As someone who’s all for playful banter and even some good old-fashioned roasting, I can easily laugh off witty, well-meaning jabs from my close friends. But that’s definitely not the same as dealing with a snarky, passive-aggressive “mate.” You know, the one whose insults are always veiled as compliments. (“I wish I could wear as much makeup as you!” “Wow, if only I could be so carefree about my future!”)
“None of us enjoys feeling belittled, especially by those we consider to be our friends,” says Dr Melanie Ross Mills, a therapist and author of The Friendship Bond. After all, these are the people we choose to have in our lives to lift us up, not drag us down or make us feel insecure.
Figuring out how to react to these snide comments can be awkward, though: Do you brush off that backhanded compliment about how “effortless” your job is – even though it lets them get away with being rude? Or do you match their judgemental attitude (“Actually, my career is way more challenging than your stuffy office job”) to make a point?
“Instead of internalising the offhand remark or impulsively lashing out, it’s important to pause and think about how to respond, because this could be a good opportunity to speak up for yourself,” Dr. Mills says. You don’t have to cuss them out, but handling the situation calmly and confidently can set the tone and show them that you won’t accept being talked down to, she explains.
You’re not a bad person if you have a lot of critical thoughts — but it’s still worth trying to keep your inner Regina George in check.
Plus having an open conversation may even strengthen your friendship. For you, it’s a chance to clearly communicate boundaries for the behaviours you will (and won’t) tolerate. And for your pal, it’s a learning moment that lets them see how their words affect you, which will hopefully lead to a healthier and happier dynamic moving forward, she adds.
To help you navigate this tricky territory – without completely losing your cool – we asked Dr. Mills for some polite yet assertive things to say to your friend any time their banter feels a bit more like bullying.
“Are you feeling okay? That comment didn’t seem like you.”
If your friend’s condescending words are out of character, it’s worth considering what they might be dealing with. For example, maybe those sudden digs about your years-long relationship stem from their recent breakup. Or they snapped at you because they’re pissed that they didn’t get their dream job.
“Sometimes people take their pain out on those closest to them through backhanded or passive-aggressive remarks,” Dr. Mills says – which is why she recommends redirecting the conversation toward how they’re doing. In response, your friend may open up about how they’re bitter that their ex moved on with someone new, for instance, or how they’re in a bad mood because of the rejection letter they got that morning.
Of course, having a shitty day doesn’t give them a free pass to treat you poorly. “You can let them know that you understand they’re going through a difficult time, but their harsh comments are making you feel hurt and disrespected,” Dr. Mills says.
An empathetic conversation like this – in which you validate their struggles but also stand up for yourself – allows both of you to express your true thoughts and feelings. And having a foundation of honesty and mutual respect, Dr. Mills says, is super important for any relationship to overcome challenges (like calling out bad behaviour) and ultimately thrive.
The tell-tale signs to look out for.
“I’m not sure that I’m getting it. What did you mean by that?”
Another way to respond to a sneering statement is to simply ask your friend for an explanation, Dr. Mills says.
At best, they’ll specify that their quip about how “brave” you are for posting that bikini selfie, say, was just a poorly phrased way of giving you a genuine compliment. On the flip side, if their remark was intentionally condescending, having to repeat it “usually holds them accountable by putting them on the spot to pause, process, and rethink what they said,” Dr. Mills says.
When you ask someone to say their mean-spirited comment again, it’s pretty damn awkward for them. And that’s the point: The focus of the conversation shifts to your friend’s exact words. Having their sneak diss scrutinized should make them more aware of their tone and may cause them to feel a little guilty, Dr. Mills says. This moment of self-reflection, she adds, can lead them to rephrase their thoughts more respectfully. (With the above example, for instance: “Oh, I liked your bikini pic! I wish I had the confidence to post one too.”)
However your friend responds when you ask them to explain themselves, their answer can give you some much-needed clarity: You’ll either learn that their rudeness was a genuine oversight (and, hopefully, calling it out will make them more careful with their words going forward) or a revealing glimpse into their true, unkind character – especially if they keep up their patronising attitude.
“Can you see why that kind of comment would hurt?”
“This is a helpful question to ask because it requests some acknowledgement of your feelings,” Dr Mills says, which, if they’re truly your friend, they should naturally care about.
For instance, a good pal who didn’t mean to hurt you will likely respond by validating your emotions, perhaps by apologising (“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean it like that. What I was trying to say was…”) or owning up to their mistake (“You’re right, I shouldn’t have said that and I get that it came off so wrong”).
A “friend” who doesn’t really have your best interest in mind, though, or who was trying to belittle you. may get defensive (“I was just joking, chill”) or double down on the dismissive attitude (“Wow, I didn’t realize you were so sensitive”). In that case, you might have to reevaluate whether it’s worth keeping them in your life, Dr. Mills says.
If this person talks down to you all the time, remember this: Your friends are supposed to be your loudest cheerleaders, making you feel proud and supported – not leaving you here, reading this article and wondering if your friendship is even one at all.
This article was originally published on SELF.
You don’t have to act as their therapist to make a meaningful difference.
