Posts Tagged “Lindsay Lohan”

L wishes: My one true wish is that Lindsay Lohan gets better and the world loves her again.

Genie answers: Sometimes, to make these wishes happen, I have to make some new science. I have to create something that isn’t just fly-by-night magic, but is sound and structural and a part of the fabric of the universe — something that will keep running long after I’ve stopped paying attention, which is immediately. This is how photosynthesis came to be, and also inertia. For this incredibly complicated wish, I’ve created the theory of reLiLotivity.

Better is a relative term, and changing Lindsay Lohan has proven to be impossible time and time again (Jane Fonda failed!), so there is only one solution: we’re going to have to worsen up everyone on the planet to meet Lindsay’s standards.

Now, all mankind has the education level of a bratty child with an on-set tutor, the wrongheaded self-seriousness of a woman who believed a guest-spot on Ugly Betty could constitute a comeback, and the morals of a person raised by Dina and Michael Lohan. PARTY!

After President Obama makes the State of the Union into a drinking game… »