The Wayback Machine - https://web.archive.org/web/20121115150921/http://slacktory.com:80/category/reddit-thread/

Slacktory

  1. gumshoe diaries - detective story

    Gumshoe Diaries: “Kill me, Kate”

  2. Alice from the Brady Bunch with the Step by Step family

    “Step by Step” is basically just “The Brady Bunch”

  3. LastLinesFromGreatBooks - the monster at the end of this book

    #Last Lines From Great Books: A Twitter game

  4. Neo answers a banana phone in the Matrix

    Reddit thread: Tell me your ‘Glitch in the Matrix’ stories

  5. james-bond-skyfall-no-gadets-title

    Why I’m glad Skyfall isn’t all about the gadgets

  6. man surrounded by bayonets

    Today I Fucked Up: A subreddit where fuckups are winners

  7. Finn the Human on Adventure Time

    All the best exclamations from Adventure Time’s Finn the Human

Reddit Thread

  1. Neo answers a banana phone in the Matrix

    Reddit thread: Tell me your ‘Glitch in the Matrix’ stories

    On what I’ll bet was a quiet day, Redditor superunhappyfuntime asked /r/AskReddit to share their ‘glitch in the Matrix’ stories:

    I’m talking weird occurrences, coincidences you haven’t been able to easily explain.

    (For any young people reading, The Matrix is an old movie starring Keanu Reeves as a latex Jesus who lives inside a magic internet built by Transformers in the future.)

    Given that our world isn’t the Matrix*, the 14,776 responses that followed probably came as a surprise to  superunhappyfuntime — especially as most were genuinely creepy and none of them were about being the reincarnation of Thomas Edison. Here are ten of the best ones, including superunhappyfuntime’s egg-based anecdote that started the ball rolling.

    Happy too-long-after-Halloween-to-be-topical!

    1. superunhappyfuntime’s quantum egg

    We have a breakfast laid on at work every morning, just a simple buffet of eggs, bacon what have you. Nothing huge and it’s really only to feed about a dozen people or so. I am usually one of the first guys from my team to get to work and the kitchen was deserted as usual. I walked into the little kitchen, there was a ceramic egg tray thing with 12 eggs in it, like the bottom half of an egg carton with a socket for each egg. All spaces are filled with warm freshly boiled eggs.

    I take one, walk over to the garbage bin, shuck the shell then I walk back over to the food and stop dead. There are 12 eggs in the tray again. No one entered the room while I was peeling the thing. I touched the mystery egg it was the same temp as the other eggs around it.

    Not a big thing, nothing major, but something very strange. Given one does not get presented with strange eggs from a parallel universe every day, I peeled and ate that one too.

    That was easy! Now let’s read the terrifying ones. »

  2. man surrounded by bayonets

    Today I Fucked Up: A subreddit where fuckups are winners

    I sent a text to the wrong person. I accidentally hit the car next to me in the parking lot at the grocery store. I threw a baseball through my neighbor’s window. In short, today I fucked up.

    As far as subreddits go, the concept behind this one is simple and to the point. /r/TIFU is a showcase for a shared general experience (fucking up) that also allows for storytelling in that way only Reddit can pull off. We all know the feeling of having fucked up, but you cannot even begin to imagine some of the ways others have gotten themselves there. It makes for some delightful tl;dr’s.

    Officically, /r/TIFU refers to itself as:

    A community for the dumbass in all of us. We all have those moments where we do something ridiculously stupid. Let us make each other feel better about ourselves.

    I don’t know about the posters, but reading their stories for sure made me feel better about my fuck-ups. Nothing I’ve done in recent memory is quite on this level. Each week the top admissions are compiled into a “Fuck Up of the Week” list. If nothing else it’s nice to know that when it comes to fucking up, you’re the best.

    Read Redditors’ best stories about fucking up. »

  3. four-armed man also cocks

    Reddit thread: “What modification would you make to the human body?”

    Who hasn’t wanted to change something about their bodies? Be taller, thinner, more flight-capable? Redditor AreYouGoingToTapThat was considering the possibilities, and posed the following question to /r/AskReddit:

    What is one modification to the human body that would make us better? What do you think the human body could work better/ more efficiently with? Is it moving the placements of your intestines? Is it an extra heart? What do you think?

    Things got a little weird, to say the least, with a lot of thought on how these modifications would affect fapping. Overall, though, the conversation was incredibly on-point and hilarious, and some of my favorite exchanges are featured below. If you have the time, I’d highly encourage you to check out the whole thing.

    The top voted request was from dexter277, who had a simple request:

    No asshole hair

    What Dropbear81 wants is rather practical:

    The entire female reproductive system is a piece of shit. If I could only change one part of it, I’d like to be more like a marsupial where I give birth to a peanut-sized baby who then lives in my pouch for the next few months, meaning I can check on it whenever I want and let it out to play as necessary. None of this excruciating childbirth rubbish, thanks all the same!

    SubsidedSanity sees another potential upside:

    That would be so badass, handbags would become obsolete also.

    Emohipster sees another:

    Also, weird porn.

    Read more about how Redditors want to upgrade their bodies. »

  4. Reddit Thread: What’s the Stupidest Thing a Guy Did to Impress You?

    Stupid romantic gestures are something of a hot topic lately. There was the guy who faked his own death to propose to his girlfriend, and the guy who almost died trying to mail himself to her. While these are obviously extreme cases, the mentality behind them is by no means unique. Redditor blanket_lava asked “Women of Reddit, what is the stupidest thing a guy did to impress you?”

    She later clarified a bit, saying, “Not stupidly cute or stupidly sweet, just plain stupid.”

    Hazywakeup kicks things off with a real winner:

    A few months ago a guy sat across from me on a bus, obviously trying to flash some philosophy book he was reading at me in hopes that I’d comment on it. When I didn’t bite, he came right out with, “You know, I’m technically classified as emotionally disturbed.”

    Myuriko felt like she was watching Planet Earth:

    Started talking about salsa dancing and really playing up his Latino heritage. When he started shuffling around to show me his moves (I did not ask him to, he just started dancing) I felt like I was on some nature channel documentary.

    David Attenborough, whispering, “The male specimen begins his courtship ritual with braggadocio based on racial stereotyping, in an attempt to emphasize his sexual prowess. And now the mating dance begins… No.. No, she’s not buying it. He will return to the herd, unsuccessful, for today.”

    Read more stories of bad romance. »

  5. mildly interesting subreddit

    Mildly Interesting: A Mildly New Subreddit

    The internet overhypes everything. You can only hear the AMAZING MUST-SEE WILL RESTORE YOUR FAITH IN HUMANITY sales pitch so many times before you start to hate the thing in question just on principle. Not everything needs to be “the best ever” to be properly appreciated.

    The more than 40,000 subscribers at /r/MildlyInteresting know this all too well. They are champions at finding the small things in life and letting them stand on the their own merits. Described by their moderators as “Mildly interesting stuff. Stuff that interests you. Mildly,” MildlyInteresting is a home for all things that make you go “heh” or “hmm”. You may even find some of its posts underhyped.

    We’ve collected a few of their best posts from the last week or so to give you a taste of this little subreddit that constantly manages to rise above its mild foundation.

    See MildlyInteresting’s most medium-sized finds. »

  6. Mardi Gras passed out drunk guy

    Reddit Thread: “What Weird Scenarios Have You Woken Up to After Drinking?”

    You know the feeling: Dry mouth, splitting headache, sore muscles, general dizziness and nausea. Be grateful for your hangover. If things got seriously weird, you could wake up with something much worse.

    Redditor ompalompa911 asked, “What’s the weirdest scenario you have ever woken up to after drinking?” The answers were both astonishing and hilarious, and showed a certain drunken fascination with food and travel. Ompalompa911 gets things started:

    One night, I came home from a party. For some reason, I get really hungry when I’m drunk, so I decided to make myself some food. I found a frozen pizza and put it in the oven, on top of a some newspaper to avoid messing up the oven. It seemed pretty logical at that point. I turned around, slicing up some bacon to put on the frozen pizza. I cut myself pretty badly while doing this, but I didn’t notice. I heard a sound, so I turned around. It’s the paper in the oven, burning. This is all I can remember.

    I wake up to my mom shouting. I’m on the floor of my kitchen. Around me is what looks like some sort of satanic food-ritual. There are ashes and blood in a circle around me. I had seemingly tried to put out the burning paper with my bleeding hands. Bacon and a halfway-done frozen pizza are formed to some sort of a mattress under me, and for some reason my pants are halfway down my legs.

    The_dayman found his nemesis:

    I once woke up with a girl I didn’t know and two of my fingers were broken. I didn’t ask her name and just dropped her off, so I’ll never really know what happened. A month later I woke up with her again and had to go to the hospital because my foot was still bleeding. Still don’t know her name, but she may be a harbinger of my death.

    Read more tales of recovery from legendary debauchery »

  7. Asking Charlton Heston when characters pee

    Reddit’s “What Unusual Things Do You Think About During A Movie?” Thread

    I can always count on Reddit to be focused on 20 things at once. Many Redditors cannot even sit through a movie without thinking about a multitude of things other than the plot or performance. The things they think about are utterly bizarre, and a little TV Tropes-ish.

    Recently KingQajar asked, “What unusual things do you think about during a movie?” He admits:

    Always when I watch a movie I think about what the minor characters think in life-threatening situations. Like in Zombieland, when that mother is driving away from a birthday party. What would go through her mind, knowing that her little girl is now a zombie clawing away the windows and that she’s probably going to die a horrible death soon?

    Bill_jones is a practical man:

    Whenever I see an actor who is excessively unattractive and their role hinges on that unattractive quality, I wonder what the casting call was like.

    Role: Extra. Females age 65-90, bald, must not have any teeth, morbid obesity a plus.

    Read more Redditor movie distractions. »

  8. artistic blue fart

    Reddit’s “What’s the Most Inappropriate Time You Have Farted?” Thread Makes You Laugh Like a Kid

    Farts are funny. They can make even the strictest teacher giggle, and bring levity to the most depressing of situations. And everyone does it, which means that even when you’re mortified for having ripped one in public, it’s hard to not laugh at yourself. Farts are that good. Louis C.K. sums up the genius of farts rather nicely:

    You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to.

    When redditor murphy1210 asked, “What are the worst or most inappropriate times you have farted?”, everyone stepped up. Many of the responses are pure poetry. I laughed so hard that I farted.

    We’ve got the highlights here for you, but if you’ve got the time, be sure to check out the full thread. It’s silly enough to bring you out of the deepest funk.

    SubtleNoveltyAcct’s gas defies the laws of physics:

    I had to fart once, and I was on an elevator. I did that little ab crunch you do to move it along, and RIGHT before it ripped the doors opened and a half dozen people got on.

    At this point, the only thing holding that fart in was force of will and the fact that I have unusually strong buttocks. I had my head tilted back, cords standing out on my neck, tears in my eyes, and I was counting down in my head until we’d hit my floor.

    Elevator got stuck. I didn’t know if we’d be stuck five minutes or five hours, but it did NOT matter. I couldn’t hold it another second. We had JUST jerked to a stop, and all the chit chat stopped abruptly as everyone was wondering what was up.

    And then, it erupted like a supernova out of my ass. In Sunday School they’d talked about how at the End of Days the angels would blow their trumpets, and God would descend from on high as the sound echoed through the world.

    This was louder. By far. Like a shotgun right next to your ear. It actually rocked my body forward as it erupted from me. There was no way to deny it was me as it seemed to actually propel me across the elevator.

    Then more silence. Silence, and judgmental stares. I have never felt so hated in all my life. Just utter disgust on every face, contempt for my very existence, it seemed.

    Then the elevator started. To this day, I’m fairly sure it was the sheer explosive power of that fart that shot the elevator back into motion.

    It only gets better from here. »

  9. rat tails on google images

    Reddit’s “What Did You Used to Think Was Cool?” Thread Makes You Want to Burn Old Pictures

    Guilty pleasures can be a controversial topic. Some people argue that if you enjoy something, you should enjoy it wholeheartedly and without shame. While I personally agree, sometimes I can’t help but be a little embarrassed by the things I love — like fluffy teen pop music. But nothing quite compares to the shame of a past obsession, the thing you once thought was beyond cool, the very definition of rad, yet now recall with horror.

    Redditor damarust admits that for him, it was velcro shoes. He asked his fellow users, asking, “What is something you used to think was cool but now realize is not?”

    Nicnak1118 didn’t quite have the coordination of his fellow classmates:

    In middle school it was really cool to touch your middle finger to your thumb then shake your hand up and down really fast making your pointer finger smack into your middle finger and thumb. This made a snapping sound. I could never do it, and I was SO envious that everyone else could.

    Jiggjuggjogg gives it a try, with less than desirable results:

    I just tried it and looked like I was giving a handjob. I think I may be doing it wrong.

    Look_at_me tries to help out:

    Try it without a penis in your hand.

    Read more confessions of fads gone wrong »

  10. Jason Bourne on Google Images

    Reddit’s “How Have You Cheated The System?” Thread Makes You Feel Like a Suburban Jason Bourne

    Some rules just plain suck. They are frustrating and unnecessary and they make us want to pull our hair out. No one who has seen Empire Records sympathizes with the Music Town executives; we all cheer for Mark’s “Damn the man!” moment.

    Recently redditor NotYetDomestic realized one of their co-workers was using a new rule to her advantage:

    I work in a typical office building, but today I saw something interesting. My co-worker has been leaving around lunch to go to the gym. I had to get something out of my car and I saw her (in her workout clothes) eating a tub of fried chicken. I didn’t say anything but she walked back in 15 minutes later saying how sore she would be tomorrow. She “works out” everyday. My boss has a policy that if you’re going to work out you don’t have to clock out, which means she essentially gets paid to eat fried chicken in a jogging suit in her mini van.

    Her scheming led him to ask, “What are your best examples of people cheating the system?”

    MightyMofo‘s tuition is subsidized by hate:

    I can afford college thanks to bigotry. I have two moms, and thanks to the law, my non-birth mom is technically not my legal parent, so when I applied for the FAFSA, I could legally say that I was raised by a single mother who works part-time. Financial aid is even sweeter when it feels like you’re getting revenge for living with people’s bullshit.

    Read more stories about people gaming the system. »

  11. thoughtful kid

    Reddit Thread: “What Deep Ponderings Have You Heard From a Kid?”

    A curious kid can be either completely exasperating or wholly hilarious. The endless chain of “but why?” has driven many parents mad, but from time to time these questions can make even the most educated person re-think basic concepts.

    Recently thinwhiteduke99’s daughter threw him for a loop:

    My daughter came to me and said, “Daddy, I have a problem and maybe you can help me out with it. How do I know that I’m real and not just a dream of someone else?”

    The question caught me off guard, but I decided to introduce Descartes to her and said that there was no real way of knowing, but that there was a guy who used to think about these types of things and he said, “I think, therefore I am” and that means that if you are thinking and can create, then it is the best proof that you exist.

    She countered with “How do I know that it’s not just the dream making me think that I am thinking?”

    At that point, I knew that I wasn’t going to win and told her that thinking was still the closest to proof that we have. It contented her enough and she went back to watching iCarly.

    This prompted the father to ask, “What deep ponderings or odd questions have you heard from kids?”

    Maire24’s brother just wanted to know how aware other kids were:

    My brother was always very interested in the consciousness of other children when he was a toddler. Whenever there was a baby around, he’d walk up to them and their mother, frown down at the kid when they were shown to him, look at the mother and ask, “Do they know they’re alive yet?” He creeped a lot of my aunts and my mother’s friends out. Never got a good answer, either.

    Read more profoundly great questions from kids. »

  12. dog in sunglasses

    Reddit’s “What Odd Thing Does Your Pet Do?” Thread Makes You Want to Adopt ALL the Strays!

    Reddit loves bragging about their pets for karma. So when user dickfish asked, “What odd personality thing does your pet do?” redditors came in to rake in the upvotes — and, you know, share cool stories with like-minded people. We’ve gathered a sampling of the very best here for you, so you can start feeling like your dog is boring immediately.

    Ismonkah’s dog just wants to dress up:

    My dog cries until I pretend to put makeup on him. Any time I’m in the bathroom getting ready, he cries and stands up on his hind legs until I put the brush close to his face and tell him he’s pretty.

    Emilylime92’s cat is overly helpful:

    My cat knows how to open doorknobs. He’s learned that, with me being a female, I can’t leave the bathroom without using toilet paper. If he wants something and I’m in the bathroom, he’ll open the door, grab the toilet paper that is hanging down with either his teeth or his paw and pull it and bring it to me. He’ll then sit and wait, and if I don’t use it (doesn’t matter if I’m on the toilet or not) he’ll get more.

    Doesn’t matter if I’m in there to shower, brush my teeth, or take a piss. Neville will make me use the fucking toilet paper.

    Read more stories about the pets of Reddit. »

  13. bad date on Google Images

    Reddit’s “What’s The Dumbest Thing You’ve Said on a Date?” Thread Makes You Wonder How Anyone Finds Love

    Everyone has been on a bad date. But some of us have been much, much further down the rabbit hole. I’m not talking food in your teeth or something on your shirt. I’m talking full-stop “There’s Something About Mary” hair product horror shows. While that oh-so-memorable scene is a bit farfetched, once you read these confessions of courting gone wrong, you might find yourself thankful that the worst you ever did was get embarrassingly drunk at a sushi place.

    Brumbrum21’s attempt to downplay quickly backfired on him:

    After a night out with this girl I’ve been courting, we went back to my place and started fooling around. We got into my room where she knelt down and began to take my pants off. Once I was naked she said, “Wow you’re really big.” Trying to be humble, I responded, “Nah, I’ve seen bigger.”

    At least Bendubendubendu had his facts straight:

    [I was] hanging out with a girl I had been dating for a little while. We were talking and she brought up the fact that her biological father was a sperm donor. We had already talked about this before and I didn’t really have anything particular to keep that conversation going besides, “That really increases your chances of accidental incest, you know.”

    Read more tales of shame and awkwardness »

  14. Mickey Mouse in a furniture store

    Reddit’s “What Tricks Did Your Parents Play on You?” Thread Makes You Respect Your Elders

    Parents have all kinds of tricks to keep from losing their minds. Some switch out certain foods to get their kids to eat their veggies, others conceal the death of a pet to prevent a broken heart. Some just like to fuck with their kids for sport. No matter the reason (or circumstance), once the other shoe drops and the kids realize what’s up, they become the stuff family legends are made of.

    Cyberslick188 tells us how his mother used to put Aunt Jemima’s maple syrup into a different bottle to keep him from whining:

    Today we made waffles while I’m visiting home for a week and my mom mentioned how she would just put Aunt Jemima’s back into the fancy maple syrup bottle and how I’d always say something like “See, mom? I can taste the difference”.

    For 10 years my parents have been laughing at my dickishness. Have your parents ever done something similar to you?

    Timothygruich’s dad was a first-class troll dad:

    My dad used to call me into the bathroom to look at his poop. I was always shocked out of my mind. It looked like little stars and perfect circles and even dog bones. I couldn’t figure out why mine always looked stupid. Turns out he was throwing dog food into the toilet and waiting for it to bloat up before calling me in.

    And so it begins.

    Read more stories of parental trickery. »

  15. David after dentist

    Reddit’s “What Did You Do Under Anesthesia?” Thread Makes You Wish You Worked in Medicine

    There’s nothing more universally strange than coming out from under anesthesia. You think you’ve got it under control, then you try to talk and all hell breaks loose. And apparently everyone knows someone who’s been funny after surgery. We’ve condensed this massive Reddit thread down to a handful of highlights that will make you look forward to picking up your friend after he gets his wisdom teeth out.

    Boreal_girl talks about her husband getting his first colonoscopy:

    They wheel him in and he is semiconscious and singing ‘Moon River’ at the top of his lungs (like Chevy Chase when he got the digit test). I was somewhere between mortified and on the verge of hysterical laughter. The nurses log-roll him off the gurney onto the bed where he lets out a fart that was so loud and long it didn’t even seem humanly possible. It was like an elephant farted through a tuba while standing in a culvert. It must have been 20 seconds long!

    My face was scarlet and he had a wide grin and announced that ‘That’s what the doctor ordered’ and did an ‘Oh yeeeeeah!’ worthy of the Kool-Aid guy. I was slinking into my chair wishing I was invisible. One of the nurses looked at me and said that his reaction was pretty normal.

    myarmhurts had an exorcism:

    My daughter had her appendix removed when she was 5, as we were all standing around her bed waiting for her to wake she sat bolt upright, stared at each of us and said ‘bewaaaare, bewaaaare’ in the most demonic of voices. She then made a terrible face, hung her tongue out of her mouth and yelled ‘blaaaaaaaaah’ before lying back down and going back to sleep.

    Justplainmark must have hated those hospital gowns:

    After getting hernia repair surgery I semi-consciously yelled at the nurses about my clothes:

    Me: “MY PANTS. WHERE ARE THEY.”

    Nurse: “Sir, they’re next to the -”

    Me: “TAKE ME TO THE ROOM WHERE YOU’RE KEEPING MY PANTS.”

    Nurse: “They’re right over -”

    Me: “MY PANTS WOMAN. GOOD GOD.”

    Read more stories of sedated Redditors. »

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