In Hollywood, the day after the Oscars is an unofficial holiday. A day when it's understood people get in late to the office. Ice the puffy eyes. Advilize the hangover. A day to recover from the "I'm SO happy for you!"–ness of it all. Which is probably why Jay Leno is working in his garage. Well, it's not really a garage. It's more like a museumwarehouse. What Imelda Marcos was to shoes, Leno is to cars. The place is, well…comical.
As with all things Leno, you're in the land of the exaggerated feature, the oversize gesture. It's a 17,000squarefoot compound in Burbank, near Bob Hope Airport. The part of town that has sheetmetal factories.
When you arrive, you press a buzzer and a sequence of keys, and a metal curtain slides open. I pull my car in—an Audi R8 that I scammed. I figured I needed to pull up in something besides the usual RentaCan. As I'm trying to climb out of the car, Leno appears, wiping his hands on a greasy rag and wearing what he always wears when he's not telling jokes jeans and a denim shirt. He limps—the result of a broken toe that he never took care of. The eyes are beautifully blue.
"I got one of these," he says, looking at the R8. "How do you like it"
It's great, I say.
Here's the truth about Leno He's not a smooth host. A bit awkward, really.
"Uh, wanna look around" he says.
Well, sure, Jay.
"Maybe the best place to start is over here," he says, showing me a room where all they do is test engines. "It's sealed so that if the engine blows up, nothing happens."
He shows me the EcoJet, the car he invented with GM that runs on Frenchfry oil. It looks like something from Batman's garage—like Michael Caine should be nearby with the keys.
"We're off the grid here. Totally solar and green. Look." He walks to a sink, squirts some foam onto the palms of his hands, and rubs it till it disappears. "No water. Kinda cool."
He shows me a naturalgas engine that was built in the nineteenth century and was used on Malta, to power the island.
"I shipped it over here and restored it. It seemed like a neat thing to do."
And this is just the first warehouse. Before we even sit down to talk, he takes me through three more. A room of nothing but vintage Bugattis and Bentleys. An electric car from the early 1900s. A 230horsepower barstool. ("Just to see if we could do it.")
How many cars do you have
"You sound like my wife."
I'm just saying…
"I dunno. What does it matter One hundred and five or something." He shows me a motorcycle that runs on steam and propane. Looks like something from the lab of a hillbilly Einstein. Leno has juryrigged it with the heat exchanger from a Titan missile. "Before 9/11, you used to be able to buy stuff like that. It really makes this thing move."
We finally make our way to a paneled, windowless room. It feels like the break room on a plant floor. Stained carpeting. Bookshelves groaning from the weight of countless technical manuals. There's a bathroom with photos of him with presidents like Bush I and Clinton. They're framed, hanging above the toilet.
He drops his large 58yearold self into an overstuffed chair and crosses his arms tight across his chest. His right leg jiggles up and down, like a kid waiting to be excused. He looks strange not seated behind a desk.
"So," he says, staring at his black work boots, "whaddya wanna talk about"
When you exit The Tonight Show, will you, like the departing president does, leave a note in the desk for your successor, Conan
The odd thing about this job, there's only five people in the world who understand it, who you can commiserate with. Conan's one. Letterman. Kimmel. I don't really talk to Dave much anymore. But Kimmel and I are good friends. The nice thing is—and Conan and I sort of set it up this way—you didn't have this ugly thing that happened with Dave and I the last time around. I just wanted to make sure we didn't go through any of that. It was a bit premature announcing it five years ago, but at least there wasn't all this speculation. Conan's a class guy.
**Some people say that by moving to 10 p.m., you outfod Conan. **
People can say whatever they want. Ultimately, you rise and fall on your own ability. And in television, as in sports, people throw everything they have at you. And you can say, "I would've gotten a touchdown if he wouldn't have tackled me." Well, okay. I mean, we're all trying to stay in the game. Nobody's cheating here. I could've gone to another network. But I thought, Yeah, but then you look like, Oooh, Jay was mad.
This new show is not something that five years ago I would've thought would work. I mean, _CSI Miami, Without a Trace—_these are shows that have a good, older audience that is locked in. And I said to NBC, "Do some research. If this is something you guys think you can make money with, let me know." And they said, "Yeah." Is this show going to blow CSI Miami off the air No. But when everything else is in reruns, we'll be topical. We'll be talking about what's going on right now. And that might help us win, and that might help us be successful.
**Do you think Kimmel could take on Conan if ABC moved him to eleven thirty **
Kimmel's really good. Jimmy has a good Everyman quality that I think people like. Very accessible, easy to talk to. I think he's a real contender, yeah.
So you think he could go headtohead with Conan
Sure. He could. He's got an audience.
**I wanted to take the sweep of your career… **
Whatever. _[Leno tightens his arms across his chest and burrows deeper into his chair.] _I mean, I don't see it as much of a career.
**I've been watching some of your old Letterman appearances. **
That was a great part of my life. Dave and I had a good rapport. There are certain guys—Letterman is one; Seinfeld is another—there's certain words that get them. I always knew what would make Dave laugh. I'd say, "I was out at the old Manson place…" And he'd say, "The old Manson place" And that would start a riff. Letterman's show really got me everything. That's why…this all got so bizarre. You know, I was the regular guest host of The Tonight Show. So when I got the job, it didn't seem that odd to me.
**Where do you think you'd be if you'd never met Letterman **
I don't know. I owe a lot to Dave. When he came out here [to Los Angeles in the '70s, to do standup], we both learned a lot from each other. He took from me some performing aspects. Being loud. Not being afraid to command the stage. And I took from him… Dave was an excellent wordsmith. The way he'd phrase a joke. I always remember him doing a joke about local editorials "We are opposed to the practice of using orphans as yardage markers on golfing ranges." And I always liked the way that flowed. I thought, This guy is very clever.
**Will you ever go back on his show **
I wouldn't rule it out. I was asked to go on the night Conan premieres. I would never do that.
**Dave gets all the credit for being edgy and dark. But I have this theory that you're really the edgy, dark one. **
It's great being underestimated.
**But why does Letterman get credit for being the edgy guy **
I always read about how the young demo goes there. But, not true. We've had the young demo for fourteen years. We always win 18 to 35. But we also win 35 to 60 or whatever it is. They always assume one show is hipper than the other, but it's not really true.
**Sixteen years ago, there weren't all these guys Kimmel, Stewart, Colbert. Now the landscape is fractured and— **
I think what you're talking about is I'm more of a_ populist._ If you work on TV exclusively, you're very protected. Comics always start a joke, "President Bush is an asshole…." And I go, "You know, President Bush [holds up hands as if to calm the imagined booing], not the smartest guy..." And that's the difference. I come from the "Is it cold in here" school rather than "Close the fucking window!"
There are a lot of jokes you tell on TV that wouldn't get you two feet in a club. A joke about the president that kills in N.Y. or L.A., it's a smartass joke in Indianapolis. That's why I'm on the road all the time. You never want to have two feet in Beverly Hills.
**There's a scene in The Late Shift where Jack Welch of GE gives you the edge over Dave for The Tonight Show because of your "loyalty." You're being loyal again to NBC. **
Yeah, it's a gamble.
**Do you worry loyalty this time could be taking you to a not good place **
It's worked fine up until this point. I've never argued about money. Dave makes a lot more than I do. Way more. And I'm number one. But that's okaaaay. How much pie can you eat I'll tell you how I got the guesthosting job. There were other guest hosts. And one of the other guys' managers said, "We've gotten together with all the guest hosts, and we want $25,000 each time one of our clients does it." I said, "No." They said, "How much you asking for" I said $515. They said, "That's crazy." I said, "No, $515 is scale." Well, okay. [claps hands once, then imitates an ec] "Okay, this guy's doing pretty good and making $515.… Hmmm…" It all comes down to economics. The money will come.
**That's so pragmatic��a businessman's mindset. **
I'm a great believer in low selfesteem. Selfesteem is great for actors and criminals. I assume everyone is better than I am and smarter than I am, and if you go into the world with that assumption, you'll do fine. When I first started The Tonight Show, there were three or four people opposite me [Dennis Miller, Arsenio Hall, David Letterman, and Chevy Chase], and I remember I was writing my monologue, and I'm flipping around on the TV for ideas, and I see one of my competitors at a Lakers game, and I go, "Gotcha! This guy will have no monologue tomorrow." And the next day he had opening remarks but he didn't have jokes.
**That feels a lot like your father, an insurance salesman Grind the numbers. Do the work. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. **
Sure. My dad was a great salesman. He was a street kid, not well educated. But he was fair and decent and honest and thought everyone should get a break. I mean, I had a good childhood, as opposed to being abused or with alcoholic parents.
**Would you describe yourself as a moralist **
I try to be. I don't drink, I don't smoke. I've never done drugs. I've been married for twentynine years. I tell people, marry your conscience.
**Why don't you drink or smoke **
I'm not some nut telling other people how to live. It's just that when I was a kid, I was picked on so much for not doing drugs or drinking that it actually made me so angry that I went the other way. I didn't want to succumb to it. And then it just became sort of a point of pride. Because if I started doing it, then I was just like everybody else.
**You've never had a drink **
Well, uh, yeah, in college, a couple, but I've always… You study other men and you find out what makes them weak and then you don't do that.
And who are those men you studied
Well, it's simple. I mean, it's drugs, it's alcohol, it's too much sex, it's too little sex, it's too gay, it's too straight. Whatever. You look at the weaknesses. I always tell people, "If you can stay in show business seven years, you'll stay in it the rest of your life." Most people cannot make it. Something happens. They go berserk. Like Sam Kinison—couldn't be funnier, but the horns actually started to grow into his head. You know, something happens that takes you off the path. You get sick of your act, you hate the audience. If you look at careers that don't make it, it has nothing to do with talent. It has to do with being able to physically get to the stage. Comics I thought were better than me—they all fell by the wayside because of some personal fault.
You knew Kinison well
Well enough. When I saw him come to the Comedy Store with coke and guns, I was like, I'm not working there. I don't want to be here when the cops come. I'm a comedian.
Did you ever talk to Kinison or Andy Kaufman when they were having trouble
Any time you create something bigger than your act, your career is dead. When Kinison's doing a bit on screwing dead people, what do you do tomorrow When you look at Cosby, Newhart, Seinfeld—there's a consistency. It's not crazy to the point where you can't top yourself. Keep the water warm. Because a rolling boil, that's great for about twenty minutes, and then the water's gone.
Did you get any advice from Carson
Johnny came to see me at the Improv, and he said, "You're a good performer, but the jokes are not that strong. You need to tighten the jokes up." He was right. I'd listen to my stuff on tape with a stopwatch and it'd be like, too much space between laughs.
**Did you dumb down your act when you got The Tonight Show **
I didn't. You know, there's things you do when you're young and when you're older. It's what I call the ThirtyNineandaHalf Rule When you are 30 and onstage and you got your leather pants and you say the word "pussy,"girls are like, "Ooooooooh, he said pussy!" When you're 39 and you got the leather pants and the bald spot and you say pussy, they're like, "Eccch, that old guy just said pussy. Let's get out of here!" You need to grow up with your act.*
**What will your legacy be on The Tonight Show **
I have no idea. I'm not a legacy guy. If you could find anything here [looks around the dingy room] that has show business in it, shoot me in the head. Show business is like a hooker Have fun, but don't fall in love. I mean, I enjoy it, but I don't go, Oh, that hooker liked me! You go out, tell your jokes, be grateful. Never explain, never complain. Here's an example We had an intern, and I'm telling a story about Dick Van Dyke. And he says, "Is that like a lesbian joke Dick…dyke" I say, "Dick Van Dyke" He'd never heard the name! So there's your legacy. I don't worry about my legacy. If you get too close to show business, it will swallow you and it will kill you.
Do you have a spiritual life
No.
Are you just saying no because you don't want to go there
No. I like spiritual people. Put it this way I believe in all that I can and would believe it all if I could. I have many friends who are deeply religious, yet Bill Maher is also a good friend. And I see the benefit of both.
**Well, when I think of spiritual, I go back to that idea of a moral center.
I always tell comics, if you have any problems in your life, take care of them before you go onstage. Because it will show up. You want to walk out calm. That's key, and in terms of faith, being moral is important. Be happy that regular people look to you for something amusing before they go to bed. I'm extremely grateful for that. I mean, it's real simple. There's always going to be comics who want to change the world [a__ff__ects selfimportant tone] "I got something to say." That's not your job. If you're a good comic, your humanity will come across.
**What else can you tell me about the new show
We need to have more comedy in the second half hour so we provide a strong leadin to the local news. There is no NBC. It's all affiliates. This is another reason I got The Tonight Show. I personally went out and met the affiliates.… And this was perceived as cheating. That's like saying, "You studied for the test. That's why you got an A."
I heard that you wrote Dave a letter, after he had his openheart surgery.
Mmmhmm.
What was in the letter
Oh, just how funny I thought he was and how I owed him a lot. How important he was to me and all that.
Did he respond
Uh, no.
Really
But that's okay. Where'd you hear that
That's not okay.
Well, it's not okay, but fine. What do you do, you know I don't know if he ever got it.
It's weirdly heartless.
I don't know if he ever got it. He might not ever have gotten it. A middling might've said, "I don't want to show this to Dave. It'll upset him," and thrown it away, so I don't know. Ever talk to Dave
Ah, no.
Dave's a great guy.
Your relationship is a movie.
Well, it was a bad movie. That stupid Late Shift movie.
Do you think you two will ever come around
I hope so!
I'm fascinated by your inability to sit still. Even now you can't quiet your leg. And what's with you always touring You'll tape the show, get on a plane, do a gig, and then fly home that same night. You never stop.
It's sorta how I ercise. If you're doing a ninetyminute show, you're walking five miles. I like to work. It's what I do.
Are you running from something
Possibly. I don't know what it would be. I mean, I'm very happily married. I like to keep moving, I'm not a vacation guy. Send me to Hawaii to build a bridge. But just to go look at a bunch of fat Americans drinking mai tais No. If you're not accomplishing something, you're part of the problem. But…like here [in the garage] I come and I fix things. Something is broken and I fid it. Now let me look for something else broken.
That work ethic is very different from that of most Americans, from your audience.
I consider myself lazy. Plus, I'm a little dyslexic, and that's not good. But like I say, a huge believer in low selfesteem. Best thing ever. I walk in the room and I go, "Okay, I am the dumbest person here; how do I deal with this" I tell other comics that sooner or later, the other guy is gonna wanna eat, sleep, drink, get laid, or go to the bathroom. That's when you make your move. You stand back and let them all kill themselves, then move in and pick up the pieces. Steady on the helm and you get there. Comedy is repetition.
If you were an engine in this garage, what engine would you be
Probably my 1866 steam engine. Steam engines are probably my favorite, because they chug along at the same speed. They don't get too up, they don't get too down.
What do you remember most about your first days in L.A., when you came out here to do standup
I got arrested for vagrancy on Hollywood Boulevard. The same spot, two nights in a row. I had no place to sleep, so I would walk all night. When they gave me my star on Hollywood Boulevard, I told them to put it on the spot where I got arrested.
Do you know any good dirty jokes
Oh, sure. Little Timmy comes home from school, 12 years old. His mom asks him what's wrong; kid says, "I had sex with my math teacher." The mom says, "Wait till your father gets home." The father gets home, and the mother tells him what's happened. The father goes to Timmy's room and says, "You had sex with the math teacher [makes a high five] All right! My little man! [high five] Hey, you know that bicycle you've been wanting I think you're ready for it." They go down to the store. "Bring the best bike you got!" He tells the owner, "You know why he gets this bike He had sex with the teacher. At 12! Can you imagine!" [high five] So next day the father comes home from work, sees the new bike in the garage. Father says to his son, "Hey, why don't you ride your new bike to school" Kid says, "My ass is still sore."
[laughs] Terrible, terrible. You can't really tell that joke.
How old were you when you lost your virginity
No idea. I don't even remember who it was.
I want to ask about your mother and how she was given away as a child.
Well, my grandmother ran off with some guy. And my grandfather could not take care of six kids. So he went doortodoor with my mother, trying to give her a home. And my mother would spend a week or two and people would go, "Oh, no thanks." Finally, they sent her to America [from Scotland] to live with her sister, who was ten years older.
Do you wish you'd had kids That you'd become a father
I don't miss it. It's not a big deal. I enjoy kids. I like other people's kids.
Has it allowed you to focus on your career
Probably, because time towards something else has now been directed… But that would probably be my cars and motorcycles. That takes a lot of time.
Did you have any rebellion in your childhood
I guess I acted out. I had the occasional car accident. But in terms of any shooting sprees or things of that nature, no. I mean, my folks were pretty good. I spoke to my parents every single day of my life. You know, I'm sure I was sort of an accident. My mother was 40 when I was born. I always remember right before she died, she said, "I'm so glad you came along. I don't know what we would have done." I was able to take care of relatives and things, because I was making good money. And I always remember that because I thought I was a surprise.
What are you going to do with all your money when you die
I have some foundations and charity things. And I have a foundation for kids who want to be machinists and things like that.
Who is your best friend
In show business or bestfriend best friend
Real life.
Lewis. We've been friends since high school.
**Then are there showbiz best friends **
I think Seinfeld fits in there. I just don't do showbusiness things. One time I said to myself, If you're hosting The Tonight Show, you need to spend more time with showbusiness people rather than working on cars. So I call up a friend, he's an actor. I go, "You want to hang out Come by the house, we'll get lunch." So this guy comes over and he says, "Hey, what do you think of my hair" I say, "Your hair It looks fine." "But you think it needs—" He mentions some product. I said, "What does it do" "It makes it fuller.…" And the whole afternoon was this. It was unbelievable—we talked about hair care. And I never did it again. This is my biggest nightmare, having a showbusiness afternoon.
Do you have any regrets
Oh yeah; oh, I got a lot of regrets.
Tell me.
That whole thing with Johnny was…bad. This is why Jerry Seinfeld was a great friend. When Jerry's show first came on the air, he wanted to do a segment on The Tonight Show, and my manager said, "No." So I told Jerry we couldn't do it, and I think he was pretty heartbroken. I always regretted it. I should've gone to the wall. But Jerry was a good friend, and later I told Jerry, "Whatever you want from me, ever." And that still goes to this day.
And were you close to your brother He died a few years ago.
Not really. I loved my brother. We were ten years apart. Couldn't have been more different. My brother got an award as one of the top ten students in the country, was in the army. But he was a worrier. I think that's what killed him. He got testicular cancer, and his marriage wasn't going well, and he was worried about that—everything was a problem. Everything was just a huge deal. He was a lawyer; then he went to work for the insurance company with my dad. He was not a salesman type. He was like my mom—the Scottish side. The bad teeth, the worrying. The Italian side had the good teeth, the bravado. He didn't get any of that. Plus, my mother was always embarrassed that the younger brother was doing better than the older brother. Because I was always the bad student. Whereas my brother—straight A's, Yale, but he just couldn't cope.
When I was a kid, my brother was a fantastic modelmaker. At the time, we had the model slot cars. My brother got a big piece of wood, got a router, makes a whole track. So I had this roadrace set with no connectors in it! Amazing piece of work. So when I made it [in show business], I bought him a sports car and a house, but it was just sort of an odd… When I got to be successful, I think he just started to feel uncomfortable. I mean, I think he was proud of me and got a kick out of it, but I think it was weird for him in some ways.
Was it hard for you to be around him Did that make you feel selfconscious of your success
Eh, a little bit. He was not a real talker. When he had cancer, [I'd say] "Anything you want to talk about" "No, no, I'm all right." "Look, I'll take care of Richard [Leno's nephew], I'll take care of your exwives and everybody." "Okay, good, good." I mean, I learned more about my brother at the funeral from other people telling stories.
The thing I think I keep hearing here is that you're a man who apparently has no demons.
No, I don't. But I work hard at that. Even if it's not my fault, I usually wind up apologizing, just to clear the slate and move on. You make your own demons.
Some people, it takes them years with analysis or something to get to that point. I mean, that's pretty rare wisdom for…
As a comic, you walk out there wideopen, and you're going to get hit. So be prepared to get hit. In fourth grade, a kid used to tease me about having a hard head. The kid whacked me with a hammer, and it hurt so incredibly bad, but I felt the need to go, "Ha ha ha, see I'm fine." I was crying, my head was split open. But I felt the need to keep this thing going.… Needless to say, I eventually said, "You know, my head does really hurt." But at the time, rather than get mad at the guy, I felt, well, I brought it on myself.
Any time I've ever done anything mean or spiteful, it's always come back to bite me on the ass. One day I'm in traffic, and a guy cuts me off. At the next light, I put the window down and I go, "Let me guess, you're midforties, you're divorced, your kids hate you, you're bald, your job sucks, you're a piece of shit." And the guy started to cry. And I went, "Look, pull over." Now I'm in his car, "I'm sorry," and the guy goes [imitates a crying voice], "No, you hit it right on the head." And I realize, I'm a comedian. I shouldn't use this for evil. And we became friends. But any time you try to be spiteful… If someone throws the first punch, I try, well, why did they do this If they're really nasty, do what you have to do. But for the most part…
The hammer story is revealing. You take your lumps with a smile and hide the pain.
Yeah, that's what it is. When I started, I used to sleep in the alley behind the Improv in New York City because I didn't have any place to live, and I'd go, "Is this what my life is now I'm sleeping where hookers are blowing guys" Showbiz is not that romantic.
[At this point, I pull an iPhone out. On it I have video from March 1984.]
Can I show you something I went back to the archives.
[Leno takes my iPhone and cradles it in his large, beatup hands. He has chipped, cracked nails. He peers into the dark screen. For a moment, I think this might not be a good idea. Then the clip begins A blackhaired Leno is sitting next to a very thin Letterman, on the set of Late Night. Moments into the clip, while the crowd is still applauding, Leno, talking to my iPhone, talking softly to himself, says, "I still remember this one.…" He grins. He brings the iPhone closer.]
Dave Whaddya got there, Jay
Jay Ooh, this week's copy of TV Guide! You know what the guy at the newsstand said You know this is the biggest magazine in America I mean, there are people that consider this reading. "Are you coming to bed, dear" "In a couple hours, honey, I just want to see who's on CrossWits all week."
[Letterman gu__ff__aws.]
Jay Have you seen their new slogan "You need TV Guide because TV's getting more complicated every day."
[Letterman and the crowd laugh.]
Jay Boy, you know there are people staying up nights saying, "Geez, we'd like to watch The ATeam, we just don't have the educational background necessary to really enjoy the program."
[Letterman and the crowd laugh. Leno is watching the clip intently now, and he mouths each punch line along with his younger self, smiling at the line, nodding here and there.]
Jay Are you a fan of The ATeam, David
Dave I've only seen it a couple of times, but gosh, I really enjoyed it both times.
Jay With those surprise endings where the bully gets beat up Who would've expected that See, I like this show because the violence is so real. What was it Last week [George] Peppard got shot in the head by a bazooka. "You okay" "Yeah, I'll be all right. Lucky for me it was just a twelvepound shell. I'll dig it out with my penknife."
[Letterman and the audience laugh.]
Jay Ooh, here's my mom's favorite—four o'clock, channel 2, Barnaby Jones! That's pretty realistic, huh About an 89yearold guy who goes around beating up the Hells Angels. See, you can always tell who the bad guys are on Barnaby Jones. The bad guys are anybody that will call Barnaby "Pops."
[And so it goes, until Dave has to cut to a commercial. The screen goes dark. Jay lifts his palm toward me, the iPhone resting in it, and says, "Do you want this"]
How do you feel about all that stuff
It's fine.
When you see Dave and you look at those clips, do you—
Look back on it fondly
Yeah.
Yes. One of the funniest guys ever. I like him tremendously. I think we had a natural bond. That is my greatest regret, that The Tonight Show came between us. And that's why I think this new show is starting clear and free. When I was given The Tonight Show, I can honestly say, I didn't know Dave wanted it. There had been no, Hey, Dave's looking… It wasn't until after I got it that all of this started and I said to myself, "Well, maybe he should have it, he's been following," but the network didn't want to do it. I said, "Okay." Did I fight that hard No. Obviously, I wanted the show. But it wasn't like during the process there was this thing going back and forth. I think Dave just assumed that it would happen, and when they asked me if I would want it, I said, "Sure, I'd love it, yeah." Then I did do Dave once or twice after that, but I think it was so gutwrenching for him because he was good friends with Johnny, and Johnny was not in on the process, and yeah, it was a real ugly time. So that was a huge regret.
How would you describe your relationship Lennon and McCartney AliFrazier
Leno and Letterman. We weren't collaborators. But I think we helped one another.
Do you look at any of the old stuff ever
No.
You don't have a highlight reel
No. It just seems so…"Honey, I'm going to watch me for a while." Two days ago, for the first time, I did a search for my name on YouTube, and there were like fifty, sixty pages. Old Doritos commercials and stuff. That seemed a little weird.
But are there moments from your career that are in your own mental highlight reel
I can't think of what they are. You know, you just try to move forward, because the trouble with show business is the moments that are disappointing are so disappointing. I remember they had auditions for the new Jack Paar show. I went down to New York, and I was wearing a suit that I'd had since high school. And the producer said, "Is that what you'd wear if you had the show" and I said, "Oh yeah, it's my best suit." I remember going into the alley and crying. The rejection when you're first starting, it's just awful. I remember being in an agent's office and seeing my picture in the trash. I said, "So you got my picture" "Yeah, we got it on file." Gutwrenching. That's why I always try to treat comics pretty nice.
There are so many jobs that are devastatingly awful. Designed to kill your spirit. This is why I always try to keep show business at a distance, because it will kill you. Your thing will never be the best, it will never be good enough, so enjoy, observe from afar, keep the friends you had. I'm still married to the same woman. I'm still driving the same car.
Michael Hainey _is _GQ's deputy editor.