Am I wrong for not attending my sister-in-law's gender reveal party?

Questions: "My husband and I have been together for four years. I have known my husband and his family since I was little, and we have always been part of each other's lives. His younger sister has always attempted to make things about her, and for some reason has always had a problem with me. So much so that when my husband and I first started dating, his sister and her long-term boyfriend told us we better not get engaged before them. My husband and I got engaged after only four months of dating because we had known each other for so long. We planned the wedding to be a year later, and my husband’s sister got engaged two months after we did. When I asked when they planned to have their wedding, they got quiet and wouldn’t give me an answer. A week later, I found out they planned their wedding six weeks before ours. I had shared all of my wedding ideas and she used many of them in her wedding. I was put off, but wasn’t really mad, just thought it was a little unnecessary. 

Which brings me to my problem. My husband and I had told his mom we were trying to get pregnant. Two months later, his sister tells us she’s pregnant. At this point, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for close to seven months with no luck. I am having fertility issues, and I’ve been extremely upset about it. 

My husband and I had planned to go to a football game three months ago and bought tickets. His sister planned her gender reveal for the same day as the football game and told us two weeks prior to the event. When we said we’d be going to the football game, she called crying, stating that we were selfish for going and were choosing the football game over their baby. She stated that she thought we were all good friends and this is very offensive. This came as a shock to me because the only time they see us is at family functions. They never reach out to hang out. I can’t really see how it’s really going to affect her that much if we aren’t there. 

It’s not really about the football game to me, as much as it is her trying to manipulate us to get her way. We had these plans months in advance, and she also knows how hard this time of infertility has been on me and my husband. 

So am I wrong for missing her gender reveal?"

Answer: You’re not wrong for missing her gender reveal. You and your husband had long-established plans, already purchased tickets and told them you were going. That doesn’t need to change because she invited you to her gender reveal.

You also need to put yourself first sometimes. You and your husband are having a difficult time with fertility issues, and prioritizing yourselves is important. That being said, supporting family and the ones we care about is important, so I would just encourage you to be absolutely certain you won't regret missing the gender reveal for your niece or nephew. If you're confident you are OK missing the event, try to drop off a gift before or after to show your support for your sister-in-law and her husband. That feels like a fair compromise if it's doable. 

Now that we have that out of the way, like you recognize, the real issue is your sister-in-law's competitiveness. Dealing with competitive people, especially family, can be quite difficult. Recognizing the potential underlying cause of this behavior may bring some peace to you. Competitiveness can stem from a place of insecurity, fragile self-esteem, self-centeredness and the perception that resources are scarce. There are an abundance of factors that could be causing this but the important thing is, it’s more about her than it is about you. 

My first step would be an information diet. You shared your wedding ideas, she used them in her own wedding; you have tickets to an event on specific day, she scheduled her party for that date. Now these could be big coincidences, but for your own peace of mind going forward, you may find it helpful to not share important details with her. If you haven’t already had a conversation with her about her behaviors, this may be the time. Try stating that you don’t want to compete with her and look for common ground. Whatever the outcome is, try to focus on you, your husband, your health and happiness.  

Hope this helps, 

Morgan

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the podcast, "Two Hot Takes" where she and her co-hosts dish out advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her advice with USA TODAY's readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at Mabsher@gannett.com or you can click here to share your story with her.

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