This article references fatal domestic abuse and sexual violence.
We know the stats by now. We know that a woman is killed by an abusive partner or ex-partner every five days in England and Wales. We know that male violence against women and girls is a national emergency and a public health crisis. But nothing seems to stop the endless stream of news that yet another woman, another girl, another brilliant life force, has been brutally murdered by yet another violent man.
This relentless violence can make us feel powerless, but there is life after domestic abuse – and we should all be fighting to ensure that victims and survivors get to see it. If you suspect you are being abused, you are not alone, and support is always available for you – no matter what your race, religion, gender, or sexuality.
Here, GLAMOUR's Purpose Editor and former domestic abuse support worker, Lucy Morgan, explains what domestic abuse can look like, the laws on this form of abuse, and what to do if it's happening to you or someone you know.
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What does domestic abuse look like?
What is the law on domestic abuse?
What can I do if I'm being abused?
What can I do if a friend or someone I know is being abused?
What can I do if I think I'm abusing someone?
What is domestic abuse?
Refuge, the UK's largest domestic abuse charity, defines domestic abuse as “an incident or a pattern of behaviour that is used by someone to control or obtain power over their partner or ex-partner. It is never the fault of the person who is experiencing it, and it is a crime.”
According to Women's Aid, domestic abuse can involve (but is not limited to) “controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence.”
In the vast majority of cases, domestic abuse is perpetrated by an ex or current partner, but it can also be committed by a family member or carer.
Domestic abuse is largely committed by men against women; it's estimated that one in four women in England and Wales will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. Men can also be victims of domestic abuse and may be less likely to speak out for fear of appearing ‘weak ’or less masculine.
It's estimated that 93% of defendants in domestic abuse cases are male, while 84% of victims are female. However, women are three times more likely to be arrested for incidents of abuse (via Refuge).
Domestic abuse can also happen in LGBT+ relationships, which may make it harder for victims to speak out. Galop, the UK’s LGBT+ anti-abuse charity, notes that LGBT+ people may be “manipulated into believing that there is no help available to them” because of their sexuality and may “be told that abusive behaviours are ‘normal’ in LGBT+ relationships.”
Some women and girls may also experience “honour-based abuse”, which is a form of domestic abuse that is sometimes dismissed as a “‘cultural’, ‘traditional’ or ‘religious’ problem,” according to Karma Nirvana.
Disabled women are twice as likely to experience abuse than non-disabled women (per SafeLives) and may find it harder to access support if the perpetrator has a ‘caring’ role in their day-to-day lives.
The mothers of three young women who were murdered in their homes are urgently calling for change.
What does domestic abuse look like?
Domestic abuse can take many forms, which we'll explore below. However, it's important to remember that not all types of abuse need to be present for it to be abuse. If you recognise any of these behaviours, please seek support as soon as it is safe to do so.
Types of domestic abuse
Coercive control: When an abuser uses a pattern of behaviour over a period of time to exert power and control over how you live your life.
This can include isolating you from your family and friends, e.g. encouraging you not to go out, pressuring you to move in with them when you're not ready, etc.; controlling what you do, e.g. what you eat, what you wear, who you spend time with; monitoring your behaviour, and gaslighting you, e.g., making you doubt your perception of the abuse and your reality.
Psychological/emotional abuse: When an abuser uses non-physical behaviours – such as name-calling, gaslighting, making threats, manipulating you etc., – to make you feel or act in a certain way.
Economic abuse: When an abuser controls or attempts to control your access to money or financial resources. This can include getting you into debt without your knowledge or consent, using or changing your bank passwords, making you ask them for money, without child maintenance payments, and making significant financial decisions without your input or knowledge.
For more information and support about economic abuse, please check out. survivingeconomicabuse.org.
Physical abuse: When an abuser touches or hurts you without your consent. This can include hitting, punching, kicking, punching, pulling your hair, slapping, choking, spitting, using physical restraints, and spiking your food and drink.
Tech abuse: When an abuser uses technology to control, harass, and/or intimidate you. This can include the use of spyware, using AI/deepfake technology to create fake nude images of you, threatening to share real or fake images without your consent, constantly monitoring and contacting you online, and monitoring your location without your consent.
Sexual abuse: When an abuser threatens or forces you to engage in any sexual activity without your consent. This can include forced oral sex, stealthing (removing a condom without consent), having anal sex without asking for consent, and knowingly infecting you with sexually-transmitted diseases.
Remember, perpetrators tailor their abuse to their victims. If you don't see your experience included here, that doesn't mean it's not abuse. Seek support at your earliest (and safest) opportunity.
Today marks the start of the 16 Days of Activism against gender-based violence.
What is the law on domestic abuse?
Domestic abuse is a crime in the UK – there is legislation in place to protect you and your loved ones if and when you report it to the police.
The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 provides the following protections for those in England and Wales:
- It classes coercive control and economic control as a form of domestic abuse.
- It gives police the power to issue Domestic Abuse Protection Notices (DVPNs), which can require perpetrators to leave the home for up to 48 hours, enabling the victim to find a safer living space.
- Gives victims and their children the right to safe accommodation away from their abuser.
- Prohibits the abuser from being able to cross-examine the victim in court.
- Ensures victims are entitled to special measures – such as giving evidence via video link – in the criminal, civil and family courts.
- Recognises children as victims – not just “witnesses” – of domestic abuse.
- Protects the right of victims to ask police if their partners have a history of domestic abuse. This is known as Clare’s Law.
In Scotland, the Domestic Abuse (Scotland) Act 2018 provides the following protections:
- Focusing on the behaviour of the abuser – not the victim.
- Recognises that domestic abuse is often a pattern of behaviour rather than an isolated incident.
- It makes non-harassment orders (NHOs) the default, which provides extra protections for victims by making certain actions—e.g., communicating with the victim—a criminal offence.
- It recognises children as victims – not just “witnesses” – of domestic abuse.
In Northern Ireland, the Domestic Abuse and Civil Proceedings Act 2021 provides the following protections:
- It criminalises abusive behaviour that occurs on two or more occasions against an intimate partner, former partner or close family member.
- It recognises the repetitive nature – AKA the ‘pattern of abuse’ – of domestic abuse.
- Ensures the laws aren't just applicable to physical violence but also include controlling or coercive behaviour, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, and financial abuse.
- Recognises the impact that domestic abuse has on children.
The laws on domestic abuse – particularly within the family courts – are far from perfect, but support is available to help you navigate legal proceedings.
The PM has promised “change” – but what does this look like for women and girls?
What can I do if I'm being abused?
If you are in immediate danger, please always call 999.
Remember, you don't have to wait for an emergency to access urgent support.
Refuge has a brilliant team of highly trained female advisors who will listen to you and offer nonjudgmental advice and support, regardless of gender, sexuality, religion, or background. They can help you understand your options and support you to make any decisions about your future – even if you are not ready to leave your abuser.
You can call their 24/7 helpline for free on 0808 2000 247. You can also access their online chatbot if you don't want to talk over the phone. They also have a dedicated British Sign Language helpline.
There are many services available to domestic abuse survivors and victims, including the following:
Refuges: Emergency temporary accommodation for you and your children, providing you with a safe, supported space to make informed decisions about your future.
Outreach support: Trained support workers who can meet with you wherever is safest and most convenient for you.
Independent Domestic Violence Advocates (IDVAs): Highly-trained support workers who can help you navigate the civil and criminal justice systems.
Specialist services for Black minoritised women: Black and migrant women may experience additional barriers when reporting domestic abuse. You can find a directory of specialist support services at www.imkaan.org.uk/get-help.
More useful links (courtesy of Refuge, NHS, and GOV.UK):
- Men’s Advice Line – specialist support for male survivors: 0808 8010327 mensadviceline.org.uk
- Galop – specialist support for LGBT+ survivors: 0800 999 5428 galop.org.uk
- Karma Nirvana – support for honour-based abuse: 0800 5999 247 karmanirvana.org.uk
- National Stalking Helpline: 0808 802 0300 suzylamplugh.org
- Revenge Porn Helpline: 0345 6000 459 revengepornhelpline.org.uk
- Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline (Northern Ireland): 0808 802 1414 help@dsahelpline.org
- Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline (Scotland): 0800 027 1234 helpline@sdafmh.org.uk
- Live Fear Free (Wales): 0808 80 10 800 info@livefearfreehelpline.wales
- Victim Support: 08 08 16 89 111 www.mysupportspace.org.uk/
You can also download the Bright Sky app, which has resources and support for anyone experiencing domestic abuse or who is worried about someone else.
Women’s Aid has a directory of domestic abuse support services across the UK.
If you are concerned that your partner may be tracking your online activity, you can use Refuge’s Tech Safety Website to learn how to keep your devices private.
We're calling for the next government to introduce a comprehensive image-based abuse law.
What can I do if a friend or someone I know is being abused?
It can be incredibly painful and frustrating to see a friend or someone you love experiencing domestic abuse – especially if they aren't ready to leave the situation or access support.
You may want to directly intervene to protect them, but this isn't always the safest option for you or the victim.
Refuge provides the following tips for supporting your loved one:
Create a safe space. Make sure you speak in private. Make it clear you won’t judge. Only then might she feel safe enough to open up.
Tell her you’re worried. Try “You haven’t seemed yourself lately. Is there anything you want to talk about? Is everything OK at home?”
Take her seriously. Listen. Believe her. Women are often dismissed. They’re told he seems like a nice guy, or a great dad. Trust what she says.
Tell her it’s not her fault. Your friend might blame herself. Tell her she is not to blame. He alone is responsible.
For more guidance, read Refuge's full blog here.
What can I do if I think I'm abusing someone?
It takes courage to recognise that you are abusing someone else – but help and support is available.
Respect provides honest, non-judgemental support for domestic violence perpetrators. You can contact their free helpline on 0808 8024040 (Monday–Friday 10 am-5 pm), email them at info@respectphoneline.org.uk, or use their Webchat support (Thursday 2-4 pm).
If you're worried someone might see you have visited this page, the Women's Aid website tells you how to cover your tracks online.
For more from Glamour UK's Lucy Morgan, follow her on Instagram @lucyalexxandra.
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