Hi, Emily,
It’s been years and I’ve still not met my boyfriend’s friends. Well, I’ve met what he considers “his close mates,” but we both joined a Meetup group during lockdown and in the beginning it was all “I can’t wait to show you off to my friends! I’m bringing you along to the next event!” Fast-forward three years and I’ve still not met them. When I’ve asked what’s stopping him from introducing me, he makes up every excuse. He’s met all my family and friends. I’d hate to argue about something that should feel like a natural step. It was only last year that I finally met his parents (who live a good five hours away, though that’s no excuse after two years, is it?), who are lovely. Recently, I also found out he talks to his ex (who cheated on him twice) about me. Should I have a time limit on meeting important people in my partner’s life or just accept that this is how much he wants to share with me?
Thanks,
Incredibly Stupidly in Love
Dear Incredibly Stupidly in Love,
Recently, I was hanging out with a friend who is single and dating very intensively On The Apps. She had been hanging out with a guy she liked a lot, but he would repeatedly refuse to make future plans. Even when she texted him, “I’m free on Saturday and Wednesday of next week,” his next text would be about something unrelated, drawing her into a conversation about whatever else instead of responding to her directly. After she gave him one last chance to lock down a date and he demurred again, she broke things off. He said bummer and changed the subject to basketball, confirming for her that she had made the right decision. Finding out why this guy refused to commit to something as simple as Wednesday wasn’t as important as just knowing herself well enough to know she wasn’t willing to put up with it.
What your boyfriend is doing is kind of like this. He misdirects you with excuses instead of responding to what you’re actually asking for. While some amount of mystery in a relationship is a good thing, and there’s no rule that says we have to share all parts of our lives with each other, not having met your boyfriend’s friends three years into a relationship is what we in the advice-column business are forced to call a Red Flag. It’s not just that you haven’t met them; it’s that he makes up excuses about it — essentially, he’s lying to you. Add to that the delay in meeting his parents and the stuff about still talking to his ex, and it’s clear you’re not operating on an even playing field. My most generous reading of your letter is that you two aren’t communicating clearly, or really at all. You want him to be more open with you about all the different groups of people who are important in his life, but instead of saying that to him, you’re just asking to meet this specific group of friends (whom he clearly doesn’t want you to meet). By making excuses, he’s passively letting you know that he wants to wall off certain parts of his life from your relationship. It doesn’t sound like you guys really talk. “I’d hate to argue” makes me think you’re conflict-averse by nature, but you need to be willing to discuss — and argue for — what’s important to you. And if he’s not willing to give you what you need to feel secure with him, it’s up to you to decide whether you still want to be with him.
Of course, my ungenerous and suspicious reading of your letter is that he’s putting you off because there’s something he doesn’t want you to know, either about his relationship with someone in the group of friends he won’t let you meet or something else entirely. Or maybe the friends don’t exist! There are any number of possibilities, but we’re not getting to the bottom of the mystery any time soon based on how generally evasive this guy has proved himself capable of being. You may never know why he doesn’t want you to meet his friends. But why he’s behaving this way isn’t actually the important question. Instead, you should be asking yourself why you’re willing to accept being treated this way. Be kind to yourself as you stare bravely at the answer to that question because it’s likely to be something you’d rather not confront. You say you’re incredibly stupidly in love, but maybe it’s time to examine what love means to you and why you’re not treating yourself with as much care as you extend to the dude you’re stupidly in love with.
