The Wayback Machine - https://web.archive.org/web/20121203192257/http://slacktory.com:80/category/essays/

Slacktory

  1. Home Alone torture porn - Harry and Marv see Kevin

    The “Home Alone” novelizations are horrifying torture porn

  2. Good 10 Guy Greg banner

    Good 10 Guy Greg: He’s a hero, but he’s high as shit

  3. IDF Twitter Black Friday

    @IDFSpokesperson: A Social Media Success Story

  4. Condescending Wonka isn't condescending

    Willy Wonka responds to the Condescending Wonka meme

  5. Goofus Gallant Kevin header

    Goofus and Gallant and Kevin

  6. Fun Dip header

    Seventy years of minutes from the Lik-M-Aid Corporation’s annual board meeting

  7. Worst IMDb lists - Howard the Duck

    The 17 worst IMDb lists

Essays

  1. Steve Urkel wizard

    Steve Urkel wasn’t a geek. He was a powerful sorcerer.

    If you were a kid watching Family Matters in the 90’s, you probably never called the show by its proper name. It was common to just lazily refer to the show by the name of its most popular character — Steve Urkel.

    That’s because what started out as an innocuous sitcom about a working class black family living in Chicago was hastily and sloppily retooled to showcase the breakout character of Steve Urkel. However, since Urkel was sort of a one-note geek, the show quickly devolved into some sort of science-fantasy farce featuring clones, transformation chambers, time-travel and evil sentient ventriloquist dummies.

    In fact, the show went so completely over the top with these ridiculous concepts that the viewer can only be left with one logical conclusion.

    Steve Urkel is a damn witch.

    Read how Steve’s most famous inventions are all sorcery. »

  2. candy apple

    What moms really think about razorblades in Halloween apples

    I love a good urban legend. I especially love when an urban legend refuses to die, even though it’s been debunked a thousand times over. The internet has given rebirth to hundreds upon hundreds of legends that died back in the 80s. I know, because my mother sends me a dozen emails a day documenting these lies and rumors as truth.

    A good urban legend starts off as something real, perhaps a mild little incident that took place in a small town. It’s like a game of telephone. One person says “there was a robbery” and before you know it, ten different neighbors are reporting they know someone who knows someone who saw the robbery and it wasn’t just a robbery, it was also a carjacking and by the end of the day four prisoners escaped from the jail, were thrown weapons from a helicopter rented by an accomplice, robbed a jewelry store/Carvel/florist/drug store, kidnapped a teacher, robbed a car with an FBI agent in it and a baby in the back seat, set a house on fire, killed a cop, started the war between Pakistan and India, fixed the 1918 World Series, stole the Stanley Cup and pissed in it, brought down the Roman Empire, dug up Jimmy Hoffa and shot both J.R. and Mr. Burns. This will all be recorded as fact because someone’s neighbor’s sister’s boyfriend’s gym teacher saw it happen.

    So I’m looking forward to the annual Razor Apple scare. »

  3. lindsaylohan

    Famous Lindseys & Lindsays and how I feel about them

    It’s not easy being a Lindsey. In fifth grade I tried to change the spelling of my name to “Linzy” without anyone noticing, but a teacher soon asked me to “stop handing in homework with the wrong name on it.” In college, a Fresh Direct deliveryman suggested we elope, as his last name was Lindsey and if we wed, I’d be “Lindsey Lindsey.” Don’t think I didn’t heavily consider this option.

    Whenever a Lindsa/ey meets another Lindsa/ey, the first question is: “How do you spell your name?” (If the answer is ANYTHING but “Lindsey” or “Lindsay”, get out of town. I pretty much hate you.) The answer can divide them. In the past, “a” was highly superior to “e”. Maybe because “a” was more popular and more commonly a girl’s name. Now, I’ll argue (with a bias), that us Lindseys are taking over. Why? Have you heard of Lindsay Lohan?

    Have you? And what about other Lindsa/eys?

  4. mileyhi

    15 Complimentary Freelancer Biographies

    Feel the need to break away from the boring blank is a blank living in blank bio formula? Take these free bios to spice up your life and make it seem like you do more than listlessly masturbate. You can even keep the names, Matthews.

    .

    Jaamie Leffleur is a writer in New York City and she wonders if one could invent pizza bubbles but wonders more often if she could eat said bubbles or take a bath in them.

    .

    Maxwell Maxington studied Artistic Representations of Bill Cosby at Evergreen University and still calls his ex-girlfriend late nights out of habit. She has stopped minding.

    You can thank me, later.

  5. dre&1D

    Dr. Dre pens a letter to the boys of One Direction

     October 11, 2012

     Dear Liam, Louis, Niall, Harry and of course Zayn,

     Hey guys! How are you all doing? We’ve never met, or anything like that, and honestly, I’m not as familiar with your music as I’d like to be. But my kids love you! My daughter, Truly — she’s 11 — she has a poster of Niall hanging over her bed, and she already has a ticket to your show in Los Angeles NEXT AUGUST! That’s so far away, but she told me that she already knows what she’s going to wear the show! Girls are crazy, right? Ha, ha!

    …Look. Let’s skip the formalities. I’m very familiar with your music. I’m Dr. Dre; I’m familiar with all my contemporaries. I’ve been watching you kids since you were on “X Factor” and I’ve watched you become superstars. Global superstars. And now I have some questions.

    Back when I was a young MC — before the muscles, before Eminem, and way before any of you were alive…

  6. Snacks

    Jobs I’d Like to Have That Do Not Exist: Snack Sommelier

    What’s the ultimate in luxury assistance these days? The starlets of Hollywood have made it clear that chauffeurs are unnecessary (just get a driver, Amanda), the Personal Umbrella Handler is passe, the Human Footstool is a human rights violation. These days, I’m the hottest thing going: I’m Wilma Arrington, Snack Sommelier.

    Now, you might be munching on a bag of sour cream and onion chips and thinking to yourself, “I can do that job.” Sure, it sounds so simple, designing the perfect snack for every occasion, but I’ve dedicated my career to the subtleties of the form. Most celebrities won’t even settle down for a football game or a Real Housewives marathon without consulting me. I studied at Le Cordon Bleu Petite. I spent a decade in the Trader Joe’s test kitchen working under Joe himself — combining chocolate with pita chips, peanut butter with cinnamon cookies, pretzels with Nutella and strawberries. I’ve worked in Vegas Luxury Suites and NBA Skyboxes, creating snacksations for everyone from Matthew McConaughey to Woody Harrelson to Willie Nelson to Rush Limbaugh. Now, there is a man who loves his snacks (he favors savory!).

    I am recognized among the top in my field, and the opportunities have been endless…

  7. working women magazine covers

    Every Magazine Article About Women With Jobs

    Did you know that women have joined the workplace? Many studies in recent years have confirmed this to be true. But can you even imagine your wife or mother with a budget report in one hand and that week’s laundry in the other?

    Modern women in our fast paced world face a unique quandary: Can they have it all? That is, a husband, babies, plus a high-powered career involving some sort of briefcase? Is it reasonable for females—roughly 50% of American workers at the time of this writing— to participate in professional settings alongside males despite not having a penis and probably having kids? With the skeptical shrug of news magazines during slow news cycles, this article would like to cast a spotlight on these contemporary challenges.

    Read more

  8. paidinpuke

    Is puking really hot right now, or is it just me?

    I’m not a huge fan of the “funny puke”. I think the word “puke” is pretty funny, along with the synonyms for puke, including “vomit”, “spew”, “ralph” (WHO IS RALPH?), “hurl”, and by far the funniest iteration: “barf”. But the humor of vomit is in name only. There is no puke humor I can think of in the past ten or so years that was actually amusing. And when someone pukes on screen, I find it so utterly repulsive that no form of falling in said puke, swimming in said puke or even(!) eating said puke could shock value me into a laugh.

    Is this a puking trend piece? Maybe.

  9. exploitation

    Look, If You Actually Read Modern Primate, You’re Gonna Start Wondering Why You’ve Been Spending Your Life Reading Bullshit Online and Maybe You’ll Get Up and Take a Jog and Hug a Person

    I don’t wanna be too “Howard Beale in Network” about this because (a) I’m about to spend another day throwing up blog posts every two hours and (b) in Network, Howard Beale is about as revolutionary as calling 7-UP “the un-cola”. But goddamn if Chris Menning isn’t saying some beautiful things on Modern Primate (owned by the same people who own Slacktory) right now.

    First he talks to his cat about whether to blog that Aaron Sorkin supercut:

    Do you think I should post it on Modern Primate?

    - Why?

    Well I’ve seen it on The Daily What, Reddit, and BuzzFeed. It’s what’s trending. It’s a big viral hit that everybody’s talking about.

    - Are they though? What are they saying about it?

    Just that he’s not that creative or original, and that the video is entertaining and you should watch it.

    - And what do you have to add to the conversation?

    Just that he’s not that creative or original, and that the video is entertaining and you should watch it.

    Then he goes and pastes up a sarcastically lowest-common-denominator mish-mash of moving and “LOL WTF u guise” images without attribution in an obvious-to-the-ten-of-us-who-track-this-shit-for-a-living parody of BuzzFeed’s recent fucking juggernaut of a list, “21 Pictures That Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity”.

    Keep reading, I have thoughts and feelings about this! »

  10. Nintendo controller t-shirts

    Sometimes I Hate Nerds

    As a nerd, sometimes I hate other nerds. Unfairly, I mean.

    Today I saw a guy with a shirt with a Nintendo controller on it and I thought “Ugh, fuck you.” AND I LIKE NINTENDO CONTROLLERS.

    Are sports guys this way? Like, if you’re really into the Packers, and some other guy has a Packers hat, are you thinking, “Ugh, fuck you, other guy who really likes the Packers,” or do you want to high five that guy? Or are you just like “what-the-fuck-ever, I’m no hat-looker”?

  11. Meatloaf and potatoes

    The 12-Year-Old Donut Critic Attacks Cafeteria Food

    Editor Nick here. I found the 12-year-old who wrote the famous “Plain donuts are fake” essay, and I’ve hired her to write a column, via her super-cool-about-this mother.

    This post is not a joke, this is truly and actually Evelyn C., author of “The Fake Donut”.

    Evelyn vs Cafeteria Food

    Meatloaf photo by Sarah Wu, “Fed Up With Lunch”

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