Reddit user MrTheFalcon asked divorce lawyers from the Reddit community to share what their clients think is unique but is actually super common across cases. Here's what they revealed:
1. "I asked a friend about this once. He said how many people come in peacefully together. It's not the big standard, and it's not everyone, but it happens 'way more than you'd expect.' Both spouses just want the divorce and to move on. Apparently, it happens quite a bit. He said that sometimes they'd devolve into a bit of a battle over assets, rarely kids, but more often than not, if a couple comes in together, he has a bad day because he makes the least money off of them. He said one couple collectively sent him a Christmas basket one year after their divorce. Basically, they wanted out, and he helped navigate its legalities, and everyone was happy."
2. "Your dog is not special. Yes, I know you love the dog. So does your soon-to-be ex. No, the court will not order that you share joint custody of the dog. No, I will not file a motion demanding that you get to keep the dog. I don't care that you were the one who walked the dog, and neither does the judge. It's a dog. Rational people do not spend $400 an hour in attorney fees fighting over a dog. You and your soon-to-be ex will both look like morons in court. Either the two of you agree on who gets the dog, or the judge will order the dog to be sold, and the two of you split the profit. Dogs are property, not children. Yes, even your dog."
3. "With 26 years in law practice and 15 of those doing domestic relations cases, I finally get to say with authority: They think their spouse is the worst ever and that their divorce is the most difficult ever. My most common answer to their endless rants is: 'This costs you about $5 a minute, and we can better use my time. Besides, you're the one who married him.'"
4. "That the judge in their case is incompetent. I work in nonprofit family law and use volunteer attorneys, so I see clients and volunteers. The volunteers often come to us because they 'saw how broken the system is and how incompetent the judges are.' The judges are not incompetent; you are just a self-absorbed a-hole lawyer who didn't get everything you (very unrealistically) wanted. Side note: These are attorneys who do not work in family law. Similarly, I hear a lot about how terrible opposing counsel was. They don't realize that most family law attorneys are friends and know exactly how the judge will rule regardless of their client's wants. Our actual clients (low-income) are usually just very glad to be getting a divorce and don't even realize what they can receive. They are over the moon if they get a fair custody and support order."
5. "My mom's a divorce lawyer, so I asked her. She said that most people who she works with seem to think they are unique with 'how much of an a-hole their ex is.'"
6. "Paralegal here. When cheating is involved, the client often brings in mountains of photographs, text message printouts, bank statements showing where cash was withdrawn, etc. They need me to understand how awful this is, and they want me to go stakeout their soon-to-be cheating ex. Cheating is incredibly common. My standard reply of, 'Yes, I understand. Yes, I have seen hundreds of pictures and thousands of text messages. Yes, he/she is terrible for doing this to you,' is always met with, 'But you don't understand. This is the worst thing that has ever happened!' Trust me, I understand. You are coming to see me on your worst day ever. I will be sure that the attorney understands your file inside and out, but you aren't going to shock us, and I am not Facebook stalking your soon-to-be ex. Well, I might, just for fun, but I won't go on a stakeout with you."
7. "All my clients think they can do my job. All my clients think their case should last as long as an episode of Law & Order. All my clients think evidence and arguments are conveniently raised for the first time at the trial when, in reality, there should be no surprises at trial. If I'm doing my job right, I could give opposing counsel's argument before I hear it from him and vice versa. All my clients expect impeccable professionalism and customer service from me, although they will, at some point, wear pajamas or sweatsuits in my office or court. All my clients have a friend or cousin whose experience with their attorney only took one day and cost less than my retainer."
8. "This is from my mother, who is a divorce attorney. She says all her clients underestimate how conniving the other spouse will be. They are always shocked when their ex empties out the bank accounts and changes the locks. My mother says this happens in most divorce cases."
9. "I work for a divorce attorney. Our most common 'unique' issue is generally someone saying, 'I need to file a motion because he/she stopped paying for [fill in the blank].' It's not surprising that estranged partners stop paying for things. Financial issues are the most common reason for divorce in the US. Add ill will to the equation, and it's inevitable."
10. "I am a family law attorney. About half of my clients tell me that their soon-to-be ex will agree to everything. Yeah, that's never happened. Not once."
11. "I often hear, 'You don't know. He knows a lot of important people and can hide his money anywhere.' He's not as important as you think and almost certainly not good enough to hide money from lawyers and forensic accountants so that we can't account for it when distributing marital property."
12. "I'm a legal assistant for a family law attorney. The number of clients who tell me they want full custody of their kids and actually think they have a shot at getting it is astonishing. I don't think I've ever seen a party get all of their custodial rights taken away from them. Also, clients seem to think that their spouse cheating on them will give them the upper hand in front of a judge. California is a no-fault state, so the judge couldn't care less if your husband or wife cheated on you. No, it's not going to get you more spousal support. No, it won't get you a bigger share of custody. The judge might think they're an a-hole, but that's about it."
"Clients also seem to think that things should be happening overnight. The courts don't work like that. When we file, it takes at the very least a month to get a court date. Then, the judge may or may not make orders at that hearing, depending on the circumstances. Unless it's an emergency situation, it takes a while for these things to happen. I have so many clients who call me every day wanting an update on their case. The one that irritates me the most is the clients who call regarding disputes they have about their bills. 'Are you going to charge me for this phone call?' Why yes, yes I am. We charge for all our work on your case, including the phone calls I get from you daily. Yes, completing the paperwork you wanted for the hearing took me two hours. Having an attorney isn't cheap, and people try to take advantage of us left and right when it comes to their bills because they disagree with what we're charging them for, even though all of that information is listed in their retainer agreement."
13. "When a parent believes that their right to access and custody is somehow tied to their obligation to pay child support. Just because you are not seeing your child does not mean your obligation to support the child is somehow magically vitiated."
14. "I've done divorce and family law for over 25 years. For me, what is a very consistent theme is that clients feel that their divorce is one of the worst ones ever because of the very difficult issues that need to be addressed shortly after separation, like custody, access, and how much support has to be paid. It's a terrible time when people who are usually rational act in ways they'd never otherwise act, like keeping the children away from the other parent, changing the locks when the other spouse is away to keep the house, and calling the police for questionable reasons to create a strategic advantage in the litigation."
"Most people think that these terrible things are rare and are happening only to them because they're in a terrible separation, but the fact is that these events are common and happen in many, many separations. Unfortunately, it's a dirty, dirty business where almost anything can go wrong. I once had a client who took all of their spouse's personal belongings and put them on the street with a sign that said, 'Take me, I'm free.' I've had spouses break into the other person's home to take items they felt entitled to (like the other person's bed). People are remarkably clever in finding new and novel ways to make life miserable for their ex-spouses."
15. "Wisconsin is a no-fault state. My lawyer told me it was ridiculous how many people she dealt with who wouldn't understand that cheating didn't matter. Yeah, it sucked, and yeah, it can tarnish the cheater's character, but the judge doesn't really care."
16. "I'm a family attorney who is graciously leaving that area. Everything is practically the same. Money, kids, earnings, allegations – nothing is unique. If you can put away your BS and relish in the fact that you are no longer going to be with this person you don't want to be with, let's make it easy. I've had complex divorces go super easy, and I've had simple ones drag on for years out of spite. Listen. To. Your. Attorney. Do you know what a good attorney does if he finds himself in a legal predicament? Gets an attorney. You're paying for his experience in the system. Almost guaranteed, if you go to trial, you will leave with less than you hoped for. You can, 99% of the time, get something better and cheaper if you agree."
"We don't want your case any longer than you do. If you have unrealistic goals and refuse to listen to our counsel, we will gladly bill you for the time. Most calls between attorneys start with, 'What does your client want to do?' followed by, 'I've told my client this, but they want to do that.' I know 90% of the time how the court will rule (and so does the other attorney). I have had countless hearings where we should settle everything, but one side won't agree. We'll go and tell the judge the impasse and that we will put on this little bit of testimony and let the judge rule. Congrats, that's three hours of billable time.
Family law is like a weird office setting in most places. It's the same attorneys interacting with each other weekly or even daily. Same with the judges. I inform my clients to respect the other attorney and the entire court staff. These are people with whom I have ongoing business relationships. If you see me having a friendly conversation with the other attorney before the hearing or even during a recess, we are not conspiring against you or trying to milk you for all you have. Don't assume you are getting the shaft if you see the other attorney speaking with the judge. They are likely social with the judge outside the courtroom, just like I am. If you have a dedicated family judge and your attorney doesn't have a good relationship with them, find another one. And please don't call me. If you have an emergency, talk to my assistant. She will determine if it is an emergency. It likely isn't. I will call you by the end of tomorrow."
17. "If I had a nickel for every time I've wanted to tell a client, 'I don't really care about his criminal history from before you all were married. You knew and still married and had a child with him,' I'd be able to buy several cases of Diet Coke."
18. "Each and every year, I'll have a client who tries to convince me that their former spouse's prior use of marijuana should be grounds to allow them to have sole custody of their child, even though they no longer use. The other thing is how many former partners believe that their spouses are hiding bank accounts when, in fact, the client was never involved in the finances."
19. And: "In Texas, everyone thinks the judge will give them the kids or give them more of the assets if he/she just hears their side of things. No. In family law, we know the end result 90% of the time. The code sets out exactly what people get. The only time it varies is when there's abuse. Even then, we know mostly how the judge will rule. No one is 'special.' Attorneys make a difference by protecting the client from disputes down the road and negotiating for what's most important to the client."
If you're a divorce lawyer who has noticed other major commonalities across cases, tell us in the comments or submit anonymously using this form!
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.