What SEC football coaches won't say at media days (but might be thinking) | Toppmeyer

Talkin’ season in the SEC morphed into snoozin’ season.

The SEC oozes coaching intellect, but most of them bore me at the mic. These guys may know X’s and O’s, but their understanding of press-man coverage won’t keep me awake when they take the stage at SEC Media Days, which begins Monday in Dallas.

I’ll miss the entertaining orators of yesteryear.

There’s no quipster on Steve Spurrier’s level.

Nick Saban won’t be there to lecture us.

No Les Miles to bemoan Austin, Texas, as a “horrible” vacation destination. (Miles desired a beach.)

Where’s Robbie Caldwell when we need him to describe his past duties as a farm’s turkey inseminator? (Yes, the former Vanderbilt coach really did that.)

Ah, those were glory days of gab.

Here’s what coaches might be thinking next week – but definitely won’t say:

Steve Sarkisian (Texas)

Enjoy the pressure of replacing Nick Saban, Kalen DeBoer. I’m just dandy at Texas. Also, we’ve got better barbecue.

Brent Venables (Oklahoma)

If only we’d stayed in the Big 12, I might have a playoff team rather than a Liberty Bowl team.

Josh Heupel (Tennessee)

Upon review, Nico Iamaleava should’ve been our starting quarterback for most of last season.

Clark Lea (Vanderbilt)

Despite what I said previously, Vanderbilt is the worst program in the SEC, not the best in the nation.

Shane Beamer (South Carolina)

When we beat Vanderbilt, we’ll celebrate like we just won the Super Bowl. Try to stop me. Try. At South Carolina, every win is a big win.

Jeff Lebby (Mississippi State)

Did the conference really have to give me this brutal schedule in Year 1? Where are Vanderbilt and South Carolina when we need them?

Hugh Freeze (Auburn)

No matter how it goes this season, just remember: At least I’m not Bryan Harsin.

Mike Elko (Texas A&M)

No matter how it goes this season, just remember: At least I’m not Jimbo Fisher.

Kirby Smart (Georgia)

Would somebody, anybody, pick us to finish 7-5 so I can use it to motivate my team? Anyone. Some podcaster working from their mom’s basement would suffice. No one? OK, fine. I’ll make it up.

Sam Pittman (Arkansas)

What do I think of being on the hot seat? I’ll tell you what I think: I think the cold beer will taste pretty dang good at the lake while they pay me to not work.

Billy Napier (Florida)

Who the heck made our schedule this season? Were they trying to get me fired?

Eliah Drinkwitz (Missouri)

I’m one more 11-win season away from getting a call from Florida. Sing it, Swifties: Florida!!! Hey, goofy Dan Mullen, how do you like me now?

Lane Kiffin (Ole Miss)

I’d rather be on my boat fishing the seas than talking to you. Florida!!! But, I digress. I know my role, so, yes, I’ll say something sarcastic and pithy. You ready for it?

Brian Kelly (LSU)

If you don’t think we’re progressing toward a national championship quickly enough, I’ve got two words for you: Guaranteed contract.

Mark Stoops (Kentucky)

Anyone heard from John Calipari lately? So much for Kentucky being "a basketball school." He can’t even beat Oakland. They pay me $9 million a year to beat Louisville. Football school!

Kalen DeBoer (Alabama)

Would you guys kindly please stop asking me questions about Nick Saban?

Blake Toppmeyer is the USA TODAY Network's SEC Columnist. Email him at BToppmeyer@gannett.com and follow him on Twitter @btoppmeyer.

Also, check out his podcast, SEC Football Unfiltered, and newsletter, SEC Football Unfiltered. Subscribe to read all of his columns.