Dear Life Kit: My parents ran a background check on my partner. How can I trust them?
Dear Life Kit: My parents ran a background check on my partner. How can I trust them?
Need some really good advice? Look no further than Dear Life Kit. In each episode, we pose one of your most pressing questions to an expert. This question was answered by Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and the author of the bestselling book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace. This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit,
My parents ran a background check on my partner without my permission. They discovered information that my partner had already disclosed to me, then they shared it with my immediate family and it eventually seeped out to my extended family. I feel completely violated and have lost trust in them. I've tried to rebuild a relationship with my folks, but I have so much resentment. Where do I go from here?
— Trust bust
Nedra Glover Tawwab is a licensed therapist and the author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace. Photograph by Denise Benson/ Collage by NPR hide caption
It's such a violation. The parents could have addressed their concerns [about who their daughter is dating] without running a background check. It would have been better if they asked her, "What's going on with this person?"
It's important to allow your children to create the life they want. Sometimes they will make mistakes. Sometimes they will date people who aren't the best for them. They will have to figure it out, just like you figured it out, through practice and error.
The parents have to start to reestablish trust. They have to reach out and make time to spend together. They should say: "Would you and your partner like to go to dinner?" or "Would you like to come over to the house?" They have to invest time to rebuild the relationship. And that may take some time.
In turn, the daughter should allow her parents to demonstrate they can do something differently. If she never allows them the opportunity to show up for her again, she'll never know if they can be trustworthy. So it does take some vulnerability on her part, and it certainly takes her saying, "this relationship is important enough for me to give it another chance."
Listen to Nedra Glover Tawwab's full response in the audio at the top of the page or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Have a question for Dear Life Kit? Share it anonymously here.
Dear Life Kit is hosted by Andee Tagle and produced by Beck Harlan, Vanessa Handy and Sylvie Douglis. Bronson Arcuri is the managing producer and Meghan Keane is the supervising editor. Alicia Zheng produces the Dear Life Kit video series for Instagram.
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