there, without any of the pain. k, thanks.

    Evil Genie replies: You’ll have to excuse me, as genies lack a down there to remove hair from, but I’m assuming you mean you’d like to eradicate the fuzz on some kind of human genitals? Probably a vagina, as is the cultural norm? Is this correct? I was terribly close to scalping everyone in Australia, so I hope we’re on the same page now.

    DONE. All of the hair “down there” has been removed without even the slightest twinge of pain, forever. Solved? Not quite. Sure, the hair wafts down from your nether regions without the socially uncomfortable, blinding yank of waxing or the warty, angry ingrown hairs of shaving or the whatever-it-is feeling of those mysterious foams and gels that they sell on late night TV, but there is no relief. I think I wanted the word “burning”, for the gels.

    Save your face and a demurely triangular area on your pubis, your entire body is coated in thick, curly, tightly wound hair… »

  13. Man in suit - let's get you laid

    Ask an Evil Genie: Get Me Laid

    ec wishes: dear evil genie, can you get me laid? it has binawhile

    Evil Genie replies: A darkly handsome man wearing a well-cut black suit picks you up in one swift motion and lays you out on a velvety cushion. He forces your hands to your sides and holds you there. You let him control you, doing what he pleases with your flesh, moving you to his whims and desires. You silently and thoughtlessly obey his every push and pull. He secures you, and you can’t move a muscle. Your entire body is rigid in anticipation of what is to come.

    “Don’t move,” he says, and laughs a little.

    As you lie still, he lavishes you with attention, tending to every inch of your body… »

  14. Wigs on mannequin heads

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Wish My Hair Was Perfect

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    snros wishes: I wish my hair was always perfect!

    Evil Genie replies: Not a strand falls out of place. You have no flyaways, no frizz, no weird oily patch near your hairline. Your ends are never split and your bangs are just the right length. The cut is classic and timeless and current and interesting and unique all at once. Your hair is everything you’ve ever wanted it to be.

    Now, you no longer worry that you wash your hair too much, because you heard that that was bad to do, but you also don’t have to worry that you wash your hair too little, because what if you run into your crush with third-day head? He probably doesn’t want to hear a long explanation about the long-term dangers of shampoo buildup, but that would not stop you from giving it to him. But there is no need to worry — ever! at all! — because your mane is luxurious and beautiful and also the sum total of everything you are. Because you’re a wig!

    Yes, more than disembodied, you are disemscalped… »

  15. Beach people go whoa

    Ask an Evil Genie: I Want to Look Rockin’ in a Bathing Suit

    The Evil Genie grants three wishes a week. Leave a wish in the comments!

    S! wishes: I want to look rockin in a bathing suit this summer!

    The Evil Genie replies: When you get to the beach club, EVERYONE stares. As you walk down the sand, heads turn. Men, women, children: no one can look away from your body. You move slowly, deliberately, letting the sun shine on your frame, letting the beachcombers drink you in. Mouths are agog, gasps are audible, eyes are protruding dangerously from skulls. Little boys stare at your chest and ask their mothers what “those” are. You find your perfect spot to settle in, and a handsome lifeguard rushes over to you.

    “Ma’am,” he says in southern, gentlemanly way, “Do you need any assistance? Shade? Sunblock? A cover-up? The winds down by the water can get pretty strong, and sometimes at high tide the waves can make their way up this far and I would hate to see you endangered in any way.”

    You giggle girlishly, then cough hackingly… »

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