A marriage of financial opposites can work

• When honeymoon ends, if one spends and one doesn't, don't speed dial a divorce attorney yet

Couples are supposed to discuss finances before getting married, so that expectations can be set and you find out what the financial side of your sweetie is before the two of you walk down the aisle.

Anyone who has been or is married knows that the good intentions promised before you both say "I do" don't always come to pass -- like not keeping financial secrets, sharing money fairly and approving spending together.

Here's what my husband knew about me before we married: I like to spend.

And here's what I knew about him: He doesn't.

But,nearly 20 years later, we are still together. He still thinks I spend too much and I still think he is too tight with money. But we figured out how to make it work.

We're so different when it comes to money

My spouse comes from a family of middle-class savers. Despite having money, his parents rarely spent it. In fact, my deprived sweetheart enjoyed just one family vacation during his childhood. That's it. One trip in 18 years. I could understand it if money had been tight. But they had the resources, so why did they deny themselves?

That's where my upbringing comes in. I also grew up in a middle-class household with two working parents, but we spent a good deal of our income -- and went on at least two or three modest vacations (think Holiday Inn) a year. We ate out a couple times a week, bought new cars every few years and pretty much bought whatever clothing we wanted, when we wanted.

My parents probably didn't have as much saved as is recommended these days, but they considered themselves providers -- and wanted their kids to have things they didn't have when they were younger.

What I didn't know then was that not all families are the same.

When I met my would-be life partner in my early 20s, and he expected me to save more than I spent, it certainly didn't boost marital bliss -- at least for the first few years.

Spending habits in conflict

Power to the couples who start in spending-saving sync, but that's not my story. Usually, my husband digs in his heels on big spending decisions. Then every once in a while, I convince him to let go a bit.

There have been arguments along the way -- like the one over the Gucci watch I just had to have back when they were the "it" status symbol. We argued about it for weeks . . . and eventually I bought one with a credit card. It took months to pay off, and I still regret buying it.

A few years later, I had to have a red sports car, and after badgering him for months, he caved and we bought something we could not afford at the time. In hindsight, it was an even dumber purchase than the watch.

My husband's immediate reaction to spending is "no." Without wanting to hear the idea or consider the impact on our budget, his instinctive response is "we can't afford it." It's hard not to fight. Sometimes he is right. Other times, there's room for compromise. Would it be better to save? Usually. Am I willing to give our kids just one childhood vacation? No way.

I like to think we're still growing and learning about money management and our core values as a couple -- and as a family (with two children). We aren't in debt, we don't use credit cards (any more), and we have a retirement savings account, so we have found a way to satisfy our financial needs, which counts for a lot.

Learning from our financial differences

Money is the No. 1 one thing couples fight about -- in fact, a recent survey revealed that couples argue, on average, three times a month about finances.

But if the honeymoon has ended and you discover that one of you spends and the other doesn't, hold off on speed-dialing the divorce attorney.

My spouse and I have learned not to make ultimatums during money fights. We have had our share of I-want-to-buy-this, no-you-can't fights, but we each win about 50% of the time.

For example, last summer, I really wanted -- no, needed -- a vacation. To the tropics. OK, the tropics part wasn't a necessity, but I was seriously burned out and needed some down time from work.

My husband quickly started to stress about finances. "We're poor," he said. So I broke out the Holt family spreadsheet -- and a bottle of wine -- to show him precisely how much we had in savings and where the money would come from for the trip. In the end, we settled on an affordable trip to Costa Rica, where we stayed in a nice hotel for $40 a night.

What works for us is having "play" money for ourselves. From Day One, we've combined 75% of our income. The rest is personal "mad money" that we can spend as we please. We're both kicking in to pay bills and save, and we each have money to spend that we don't have to justify to each other.

We also have a spending budget and we use an "approval limit." This means we have to agree on any purchases over $100 when our combined money will be used to pay for it. Even when I want to, I can't just order that comfy new couch and announce to him that it came out of our "home improvement" budget.

This works for us. Other couples handle their finances differently, although I am troubled when some of my friends tell me they lie to their partners about spending. That would not work for us.

Unfortunately, I may be the uncommon one. A recent survey found that half of all couples keep money secrets. I call that lying. And if you lie about money to your significant other, what else would you lie about?

As the old saying goes, cheaters never win. Which is why it's no surprise that the survey about couples' secrets reveal men and women alike say cheating is cheating, whether it's financial or physical.

Sure, it's tempting to say, "Oh, these old things? I've had them for years," when my husband notices the fabulous new pair of red pumps on my feet.

Given that we bank online, he also knows how much I've spent before I walk in the door. More importantly, though, we trust each other. I'm not willing to jeopardize that for a new pair of shoes.

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Holt is a 40-something West Coast wife and mother of two who doesn't reveal her real name so that she can be more revealing about her finances. LearnVest.com is a lifestyle and personal finance site offering money management advice, including subscription-based personalized financial planning.