Residents of New York, please be advised to be on the lookout for any suspicious criminal activity involving:
Treacherous Phil,
The Frowny Downers,
The Hitched Villians,
Their newborn son: Dylan Villain,
Benedict Arnold,
to a lesser extent, Benedict Ronald,
Duck Pond Draymond (IT IS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE THAT YOU DO NOT ACCOMPANY THIS MAN TO THE DUCK POND),
See what other gangs to avoid. »
Irrespective of sophistication, the volume of exploitation attempts yielded enough successful breaches to make China the most threatening actor in cyberspace.
— USCC 2012 Annual Report to Congress
Apple’s iPhone 5 and the fifth-generation iPod touch appear to be suffering from a strange glitch that means they struggle to keep up with rapid touch inputs, particularly when scrolling at a 45-degree angle.
That’s not even the worst bug in the iPhone 5! Consider these other serious flaws:
Happy election day! There don’t seem to be many people trying to advise you how to vote today. So we’ll fix that with our national voting guide! Here are our endorsements:
The Actual Lord Satan Himself for Some Circuit Judge Position, He’s Unopposed So You May as Well Vote for a Winner
Captain Queefheart for City Drag-person of Indeterminate Gender Identification
Elizabeth Warren for Friend Who Thinks You Should Watch Homeland and You Know She Was Right About The Wire and Louie So Just Sit Down With Some Hulu This Weekend
Sammison Jamjar for Dog-catcher Catcher
Shia LaBeouf for Verizon “Can You Hear Me Now” Guy
Bob Bob for Company Man (American American Party ticket)
Alison Gallison for Frequently Misspelled Name
Ron Paul for Hahaha No, But What If Really, Wouldn’t That Be Random
Photo from Village Soup
Slacktory’s editor-in-chief Nick lives in New York City. With Hurricane Sandy having left millions of people on the East Coast without power, we were a little worried. Fortunately, Nick let us know he’s doing fine, but that he’s currently without power and cell phone service. The important thing, however, is that he’s safe, so now we can lightly poke fun at his situation.
Here’s what I think he might be doing to occupy his time while he’s without electricity and internet:
title image via The Huffington Post
Slacktory is going into hurricane preparedness mode! We’re learning lots about hurricanes. For example, did you know there’s a hurricane coming? That’s a hurricane fact!
Follow these tips to get through Hurricane Sandy:
Even though I explained Weird Twitter definitively, absolutely and inerrantly, some people still seem confused. So here’s some more examples of what “Weird Twitter” is:
The following are all real playable Scrabble words that could mean anything, really, so why not just give them new definitions because Scrabble is just a game about memorizing stupid combinations of letters and it’s total bullshit:
Aal: Guy whose Twitter bio warns people that he might get “a little bit snarky”
Fiz: Discontinued import of Nazi-era German fruit cola. Doesn’t count as proper noun because it tastes too good to exclude
Noo: “No” as pronounced by the barista when you ask if they have any chocolate croissants even though are none in the display case because hey, maybe they’re making more or something, how would you know, there’s really no reason to be rude man
When we started Lift, we imagined a support boost that could be applied to any goal. You guys are proving we hit the mark—none of us imagined we’d be doing so much to prevent masturbation.
— CEO of general-interest personal-goal app Lift, in an email to the “nofap” masturbation-willpower subreddit
I suspect these popular Lift goals are also secret markers for fapping:
Lift CEO email via Doctor Popular and Scott Beale
I refuse to accept that my Facebook frienemy has good taste. This is probably what he thinks about his favorite Facebook pages:
Arrested Development: Martin Short was the best on that!
Democratic party: Bush planned 9/11.
Adele: Just between listens of early Charlotte Church.
Community: Chevy Chase FTW!
David Foster Wallace: Inspired me to wear a bandana every day.
See the real reasons this asshole likes the New Yorker, the Daily Show, and Mumford & Sons. »
9/11.
Columbine.
Jerry Maguire.
What do these three things have in common? If you said they were all national tragedies, then well, one could argue that Jerry Maguire has a pretty sizable fan base. However, if you guessed TRAGIC VIDEO REMIXES, you’d be sadly correct (and unusually intuitive, I have to say). In the case of Jerry Maguire, actual film dialogue is even used. When it comes to real life news events, songs are cut with actual news reports from the day of the tragedy.
Copyright © 2012 My Damn Channel, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Designed in collaboration with Wondersauce.
Most Commented Posts
What Your Favorite Video Game (Series) Says About You
552 commentsThe Entire Facebook Terms of Service in Bro Speak
343 commentsWhat Your Favorite Blog Says About You
322 comments20 Guys Trying to Bang a Total Psycho on OkCupid
201 commentsThe Entire Internet Goes 404
199 comments