this is what they will not tell you
and this is what you must know
if you hear nothing else i say
hear this
you cannot live in fear
you cannot heal in fear
fear will never make you stronger

fear is the language many doctors speak
they’ll say this is going to kill you
your organs are being bathed in acid
amputation dialysis coma death

and when the body does not obey
as the doctor demands
more pills
more insulin
more syringes
more often

and it will wear on you
the constant battle of
necessity versus necessity

a box of syringes
vs
gas money

the price of sufficient insulin
against
the cost of groceries

testing strips and lancets
vs
the light bill

the cost of one healthy meal
vs
the cost of three fast food meals

another co-pay
and another co-pay
vs
the cost of not seeing the doctor

they will say there are no choices
but there are always choices
though the choices
we make out of fear
are not choices

fear is a prison
fear is worse
than the disease
fear
takes
everything

some will say this is war
war raging within us
blood turned against itself
our bodies falling in battle
the enemy everywhere
within and without

but the word war
turns us against ourselves
and the word disease
renders us victims
and the war is unending
and a war always claims
casualties

in a war
there is no room
for dreaming oneself well
and the first part of the dream
is learning to listen
to your body and to your blood

it is not as simple
as
eat this not that eat that not this
take this not that take that not this
do this not that do that not this

you learn to listen
until you are the one writing the song
and the daily challenges
are the discordant notes
you must work into the score
making something more beautiful
than what there was before
not planned not wanted
but more powerful
because it is truth

but the music
will not come
if you are afraid
music like most things in life
enters in only one of two ways
el amor o el dolor
through love or through pain

i know
no one said
we were worthy of love
no one said
we were precious
or that our lives were gifts
no one said
let us learn to love ourselves
heal ourselves
care for ourselves
care for each other
teach each other
how to begin
with this essential task
of
loving ourselves

i will begin here
with these words
learning love
one utterance at a time

i will not
live
in fear

i will make song