For the longest time, I’ve had an irrational fear of answering the telephone. Whenever I would hear it ring, a lump formed in my throat and my immediate response would be to freeze. I know it seems dramatic, but this was never something I could control. After years of working through it, I’m much better at reacting when I hear that familiar buzz, but it was never just the phone. All social situations freaked me out on a very deep and personal level, and I constantly asked myself why I felt this way and if anyone else ever felt the way I did.
My whole life, I had been troubled by the fact that people seemed to think of me as something of an “outcast,” but I could never put a name to why. I knew what I was feeling, but I guess I had always assumed it was just me “being weird” — until eighth grade, when the Internet helped me find the answer.
That year, specifically, was rough for my mental health; my brain was in constant turmoil, and I know now I was having a terrible battle with depression. When dealing with my bleak reality seemed “too much,” I took refuge on the Internet, where I came across a Tumblr post with a list of at least 20 or so different conditions, as well as myriad ways to help combat their negative effects. I scrolled down the list hoping to find a remedy for the emptiness I felt, when something caught my eye.
I had seen the word many times in my life, but never quite in a context that truly applied to me — until then. I know we’ve all felt anxious at times — at the dentist’s office, right before getting a test back, making sure to wake up on time....But this was different. Things kind of made sense for once. Maybe I wasn’t as weird as I thought.
According to the American Psychological Association, “Anxiety is an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure. People with anxiety disorders usually have recurring intrusive thoughts or concerns. They may avoid certain situations out of worry. They may also have physical symptoms such as sweating, trembling, dizziness or a rapid heartbeat.”.
Many things started to make sense after I rediscovered this word. As a young child, when I got nervous in social situations, I had a habit of acting out. (I remember I once bit a kid because I got so overwhelmed.) I also had a habit of snapping when I got nervous; finding out that this wasn’t weird — that there was a reason why I might feel this way — felt relieving.
When I knew what I was feeling was a real thing that was manageable, I felt great because, Hey! Now I can make myself feel better. In another sense, my discovery was suffocating; I felt like I couldn’t play off my toxic feelings as something I couldn’t fix, like I would have to work even harder to become a healthy person, given that my anxiety had a name and wasn’t just a personality trait.
Another thing that troubled me was that I wasn’t sure I’d feel like myself without anxiety. It had become so ingrained in my life for so long, I considered it a core part of my personality. I became afraid that without it I might not be myself.
So I stayed quiet. I decided it was better not to talk about my problems, to keep them internalized. My mentality eventually adapted to thinking these feelings don’t exist if I don’t think about them.
Eventually, I came to the point where I couldn’t sustain these thoughts. I felt about ready to explode as my problems kept stacking up. A new problem then arose: How do I even get help?
Many things made me uncomfortable, but none more so than opening up to people. It is so much easier to say “I’m alright! Everything’s fine!”
Unsure of what to do, I fled to the anonymity of the Internet once more. Part of the beauty of the Web is that, unless you openly talk about it, no one has a clue who you are. Your identity, if you choose, can be reflected only by your words.
Here I could get some of the help I needed. I still deal with anxiety daily, but I think this was a kind of turning point. By trying to learn more about my feelings and talking with other people who also feel this way, I was taking steps in the right direction. The Internet isn’t the only place to get help, though.
The thought of therapy intimidated me, and it still does to some extent. I’ve never gone to it, but it’s something I would recommend to those seeking help. I know a plethora of people who have been helped by therapy! In my experience, I’ve managed to give my parents some insight on my anxiety, and they do their best to help. Where I’ve truly found the most help though, is by confiding in other people who share my condition, and just being open and honest about it. It’s tough to talk about these things, but I think just finding a safe environment for myself and others to be open about anxiety is the best thing we can do.
My panic attacks still happen frequently. I still shake whenever I have to talk to people, and the phone still gives me butterflies in my stomach. But I’m OK with that. I think the path to getting better and slowly breaking free of these feelings starts with accepting them. It’s not something I can fix just by clicking my heels, and I’ve had to come to terms with that.
Despite how much anxiety sucks, it’s something that I’m glad I’m not alone in experiencing. My closest friends deal with the same problems as me and I think it’s brought us closer together, and it’s nice to vocalize my fears. For now though, talking about the problem is about as much as I can do. My hope for the future is that one day I’ll work past this, but if I never do, that’s alright, too. I just have to be patient with myself.
If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety, talking with a therapist can help. Organizations like Talkspace and other online resources can help you find a licensed professional in your area.
Elsie Fisher is an actor. Her new movie, Eighth Grade, is in select theaters now.
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