Western wear has never been a style defined by nuance and subtlety. It may have been derived from necessity, but in the intervening years—from gilded boots custom-made by a master craftsman to decked-out hats donned by Dripping Springs bachelorettes—even its most authentic forms have acquired an air of ostentation. Consider the details of the genre: dyed leather, fringe, dyed leather, Nudie suit–type embroidery, rhinestones, tassels. No matter how much we love Western wear, it has the general aura of costume, even on the most genuine cowboy or -girl. The style’s centerpiece, the cowboy boot, is no exception to this rule. Even heritage brands often incorporate dyed leather, exaggerated toe shapes, and any number of exotic animals’ skins into their wares. 

As Western wear has increasingly entered the mainstream in recent years, disparate brands and celebrities have kept jumping aboard the chuck wagon. Rodeo wear jumped the shark when Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk went “all hat.” It peaked when Beyoncé released her country album. And it let out a peal of pain when Cirque du Soleil announced it was “goin’ Country” with a Western-themed aerial performance set to twangy tunes. Soon, we pray, the style will begin its long, painful decline in trendiness. But rest assured, Western wear will be resurrected again in twenty years, by twentysomethings who weren’t alive to know the shame of Croc cowboy boots.

The following weird Western boots, created by popular shoe retailers such as Converse, Dr. Martens, and Melissa, typify the silliness that ensues when designers for the masses attempt to tackle country culture. As you can see below, sometimes it works, and sometimes it very much doesn’t. 

Most Likely to Cause Blisters: Melissa Texas Boot

How to wear ’em: Maybe don’t? 

Readers younger than my 31 years of age, listen to me: my peers and I have already surveyed this frontier. We have worn the jelly shoes and found them lacking. Learn from us, and skip these plastic foot saunas. 

As with so many clothing trends resurrected in the current Y2K revival (low-waisted pants, maximalist layering), these shoes may look like a good idea at first glance, but they fall apart upon closer interrogation and—should you get that far—execution. Can you imagine, for example, wearing these plastic, heat-trapping boots on a 100-degree Texas summer day? Can you envision the steam set a-steamin’ within your own personal weather ecosystem? Can you feel the blisters you’ll develop on your heels and toes?

The jelly material is scented with “top notes of bubblegum” and “base notes of summer-sweet tutti-frutti,” which is a thoughtful detail that only serves to make me imagine how these boots might smell after just a few wears.  

Most Functionally Ugly Cute: Crocs Cowboy Boots

How to wear ’em: With denim cutoffs and a mullet.

The Crocs brand actually has some street cred among rural denizens for its shoes’ functionality and ease of use: the durable plastic clogs are easy to slip on to go feed animals or tend to yard work. And, of course, the shoes typify the kind of ugly-cute, meme-ified fashion made popular in the era of internet consumption.

Texans are proven fans of the brand; the state ranks third on a list of regions where Crocs are popular. Perhaps the company took that into account when it launched the Crocs Classic Cowboy Boot (with rubbery spurs!) last October. 

Whatever the thinking, the strategy was apt: the shoe remains sold out on Crocs’ official website, though you can still find pairs for around $200 at other online retailers. (Each pair originally sold for $120.)

Most Likely to Induct You Into a Cult: Dr. Martens Gryphon Gothic Americana Leather Platform Sandals

How to wear ’em: With a prairie skirt and a pedicure.

Though these do have a certain unwashed, horse-smelling hippie appeal, it’s hard for me to imagine them on any ranch save Manson’s own Spahn Ranch circa 1969. Still, the Western buckles are cute, and the flat-footed, platform sandal vibe could do well in certain crunchier parts of the state (the Whole Foods in downtown Austin, perhaps?).

Most Y’allternative: Dr. Martens Jadon Hi Gothic Americana Boots

How to wear ’em: All-black everything.

Even cowgirls get the blues and want to goth out with all-black accessories. For those who do feel a certain emotional type of way—or who are just embracing the “y’allternative” strain of country and western—these Dr. Martens, available in the classic lace-up style with embroidered Western details, will at least not make you more sad. I mean, check out the adorable mini bolo tie on the side of each boot. 

Most Urban Cowboy: Converse Chuck 70 De Luxe Heel Platform Western

How to wear ’em: With a “Cowboy” trucker hat.

Converse recently released a line of “Western” style sneakers that feature subtle graphic stitching of the kind found on vintage country suits or pearl-snap shirts.

Haters may hate, but these Chuck Taylors approach the country trend the appropriate way: by adding a touch of Western flair but retaining the producer’s longtime brand identity. This pair of shoes slots nicely into an urbanized cowboy vein of Western wear that takes the attitude and essence of the rural lifestyle and transmutes it into a more approachable, stylish item. Texas-based Sendero Provisions Co.’s popular “cowboy hat” is a fine example of this trend. 

You can also ditch the heel of this particular Converse with this metallic iteration of the shoe, which would pair nicely with country-styled leather or suede.

Most Likely to Inspire Questioning: Tony Lama Boot-Sneaker Hybrid

How to wear ’em: I’d love to know. 

I’m going to need a three-part Netflix docuseries on how these boot cum sneakers, made by famed, 113-year-old traditional bootmaker Tony Lama, came to be. Whose idea were these boots? Who are they for? Why were they discontinued? And are people really buying them on the secondhand market?

This line of inquiry spawns every time I see a pair of these on my local Facebook Marketplace, or on eBay, where they are often listed for around $400 to $450 and are available in a range of confounding colors. The listings often allege the shoes to be “rare” and “vintage,” but how rare and how vintage? Might Tony Lama bring them back? I think the timing is right.

Most Cozy: Superlamb Men’s All Suede Western Boots

How to wear ’em: As slippers, in the comfort of your own home. Or just wear the Ariat version.

Cowboys need creature comforts too. After a long day of mucking and riding in their cowboy boot crocs, they deserve to slip into warm, fuzzy, Ugg-like footwear, all while retaining their Western sensibilities. We begrudge no one their right to a little relaxation, even if they find it in the soles of these silly little boots covered in real suede.

By the way, I don’t hate this chartreuse version of the Ugg-boot by Ariat. Ten out of ten would wear with sweats to the grocery store.