In Sandy's aftermath, parents should help kids cope

• Maintaining a sense of calm and normalcy is a tip from mental health experts
• Structure makes children feel secure
• Physical reassurance reminds kids they are safe

Wayne Klodowski's family of six lost its Manasquan, N.J., home in Superstorm Sandy. They have been living with friends for two weeks. Five-year-old Kate keeps asking when they are going home.

"It's been traumatic for them," Klodowski said of his children, Taylor, 18, Christopher 15, Kevin 8, and Kate. "They lost a lot of their clothes and toys."

Kate couldn't sleep until the family returned to their battered home to retrieve her bed.

But Klodowski, an auto mechanic, is trying to keep things light. He and his wife, Ginny, both 48, try to keep the kids busy and laughing. Ping-pong tournaments filled the hours until school reopened.

"Kids don't really understand the depth and scope of what's happened," he said. "I try to keep things light and airy."

Mental health experts who specialize in children and adolescents said parents of children affected by the storm need to do what the Klodowskis are doing, to maintain a sense of calm and normalcy.

"Children are resilient and having supportive adults around them will help them get through the next couple of weeks," said Denise Wegeman, a part-time counselor at Manasquan High School.

Best practices for parents, according to experts:

-- Stay calm; children model their parents' behaviors. "Kids learn how to cope from their parents," Dr. Steven Kairys, director of K. Hovnanian's Hospital in Neptune, N.J., said. "If the parents fall apart, you can be sure the kids will have poor coping skills."

-- Stick to routines. Structure, such as observing consistent mean times, makes children feel secure. Assigning chores, even if it's busy work like picking up leaves in the yard or helping out someone less fortunate, gives them a sense of purpose and empowerment. "Routine cures lots of anxiety," Joseph Colford, president of the New Jersey Association of School Psychologists, said.

Dr. Ankur Desai, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, agreed. Everyday routines like reading a bedtime story can be soothing. Routine, Desai said, "is what minimizes the trauma reaction. I know it's hard to do but that's the key to making sure the kids react well."

-- Talk to your children. Be honest about your situation while reassuring them your family will get through this together. Limit media access so they are not bombarded with painful reminders and scenes of destruction that can re-traumatize them. Older children and teens may just need to know the lines of communication are open; create quiet time with opportunities for them to speak up.

-- Give physical reassurance like hugs and kisses. Tell them you love them and remind them they are safe.

-- Ask young children to draw pictures. It can be frustrating for those who lack verbal skills to communicate their feelings.

-- Let them play.

"Don't be surprised if you see children playing 'Hurricane Sandy,' " said Wegeman, a licensed clinical social worker. "Children make sense of their world through play and this is totally normal."

Judy Bezon of Children's Disaster Services, which is affiliated with the Church of the Brethren, said her church sent teams of volunteer counselors to set up play zones at local shelters. She said one young boy at the Monmouth University shelter drew a picture of a tidal wave. "That's the wave that got our house," he told a counselor. Another group of kids "built" a cardboard house with toy tools and wrote "welcome" on the facade. Then they wrote "condemned," she said.

-- Expect some regression, especially in young children. A youngster might suck his thumb or wet the bed, while an adolescent might show depressive symptoms, such as losing interest in his favorite video games. You might see a few bad test grades in school or aggressive behavior.

-- Count your blessings. Remind children that you are safe and together and that possessions can be replaced.

Desai said the trials of Sandy can give children a new perspective on what's really important and they may become a little more appreciative of the things we take for granted.

"One of the positive things that can come out of this is that we may realize we were too used to luxuries, if you will, that other people probably don't have," he said.

Kairys, a pediatrician, said parents should be mindful that sometimes children have a delayed reaction to a trauma.

"Sometimes, months later, when all the emergency people have left, the adults and kids will have a complicated delayed response," Kairys said, adding that children's reactions always are worse if they witnessed their home flood or had no place to go after the destruction.

Desai agreed, saying "kids who don't have a supportive, intact family environment are more at risk to be traumatized."

Kairys said he is working with the hospital's community health division to consider ways to increase awareness about these issues and the potential resources. He hopes to target families, and caregivers such as schools, day care, and primary care providers. He said it may take a few weeks to set the plan into action.

"I want struggling families to receive the help they need as early as possible," Kairys said.