However tough we think we have it as adults, it’s hard to compare with the sheer turbulence of teenage life. In just a few short years teens have to cope with exam pressure and peer pressure, juggle homework and seek their own identity — all while at the mercy of hormonal and emotional upheaval.
It has never been easy, but today’s teenagers face an additional complication that previous generations never had: growing up in the full glare of social media. They may be digital natives with access to information and entertainment (and homework answers) their parents never dreamt of, but that always-on world of smartphones and selfies, hashtags and Snapchats is taking its toll.
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“It’s making teenagers more anxious, more self-obsessed and far less able to focus on one thing for a sustained period,” says Zac Moxon, head of music at Chiswick School and recipient of the gold award for outstanding new teacher of the year at the 2023 Pearson National Teaching awards “It’s not just driving thousands of teenagers to burn out, it’s pushing their teachers in the same direction in dealing with its consequences,” he says.
As a parent, what can you do to keep your teenager happy, healthy and safe online and in the real world, and set them on the right path to adult life? We’ve put together an expert panel and asked them for their advice. The bravest move of all? Weaning your teen off social media. If you’re ready to try some seriously tough love, see Moxon’s tips below/in the panel.
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Our expert panel
• Sir Anthony Seldon, educator, author and headmaster of Epsom College
• Zac Moxon, head of music at Chiswick School and recipient of the gold award for outstanding new teacher of the year at the 2023 Pearson National Teaching awards
• Justine Roberts, founder and CEO of Mumsnet
• Niki Cooper, clinical director at Place2Be, a children’s and young people’s mental health charity
• Mike Nicholson, former English teacher and founder of the Progressive Masculinity programme
• Dr Kirren Schnack, TikTok influencer (@drkirren) and author of Ten Times Calmer: Beat Anxiety and Change Your Life
Understand where they’re coming from
1. “The biggest concerns parents have is the happiness of their children, the safety of their children, and then the success of their children — those cover most things. For kids, I think they are worried first about their friends, then their appearance, including on social media, and then their school.” AS
2. “Remember the positive sides of the teenage years. Yes, the downside is massive moodiness and storms, the upside is the incredible passion, this seeking out of reward and thrills — it’s like being on fire. As a parent, if you can hold this in mind and stay calm yourself, it will be much easier to deal with things.” NC
3. “Biological and hormonal changes associated with puberty can affect mood, behaviour and emotional regulation. The continuing development of the adolescent brain, especially in areas related to impulse control, emotional regulation and decision-making, makes teenagers more vulnerable to mental health challenges.” KS
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4. “You can get 14 9s at GCSE and five A*s at A-level, but you don’t know who you are. Good parenting is about helping your children to become independent, to take their own decisions, to be free. Even if they’re going to make mistakes, let them choose what they want to. In that way they will always build their confidence.” AS
5. “How do you reason with teenagers? Well, if you’re having an argument and you’re trying to get them to agree to your side, it’s not helpful to think of it as winning or losing. If you don’t want your child to grow up into one of those people who always have to be right, show that you can be wrong.” NC
Involve them in family life
6. “Make the most of family moments with the children — of birthdays, their special events, precious times playing games, going on trips, for walks, playing games in the car and being silly with them. When holidaying with mum and dad became deeply uncool, we’d have mystery holidays: Tunisia, Carthage, Dubrovnik. Children love to belong, to be part of something bigger than themselves.” AS
7. “Talk a lot. Inquire about their day, every single day. Can they tell you three things about it? Be open and embrace your children’s individuality. KS
8. “Walking is a fantastic way to get to know your child. When you’re all getting puffed out the defences come down.” AS
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Help to set winning routines
9. “Schoolwork should be done little and often. Brains are wonderfully good at doing a lot of learning subconsciously. Regular revisiting of content, however brief, prods our minds to keep working on ideas even while we’re doing something else. So if your teenager is preparing a monologue for drama GCSE, go through it with them for five minutes every day over the dinner table. Split maths revision into daily 20-minute chunks.” ZM
10. “Help them to develop skills like time management, future planning, basic household tasks such as cleaning and cooking, and other life skills.” KS
11. “Don’t abandon extracurricular activities for exams. Teenagers need something outside of the curriculum that inspires and motivates them. Sport and exercise are also key for overall wellbeing. This reminds them that, during these incredibly stressful years, their exam results are not the only thing that will come to define them.” ZM
12. “Be prepared for the fact that parenting teenagers is a more demanding journey. Dedicate one-on-one time with your teenagers and schedule in events to do together even if you don’t like the activity.” KS
Lead by example
13. “All teenagers make mistakes, but as parents you will too. Being a parent can open up a dark side you never knew you had. The solution is “regulate, relate and reason”. The first stop is to regulate yourself — calm the hell down. Try to lead by example. Next, relate. Make sure you stay connected by whatever it is that brings you together, whether it’s watching TV with them or having a cup of hot chocolate. Then they can start to speak to you when they’re ready — the reason stage.” NC
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14. “Be consistent in your actions and in what you say you will do. Following through on promises or commitments demonstrate trustworthiness and reliability, which teenagers value so much in their relationships with parents.” KS
15. “It can go wrong. The great parents are those who let their child make mistakes, they’re the coaches who allow their children to make their own decisions.” AS
Be as open as possible
16. “Start having open conversations with your children at some point about sex and sexual health before they start sex education in school, so nothing comes as too much of a shock. It’s also important that it isn’t just “one and done” and that you continue to have open discussions, including more age-appropriate content as they age: for example, talking about contraception, STIs and consent.” JR
17. “Engage boys and young men in discussions on topics often considered taboo within the male world such as mental health, or that are loaded with controversy, such as pornography. Try to look for natural opportunities to open discussions. Avoid the “big talk” in favour of casual and regular conversations. The “big talk” is seen as overwhelming, embarrassing and ultimately tokenistic. Casual, regular conversations are a much safer, low-stakes investment in your son’s communication and emotional literacy skills.” MN
18. “If you find drugs in your children’s rooms, stay calm and approach the topic without anger or judgment. Jumping to conclusions may force your child to side with the drugs. Openly communicating about and uncovering the reasons behind the drug use can be key to tackling it — we often hear from Mumsnet users whose teens are using drugs to self-medicate for mental health issues or ADHD, or to deal with other problems in their lives.” JR
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19. “There is growing concern from parents of teenage boys about increasing misogyny or the misogynistic behaviour they are seeing in their children since the advent of Andrew Tate. Mumsnetters advise parents who are concerned about their child watching this type of content to have an open conversation to try to understand why, and try to address it together. Often it can be the result of low self-esteem, lack of an identity or feeling isolated.” JR
20. “Create a nonjudgmental space. No matter what your son’s opinions, no matter how disturbing you may find them, they are better off “on the table” so they can be discussed and guided. Making a topic off limits creates a sense of taboo, which is powerfully seductive and drives sons into the digital world for answers.” MN
21. “Practise a straight face for when they want to talk to you about sex. Never appear shocked or disappointed. Children will often ask questions at random times, and the wrong reaction could shut down an important discussion and make them less likely to raise issues in the future. One Mumsnetter recommends watching age-appropriate TV programmes with teens: for example, Sex Education or The Maid, which shows lots of relationship red flags, which she then discusses with her child. JR
22.“Be clear on house rules when it comes to friends and your children’s first relationship. Establishing clear boundaries on where to sleep will help avoid some conflict — though not some cheeky circumvention.” JR
Finally, remember …
22. “You don’t have to do it alone. There is plenty of advice and support out there from friends and families, specialist charities and counselling.” JR
• I tutored my kids to pass the 11-plus exam — for free
A parent’s guide to social media detox
As a teacher Zac Moxon has seen at first hand how social media is piling anxiety onto teenagers, affecting their self-image and making it harder for them to concentrate on work.
“For children to do well in their exams they need to train their minds to focus intensely on one thing for a long period of time,” Moxon explains. “When they scroll through a newsfeed, they are changing their focus every two seconds, and their brains get used to giving up on a task after barely starting it. No wonder, when they are put in an exam room, it’s torture.
Training teenage minds to cope without the instant gratification of the internet will help them connect with school, with their friends and with their family. Just don’t expect it to be easy: “They will hate you for it, but it’s one of the most loving things you can do for them.”
Here are seven tips to help stop the scrolling
1. Collaborate with other parents
Create opportunities for friends to meet up together in real life, and get them in the habit of calling each other rather than texting. Kids need to know that parents are working to improve their social lives rather than destroy them.
2. Install a newsfeed blocker
Available on all app stores, these allow social media usage while hugely reducing the endless, mindless scrolling. They don’t mitigate everything bad with the platforms, but are a great first step.
3. Limit phone use first thing
Keep phones off for an hour after getting up. Imagine eating a Mars bar the moment you wake up every day for a month. You would feel horrible, groggy and your cravings for sugar would shoot through the roof. The exact same is true for phone and social media usage. Our brains are totally unprepared at that time of day to process such a huge amount of information, and it leaves us permanently craving more notifications as the day progresses.
4. Make bedrooms phone-free zones
Make sure all phones in the house are charged in a communal area like the kitchen or living room and stay there overnight.
5. Actively organise social media replacements
Do all you can to encourage your child to meet up with friends in real life, and plan family walks in public parks. If they’re old enough, take them to a free live music night at a local pub. It doesn’t have to be completely tech-free either: films are great at allowing us to recharge deeply.
6. Give them a dumb phone
If nothing else is working, buy a basic handset (typically capable of only sending and receiving calls/texts, and limited GPS tracking), even if it’s just for the GCSE year. With no notifications to check, a key source of temptation is removed.
7. Explain that you care
Continually reiterate that you’re doing this because you love them. Any of these strategies will inevitably lead to strong pushback from your child. But they’re teenagers: it’s exactly what they’re programmed to do. They may not reciprocate it in the moment, but they need to be constantly reminded of how much they are loved and cared for by you, even if they only realise it years later.
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