Monday
Tom Tugendhat
Just creating a back-channel. I know we all want the top job. But there’s no reason why we shouldn’t keep this civilised.
Kemi Badenoch
Agreed. You hopeless morons need to listen to Tom.
Suella Braverman
While you all twiddle your thumbs, I’m speaking in Washington DC and I’m explaining that the flag of our enemies now hangs over our public buildings!
Jeremy Hunt
Labour has a flag?
Suella Braverman
Forget Labour. I’m talking about the gays.
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Kemi Badenoch
Ignore her. She’s a great example of why this party has gone mad.
Suella Braverman
You’ve all been infected by the woke mind virus.
Kemi Badenoch
At least I’m in the right country.
Tom Tugendhat
Guys, stop. This party needs to heal. Which is why we need a sober, sensible, respected leader who is already well-liked.
Priti Patel
Actually that’s precisely why people are saying I should stand.
Kemi Badenoch
See what I mean? Bonkers.
Tuesday
James Cleverly
OK I’ve just turned up at the post-election cabinet debrief meeting and nobody is here!
James Cleverly
Oh wait. Isn’t it happening in the shitty losers’ café from The Apprentice? I’d just assumed. I’ll hop in a taxi.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
COME TO POPCON CONFERENCE STOP
Liz Truss
Jacob, shhh. We don’t want them there. The Popular Conservative right is ours for the taking!
Liz Truss
Particularly now we’re so popular that we don’t need to worry about constituents and stuff.
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Jeremy Hunt
Opening this meeting, I’d like to praise Rishi’s dignity and commitment. Without him, this all could have been far worse.
James Cleverly
Can’t believe you’ve started drinking without me. I’ll be 20 minutes.
Kemi Badenoch
Be honest. Rishi was a disaster and his staff were buffoons. It’s thanks to them that people like Penny Mordaunt are no longer here. And I’m really sad about that.
Victoria Atkins
This is you being honest?
Kemi Badenoch
The first bit was. But also, Suella is having a very public nervous breakdown and the rest of you are cretins. None of you seem to know how politics works. It’s like you were born yesterday.
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Kemi Badenoch
This won’t leak, right?
Wednesday
Suella Braverman
Pretty shocked that Kemi thinks I’m having a “very public nervous breakdown”. And that it leaked. We shouldn’t be airing this stuff in public.
Suella Braverman
As I just said in a tweet.
Jeremy Hunt
I hope you all heard Rishi’s concession speech in the House of Commons. So gracious and wise! I particularly liked the bit about “restoring trust”.
Liz Truss
Me too! Because that result in Norfolk was a real shock!
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Jeremy Hunt
“Trust,” Liz.
Liz Truss
Oh.
Rishi Sunak
Thank you, Jeremy. But I’m not sure why I’m even in a group for leadership hopefuls.
Jeremy Hunt
Because I was thinking you should go for it. You might be our best option?
Thursday
Nigel Farage
Let me finish! Because now I’m the leader of a formidable and sizeable force in the House of Commons, I can’t be ignored!
Robert Jenrick
It’s not that formidable and sizeable, Nigel.
Nigel Farage
Ha! Tell them that!
Nigel Farage
Right now, if you like. Because we’re all together in the same car.
Suella Braverman
Now we see Robert’s true colours. He’s a left-wing Remainer.
Robert Jenrick
Suella, are you sleeping much? I think Kemi might be right.
Priti Patel
Hey, I’m moderate and likeable now. All bets are off.
Kemi Badenoch
Listen, idiots. It’s pretty clear it’s going to be me or Robert. And I don’t know what he’s supposed to have that I don’t.
Robert Jenrick
I suppose people think I’m less likely to get suddenly furious and launch a nuclear bomb, before unleashing assassination squads on people I’ve randomly decided are my enemies.
Kemi Badenoch
Exactly. Pathetic and weak.
James Cleverly
Guys, let’s not start killing each other. First we need a proper post-mortem.
Robert Jenrick
Don’t people need to be dead before you start chopping them up, though?
Kemi Badenoch
See what I mean?
Friday
Tom Tugendhat
I know everybody is cross. But I still feel we need a wise elder statesman to hold the reins in our time of self-imposed crisis.
David Cameron
Don’t look at me. Literally not what I do.
Iain Duncan Smith
Is it time for the Quiet Man to turn up the volume again?
James Cleverly
Oh God, not him. That was the lowest point of our party’s history!
Iain Duncan Smith
Not any more. I had 45 more MPs.
Jacob Rees-Mogg
FROM THE ASHES OF DISASTER GROW THE ROSES OF SUCCESS STOP
Robert Jenrick
But this time, we must not repeat the same old mistakes that left us a national laughing stock!
Boris Johnson
Did somebody call?
*according to Hugo Rifkind
