The Wayback Machine - https://web.archive.org/web/20121128042640/http://slacktory.com:80/category/let-me-tell-you/

Slacktory

  1. Condescending Wonka isn't condescending

    Willy Wonka responds to the Condescending Wonka meme

  2. Goofus Gallant Kevin header

    Goofus and Gallant and Kevin

  3. Fun Dip header

    Seventy years of minutes from the Lik-M-Aid Corporation’s annual board meeting

  4. Hanksgiving - Jello mold to Perdition header

    Hanksgiving: Tom Hanks movie posters redone for Thanksgiving

  5. Worst IMDb lists - Howard the Duck

    The 17 worst IMDb lists

  6. Mighy Ducks movie vs NHL team

    The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim are nothing like the movie

  7. Denny's too damn high banner

    Internet memes get ad deals

Let Me Tell You

  1. angry boy

    Let Me Tell You About the Kid That Teabagged You in Call of Duty

    “Let Me Tell You” is a fiction series that makes you feel bad for the people you hate online.

    You had a stressful day at work, and all you wanted to do when you got home was crack open a Tecate, load up Call of Duty, and blow off some steam by painting the walls with some random’s pixelated brains.

    You joined a game and went on the hunt for a sniping spot. As you turned a corner, your screen flashed red and you were on the ground, the recipient of a nasty head wound. “Damn, that was fast”, you thought, as you waited for a respawn.

    The second you rezzed, your avatar was again reduced to a crumpled heap. You watched while a player crouched repeatedly over your corpse’s face. You took note of his name, XxSniperXx, and dedicated the rest of the match to repeatedly fragging him.

    The next time you spawned, you were barely able to take four steps before you were gibbed from behind with a knife. Your anger ratcheted up a few notches as xXSniperXx once again scraped his virtual nut-sack across your avatar’s nose.

    You began verbally abusing your assailant… (Read on) »

  2. Chinese gold farmers

    Let Me Tell You About That WoW Gold Seller Who Hacked Your Account

    UPDATE: “Let Me Tell You” is a series of fiction pieces about internet villain archetypes, unintended to be interpreted as real. We apologize to new readers who were confused.

    You logged on just in time to make it to the raid. You were excited, because based on last night’s attempts, you were confident that your guild would take down Deathwing and plant his jawbone in the middle of Orgrimmar. As you headed to the auction house to buy flasks, something struck you as odd. You were naked. Perplexed, you opened the character screen and saw that, were it not for your guild tabard, your rotting Forsaken private bits would be on display for the whole world. Of Warcraft.

    A little more frantic now, you opened your bags. Empty, save for a few stacks of teleportation runes. You blinked to the bank, where your worst fears were confirmed: you were hacked. Your guild might be taking down Deathwing, but they were going to do it without you. Naked mage DPS is slightly worse than even arms warrior DPS. You would have to suffer the indignity of being benched for the night while your comrades gathered to take down the terror of Azeroth. Staring blankly at the computer screen, lost in the despair of losing your raid spot, you wished a thousand and one deaths on whomever was evil enough to do such a thing to you.

    Jiang was the eldest son of a peasant family in southern China. »

  3. Not really Mobutu

    Let Me Tell You About That Spammer You Just Deleted

    Mobutu is Congolese. He has an MBA from Wharton and a Master’s in Computer Science from MIT. He’s been working tirelessly for a decade to reinvigorate the economy and the people of his native land. And he’s the reason an email about Cialis just beat your spam filter.

    Let me tell you what you just did. You monster. »

  4. Depressed young man

    Let Me Tell You About That “Creeper” on Your Facebook

    Let Me Tell You is a new series where Scott C. Reynolds gives you the backstory on the people you hate online.

    Jason is a freelance photographer. He’s a Big Brother to a Brooklyn boy who has never known a father. A couple of months ago his girlfriend of four years cheated on him. He found out about it the day before he had planned to propose. He’s a good guy who’s been fighting through some tough times to try to pick up the pieces of his broken life. 10 minutes ago you dealt him a devastating blow when you and your friends mocked him mercilessly on Facebook for being, in your estimation, a “creeper”.

    Let me explain what you just did. You utter monster. »

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