Dear Life Kit: My brother-in-law is incarcerated. When should I tell my kids?
Dear Life Kit: My brother-in-law is incarcerated. When should I tell my kids?
Need some really good advice? Look no further than Dear Life Kit. In each episode, we pose one of your most pressing questions to an expert. This question was answered by Jeanette Betancourt, an early childhood learning expert and senior vice president of U.S. social impact for Sesame Workshop. This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.
Dear Life Kit,
Four years ago, my brother-in-law was convicted of murder and is serving a life sentence. We haven't shared any of these details with our kids, ages 7 and 9. They have regular video visits with my brother-in-law but are completely unaware that he is in prison. My son keeps asking why his beloved uncle hasn't come home yet.
When should we tell our children where he is and what he did? I feel as though they're still too young to learn everything. But I don't want to lie to them either. What should I do? — Troubled parent
Jeanette Betancourt is an early childhood learning expert and senior vice president of U.S. social impact for Sesame Workshop. Julian Wass/Sesame Workshop hide caption
They're not too young to understand, and they're showing they're ready for more clarity. For example, they're asking questions about where their uncle is. By not being clear, you're causing confusion. At this point, they are experiencing a lot of wonder, which can turn into concern because they feel something's wrong.
7 to 9-year-olds are at the stage where you can have a conversation with them. Try putting it very simply: Grownups have rules. Incarceration is when a grown-up has broken those rules. The consequences of breaking those rules mean being in prison.
Once you explain that, the next stage is planning for communication. Research indicates that approved and coordinated contact with an incarcerated relative is very helpful for children. It settles anxiety for children.
Focus less on their uncle's imprisonment and more on how to stay connected. Ask your kids what they want to share, anything from drawings or what's happening in school. But also, remember that kids might not understand why suddenly they can't talk to their uncle all the time.
You'll also have to explain that there are specific periods when an incarcerated person can communicate and that those periods are limited. Those times are special.
It's important not to speak adversely about the incarcerated individual. It doesn't help the adults, and it certainly doesn't help the children. You and your partner and in-laws should all agree that the video visits are a positive experience for your children, so don't take out anger or have adult conversations during your interactions with your brother-in-law in front of your children.
If all the involved adults agree upon this approach, you are protecting your child by giving them information and a connection, and you are doing it in a safe and continuous way.
Listen to Jeanette Betancourt's full response in the audio at the top of the page or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
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Dear Life Kit is hosted by Andee Tagle and produced by Beck Harlan and Sylvie Douglis. Bronson Arcuri is the managing producer, and Meghan Keane is the supervising editor. Alicia Zheng and Kaz Fantone produce the Dear Life Kit video series for Instagram.
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