“Steve, what day did you send out the election-related merchandise email newsletter?”
“Oh, months ago! Back when it made any sense for someone to buy a design that would be rendered obsolete tomorrow! Sorry just a sec I need to go write a… thing.”
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Album review: The Beatles, “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”
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The “Home Alone” novelizations are horrifying torture porn
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Good 10 Guy Greg: He’s a hero, but he’s high as shit
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@IDFSpokesperson: A Social Media Success Story
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Willy Wonka responds to the Condescending Wonka meme
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Goofus and Gallant and Kevin
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Seventy years of minutes from the Lik-M-Aid Corporation’s annual board meeting
Whatevs
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The weirdest spam email wants love and commitment, not boners
If there’s one thing we all know about spam emails, it’s this: Spam robots want to talk about your wiener. They want to sell pills for your wiener, or they want to touch your wiener and you should really click through to their profile; they’re just so lonely and a good wiener touch is all they want.
For over a decade, spam emails have focused on sex and hookups and porn and V 1 A G R A, all in an attempt to speak to your most basic carnal desires. That’s all I thought they ever did.
At least I thought that up until yesterday, when I finally got a mature spam email.
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Every supposed picture of Hurricane Sandy over New York City is definitely real
I live in New York and this is super-real:
This is how storms work. They just appear suddenly, while boats are still out on the water and people are just all out on Liberty Island. Even climate change happens in, like, a half hour.
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The girl in this picture is mad you thought she was serious.
Kim Stafford made this sign as a joke for a themed college party. But of course the photo was taken seriously by thousands, maybe millions of internet users, including Cheezburger’s The Daily What (who later added a correction).
Read about the death threats she’s gotten, and how she’s dealing with it. »
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Breakups and email
That last time you meet up with an ex so she can give you all your stuff back is like when you unsubscribe from a mailing list and then they send you that one final “you’ve been successfully unsubscribed” email.
Only nobody’s ever accidentally had sex with that final email. “I don’t know what happened! I just saw that newsletter and all those old feelings and habits came back! I just banged that email, right there on the table.”
That is how breakups and email are different.
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Why “Bitch, I’m a bus” is a funny catchphrase
“Bitch, I’m a bus” was a comment from a schoolbus driver that became an in-joke (you say it like “I’m a boss”), then a subreddit full of pics and videos. After a year, the subreddit is still pretty active (about two posts a day) for its size (5,889 subscribers).
I think there are two main reasons why “Bitch, I’m a bus” is funny: The obvious one, previously proven by “Deal With It” and found-face memes, is that anthropomorphizing inanimate objects is fun.
The second is some Poe-like phonologic: The phrase sounds like the first half of “Bitch, Imma bust yo head” or some other such urban-thug sentence. Your mouth gets the satisfaction of the bit-off Jesse-Pinkman-style “bitch”, the Samuel Jackson “ah”-ing of the “I”, the drawl of the “uh” and the ending hiss of the “ussss”.
So, yeah, good subreddit full of buses being badass.
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Reddit’s no-masturbation support group takes not fapping very seriously
The other day I was reading Nick’s post about probable masturbation euphemisms on the goal-tracking app Lift. The gist of the post is that some folks on the no-masturbation subreddit r/nofap created a goal called something like “Don’t masturbate” and the app’s creator took notice and said something nice about how they’re using the app. And that sure was nice of him.
But wait. There’s a no-masturbation subreddit? As in, that is enough of a common thing for people to get together and talk about it? Like they just hang out and not masturbate together? That… that is different. So I looked into it.
And so begins my investigation into the most oversharing-est support group ever. »
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BabyNamer.com warns of teasing nicknames for your future baby
Researching a future post, I stumbled across BabyNamer: one of the many, many sites that lets future parents research baby names. Not only does it give you some origin information and similar choices, but bravely warns you what other kids might cruelly call your kid. In an aptly named section called “Drawbacks”.
As you can see, the drawbacks to being named Lindsey are as follows: Lint. There is a possibly that I will, at some point, be called “Lint.”
Other popular names?
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Did Chet Haze have a Reddit account, deny it and then delete (most of) it?
This morning I woke up to a flutter of emails. As a self-identified Tom Hanks fan, Stan and aficionado, my friends and web colleagues know to IMMEDIATELY send me anything Hanks is involved in. Therefore, when Hanks’ youngest, an adorable 16 year old high school student named Truman, decided to do a Reddit AMA this AM, I was notified. As I scrolled through, it was pretty innocuous–everything confirming the perfect specimen that Tom Hanks truly is. At least until I got to this part:
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Help Support The Claire Danes Cry Face Project
Finally, something valuable is being done on Pinterest. Bridal collections be damned, Pinner Jessica Hulett, is embarking on an important journey. Hulett’s “Claire Danes Cry Face Project” is a small, yet promising, Pinboard collection of actress Claire Danes’ best “Cry Faces.” Longtime Danes fans (or just those of us who owned Little Women on VHS) are quite familiar with the World Famous Claire Danes Cry Face: scrunched up, quivering chin, eyes from which tears flow effortlessly, a forehead that crumples without a moments notice. You have to experience it to really understand it.
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Do you believe in golf?
This may shock you, but some people who use reddit are atheists. I know, you would think they would be more vocal about it. Well, we found a parody subreddit r/nongolfers devoted to decrying golf with the same passion atheists decry God.
The jokes are best when they use classic atheist subreddit tropes. For example, Facebook missionary work.
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Conference Call Team, Assemble!
Somewhere in corporate America there exists a team of conference call all-stars. These heroes have the bravery, the panache to have loud call-in meetings all the time, no matter what’s going on around them.
What follows is a transcript of one of their legendary meetings.
Speakerphone: “Speakerphone here! I’ve secured a meeting room with Open Door, and we’ve dialed in and set our call to be on the highest volume setting of speakerphone. Open Door, can you close the door so nobody can hear our loud, daily check-in meeting?”
Open Door: “Nah, we should be fine.”
Speakerphone: “Who have we got on the call? Hi Who Joined, are you there?”
BOOP BEEP
Hi Who Joined: “Hi Who Joined here! Hi. I joined.”
BOOP BEEP
Hi Who Joined: “Hi, who joined?”
Continue reading for appearances from Always Driving, No Signal, and Works From Home New Mom »
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Nicholas Kristof tells Reddit his specific plan for fighting a horse-sized duck
Nicholas Kristof, New York Times columnist, came to Reddit for an AMA interview to promote his new book/documentary “Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide.” User supahappyfuntime asked him:
Hey Mr. Kristof, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to do an AMA. Would you rather fight one horse sized duck, or 100 duck sized horses?
Kristof answered:
Definitely one horse-sized duck. Then I’d distract it with some cracked corn and, as it gobbled it up, I’d jump on its back and take it for a flight. I’m too poor to afford a private plane, so a personal horse-sized duck would be a nice alternative.
Read the whole thread at /r/IAmA.
Photo by/CC M@rtinn on Flickr
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Other iPhone Apps Apple Screwed Up
With this week’s release of Apple’s new iOS 6 Apple removed Google Maps from the iPhone and introduced their own Maps app. The new Maps app lacks public transit directions and has a lot of other flaws that have left tech pundits wondering why Apple would take away such a strong app and replace it with such a… piece of crap. But did you know Apple made major changes to five more of their standard apps?
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Nancy Grace, Queen of Violent Hashtags
In the 24 hours surrounding Tuesday September 18th, 73 tweets were logged under the discussion hashtag #TooFatToDie, with that number on the rise. Another hash, #BabySnatcher had logged 359 tweets, while the less popular infant related hashtag #BabyInDryer had only generated 58 tweets worth of online discussion. Sadly, out of all of these ridiculous hashtags, it appears people were least interested in in a dead pregnant woman, as #PregMomRunOver only carried 19 tweets.* While these microtrends aren’t large enough to merit a ton of notice, the fact that all of these hashtags are highly inorganic in their construction and sensational in subject matter makes it amazing that people are using them at all.
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