San Diego Chargers to fans: 'Take a chill pill'

The San Diego Chargers director of public relations has a message to all those whiny fans complaining about the team blowing a 24-point lead on Monday Night Football: "Take a chill pill."

That's the actual headline of Bill Johnston's note to fans on the team's official website. There's so much goodness in the message that we had to reprint some of the best excerpts. Johnston's quotes are in bold.

What's with you people?

The royal "you people" is always a good way to start a civilized conversation.

Sometimes I think Twitter was invented to give people a chance to puff out their chests and talk big, saying things they never would say to someone's face.

What, sort of like, "what's with you people?"

And talk radio … don't get me started. The old adage your mom used to preach – "If you don't have anything good say, don't say anything" – seems to have evolved to "if you don't have anything good to say, call sports talk radio."

I'm very confused as to what we're doing here then. Isn't the whole point of this post to badmouth fans?

A few of the more recent Chargers teams have been declared dead by quacks, only to awaken in good health. The 3-3 Chargers of 2004 won nine of their final 10 games. The '06 Chargers won their final 10. The '07 Chargers started 1-3 before winning 10 of their last 12. The '08 Chargers won their final four in a row and the '09 team won its last 11 games.

He's using two spaces in between periods. This means nothing. And it means everything.

Time to take a chill pill.

BURN! I imagine a face-painted man sitting down to his MacBook in suburban San Diego and reading Johnston's column, nodding in approval at the sober reality check of taking sports too seriously and proudly going to the bathroom to wipe off the makeup while mentally planning to go volunteer at a soup kitchen. This is difference-making stuff.

No one knows what will happen this season, yet alone the next game. That's the beauty of the National Football League. I don't know, you don't know, no one knows what's going to happen.

Yes, but you seem to be saying that everything is going to be okay. (See "dead by quacks" paragraph.) That's a fine sentiment, but no more ridiculous than believing everything is falling apart. (Kidding; it's totally more ridiculous.)

If you want these players and coaches to succeed, then support them. Don't tear them down. What you want and what we all want, including your team, is to know people believe in them.

Now he's just pulling direct quotes from the end of Full House episodes.

Look at it this way. We want our loved ones to succeed, and we'll do whatever it takes to help them. But when they make mistakes, like we all do, we would never criticize or belittle them publicly.

The Lohan family criticizes each other in public all the time and they're acting royalty!

Your team is 3-3, tied at the top of the division, and has 10 games to play. If the Chargers are your team, get behind them and stay behind them. We're all at our best when we know others believe in us.

And judging by the empty seats at Qualcomm Stadium for every home game, they don't.