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IRRELATIONSHIP: How we use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy Paperback – October 20, 2015


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No matter how committed two people are to being together, why can't they get away from feeling like something is missing?


In this important and transformative guide, three experienced practitioners identify the widespread dysfunctional dynamic they call "irrelationship," a psychological defense system two people create together to protect themselves from the fear and anxiety of real intimacy in a relationship.

Drawing on their wide clinical and life experience, the authors look at the behavioral "song-and-dance" routines repeatedly performed by couples in irrelationships. Readers will find a valuable framework for understanding their challenges with action-oriented tools to help them navigate their way to fulfilling relationships.

Mark B. Borg, Jr., PhD, is a community psychologist and psychoanalyst, and a supervisor of psychotherapy at the William Alanson White Institute.

Grant H. Brenner, MD, is a board-certified psychiatrist in private practice, specializing in treating mood and anxiety disorders and the complex problems that may arise in adulthood from childhood trauma and loss.

Daniel Berry, RN, MHA, has practiced as a Registered Nurse in New York City since 1987 and has worked for almost two decades in community-based programs.


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From the Publisher

IRRELATIONSHIP: How we use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy

About IRRELATIONSHIP: How we use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy

About IRRELATIONSHIP: How we use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy

About IRRELATIONSHIP: How we use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy

Similar Titles

Making Your Crazy Work for You

Relationship Sanity By Mark B. Borg, Jr., PhD, Grant H. Brenner, MD, and Daniel Berry, RN, MHA

Book By Mark B. Borg, Jr., PhD

By Mark B. Borg, Jr., PhD, Grant H. Brenner, MD, and Daniel Berry, RN, MHA

Making Your Crazy Work for You introduces a new concept: self-irrelationship, in which we inhibit ourselves from realizing our potential by shutting down our emotions and creativity.

By Mark B. Borg, Jr., PhD, Grant H. Brenner, MD, and Daniel Berry, RN, MHA

This invaluable sequel to the best-selling Irrelationship, Relationship Sanity provides tools for affected couples to address the perennial issues facing relationships, striving for meaningful connection and maintaining intimacy.

By Mark B. Borg, Jr., PhD

The single book therapists everywhere will recommend because, at some point or another, we all have been unpleasant toward others. Mark B. Borg Jr. helps readers identify their insecurities so they can live happier lives.

Editorial Reviews

Review

“The road to recovery is stated in user-friendly, self-help terms—discover the unrealistic song-and-dance both partners are playing, seek to repair it (by sharing responsibility for the problem), and thereby empowering each other to make changes (alternative ways of thinking and behaving) through a mutuality of experience that permits the expression of love in all its wonderful, vital, unpredictable, even downside forms, as the way to find continued growth and collaboration for both members of the couple.” —Martin Bloom, PhD, Professor Emeritus, University of Connecticut

Irrelationship is an invaluable user’s guide to the care and maintenance of adult relationships. It shines a light on challenges we often choose to ignore—the adoption of roles that limit us, the replaying of damaging patterns formed by our earliest experiences—and offers insightful and concrete advice on how to do the work necessary to build stronger and happier partnerships.” —Carolyn Parkhurst, Author of The Dogs of Babel and The Nobodies Album
Irrelationship crosses the frontier of “self help” into a new area which the authors call “self-other help.” The DREAM Sequence used for recovery from irrelationship is designed for couples to work together and help them reconnect with the wonderful chemistry and emotional connections that initially drew them to one another.” —Diana Kirschner, PhD, Bestselling author of Love in 90 Days

About the Author

Mark B. Borg, Jr., Ph.D. is a community psychologist and psychoanalyst, founding partner of The Community Consulting Group, and a supervisor of psychotherapy at the William Alanson White Institute. He has written extensively about the intersection of psychoanalysis and community crisis intervention. He is in private practice in New York City. Dr. Borg attended graduate school at the California School of Professional Psychology, where he earned both his MA and PhD in a dual-track program in clinical and community psychology. While there, Dr. Borg served on a four-year community empowerment project that was developed in South Central Los Angeles in the wake of the 1992 riots. Also at that time, he conducted individual and group psychotherapy at the AIDS Services Foundation in Orange County, California.

Grant H. Brenner, MD is a board-certified psychiatrist in private practice, specializing in treating mood and anxiety disorders and the complex problems that may arise in adulthood from childhood trauma and loss. He completed medical school at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey and holds Certificates in Psychoanalysis and in Organizational Psychodynamics from the William Alanson White Institute. Dr. Brenner serves on the board of the nonprofit organization Disaster Psychiatry Outreach. He is a faculty member of the Mount Sinai Hospital and Director of the Trauma Service of the William Alanson White Institute. He is an editor of Creating Spiritual and Psychological Resilience: Integrating Care in Disaster Relief Work, and the author of several papers and book chapters related to disaster response.

Daniel Berry, RN, MHA has practiced as a Registered Nurse in New York City since 1987. He worked for almost two decades in community based programs and private care for HIV/AIDS and substance abuse populations. He is currently the Assistant Director of Nursing for Risk Management at a public hospital serving homeless and undocumented victims of street violence, drug addiction, and severe traumatic injuries. His work history includes employment at two of New York City’s major medical centers and as a visiting nurse in the homes of some of the city’s most privileged households as well as some of its most underprivileged housing projects.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ 1942094000
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Central Recovery Press (October 20, 2015)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 288 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781942094005
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1942094005
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 11.2 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.8 x 8.9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:

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Customer reviews

4.2 out of 5 stars
59 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on December 26, 2015
This is the most practical book for anyone that is willing to investigate themselves, for themselves, serial relationships failures. This is more than another how-to book, it is not that at all. This is a studied method of self investigation without the judgement aspects of typical counseling wherein you the "patient" selects the information to tell the counselor, wasting hours of sessions of serial misinformation in order to get feedback, often over periods of years. I know Dr. Borg, and in the early stage of writing this book learned of the first tool of self examination of relationship failure. It is called GRAFTS and by obtaining the book, you can immediately relate to the presentation of the following material in the book. You have to get the book though in order to appreciate the truth of the value of continuing with the practical exercises that will allow you to heal yourself, and encourage your willingness to change. Believe me it is the most valuable self examination that I ever knew of because as you read the material it will enhance that willingness and self confidence for giving yourself ways to change. WJZ
4 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on December 15, 2018
Absolutely stellar book. I think I stumbled on this via a 'Psychology Today' article (or something similar), but this really brought clarity to large portions of my last relationship. While I think the authors may overemphasize the role one's direct caretakers may play in early development (and by extension, disregarding genetics or other broader factors that could lend itself to a similar starting point), the overarching conclusions seem to be spot on - at least, as relevant to my own life.

100% recommended.
4 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on June 21, 2022
If you are here because you read his other book called "Don't be a d**ck", don't buy it unless you really need to read the same information again. It has some new stuff but is basically the same and I enjoyed the other book a lot more (maybe bc I read that one first).
In my opinion and personal experience, both of these books are great to understand yourself and your relationship, they explain where our traumas come from in a very empathic and easy way, with a lot of examples, and talk a lot about narcissists... but if you (like I was) are in a relationship with a narcissist, things get trickier. And I'll tell you why.
This book can open your eyes but it might also give you hope, you may feel too much compassion for the narcissist in your life (now that you understand what's going on and... hey, it's an illness after all, right?) and you might try to become their savior giving them all your love and even more patience, only to be abused and battered a bit more... I recommend you always keep in mind that you have been gaslighted and manipulated for some time now, and that if you are here buying this book is because you feel confused and misunderstood (I didn't do this and I payed for it).
Later on, you will read somewhere else and even experience it yourself: narcissism is not curable.

If you read this book and confirm or discover your partner is a narcissist, my advice is that you work on letting them go. Find another book, watch another video, read about the grey rock method and detach as soon as possible, take your baby steps and time you need.
This book might be too optimistic and it may lead you to continue in a destructive relationship, it is very careful to use the word "narcissist", so read between the lines. If your partner is not a narcissist or you are the narcissist and want to change (unlikely, but it rarely happens), it probably helps in healing a relationship.
Reviewed in the United States on January 9, 2016
This book is a great guide into dissecting what goes wrong from childhood to adulthood, how it affects our relationships as adults and how to become aware, accept and fix these problems. Additionally it gives advice on how to strengthen acceptance and repair the pitfalls that plague many toxic relationships. Finally, it teaches us how to see our relationship as more of a special friendship so you and your significant other can comfortably share everyday moments and interests with each other. Great read.
10 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on April 6, 2017
This is a great book. It has helped me understand that my style of relating to significant others is hurting my relationship. I especially related to the GRAFTS paradigm that was discussed. I would have never guessed that being Good, Right and Smart actually were part of my own actor routine that was killing my ability to genuinely connect in a relationship.
6 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on August 11, 2016
Insightful, well written and moving. The authors make their points clear and explicit, while being written in a way that makes it a very quick and entertaining read. The exercises at the end of each chapter are helpful, and the examples used are great demonstrations of the information conveyed. I highly recommend this book, regardless of relationship status. This book provides ample opportunities for self-growth, reflection and introspection.
5 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on December 16, 2015
This book helped me see the "how" and "why" the cycle can remain the same in relationships. The variety of examples hit on all aspects I've experienced in relationships and cohabitation. The "Aha" moment of I've done it again resonated with me over and over. Cheers to all us recognizing the cycle and the courage to make a change.
7 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on February 16, 2016
Interesting theory. I like the idea and its definitely an area not often explored in psychology. However the book itself often reads like a late night telemarketing show. Its often vague and gets lost in its attempt to describe everything in terms of examples. the hard scientific wording and theories are absent and left to the reader to squeeze out. it feels like valid observations but comes across as a self help book, missing out on its promise of real psychological science.
5 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Book Addict
5.0 out of 5 stars Accurate Observable Concepts
Reviewed in Canada on July 13, 2016
I have seen the concepts here played out in the lives of far too many adult children of dysfunctional families and in couples where one is addicted, and the non-addicted is a significant causative factor.