The important, surprising lesson I learned this week in therapy

It's almost a cliché to say that you should focus on the things you can control rather than letting the things that are out of your hands affect your mental health. But no matter how many times I hear it, it's always easier said than done. 

Control was on my mind this week in my daily life and therapy. I have anxiety and so I worry about things pretty much all the time. I'm worried about my family, my friends and people I don't know. Right now I'm worried about the delta variant of COVID-19, how it will affect my life and others'. I'm worried that when my husband and I go on our first vacation in over a year, our dog, Apollo, will be traumatized. I'm worried our air conditioning might break in a heat wave. I'm worried about an infinite number of things. 

One common thread among my worries is that I am concerned about things beyond my control. This week I discussed with my therapist the idea that controlling things is actually an imperfect coping skill. If I just do everything right, try as hard as I can, everything will work out. When I can't control something – from a bus running late to a global pandemic – it transforms from a coping mechanism to a new source of anxiety. 

I won't pretend that I have all the answers. But I do feel a little better just because I have more clarity about what's going on in my head. The first step in dealing with any kind of mental health issue is identifying it, and every step is a good one. 

You might be your own worst bully

Sara Kuburic, our mental health columnist, has a story this week that is close to my heart: All about out inner critics. 

I have struggled with my inner critic most of my adolescent and adult life, and Sara really eloquently writes about this issue:

As a therapist, one of the first things I notice about people is the way they speak about themselves. I often marvel at the human ability to be so self-deprecating. Why does it matter how you speak to yourself? Because the outcome is often a lowered self-esteem and a strained relationship with who we are.  

At the heart of this issue is the inner critic. It's that pesky familiar voice in our heads that criticizes, blames, belittles, questions, plants doubts and undermines our accomplishments. It’s the voice that says we’re unattractive, lazy, undesirable, failing, inadequate, worthless or different – and not in a good way.

Common reasons we bully ourselves:

• It's how we were spoken to as children (a narrative we internalized) 
• It's how our caregivers spoke about themselves (modeled behavior)  
• It’s become a habit (like swearing) 

Sara also offers some tips for silencing your inner critic. 

• Observe the inner critic. It's important to be aware when your inner critic is speaking and what it’s saying. For many of us, the hurtful words have unfortunately become familiar, normal and habitual. We no longer find them alarming. Being aware of your inner critic is the first step to silencing it.  
• Identify the message. What message is your inner critic trying to convey? The inner critic is usually trying to communicate fears, insecurities, conditioning or past wounds. Curiosity about the inner critic’s message can be a powerful tool in reframing your inner dialogue. If we hear “no one likes me” we can explore what the inner critic is really trying to say, and it may be as simple as “I am lonely."
• Reflect on the origin. Our inner critic often stems from a negative early experience in our lives that we have internalized. So you should reflect on the voice of your inner critic. Does it sound like a parent – or even a friend? And when did you start talking to yourself in such a judgmental and demeaning way? It can be helpful to consider social, cultural or familial influences.  

You can read the full column here. And I wish you all a weekend of being gentle with yourselves. 

Today's reads

• I am so delighted to report that the second season of Apple's cheery comedy "Ted Lasso" is just as good as Season 1. Maybe even better. It premieres July 23. 
• Some sunscreens are being recalled. Check the list. 
• What we know so far about the Olympics opening ceremony. 
• Want a $100,000 TV? LG has one!
• The way you're stretching might be bad for you! Sara Moniuszko writes about the proper way to do it. 

Today's pet

I'd like to introduce you all to a new pet in my extended family. 

This is Baxter, who was just adopted by my cousin Carrie and her family.