7 guys you can find in the middle of every dumb baseball brawl

Ted Berg writes the Morning Win newsletter for For The Win. Yell at him on Twitter at @OGTedBerg or via email at AskTedBerg@gmail.com. 

Oh, we've got a donnybrook, folks! A real baseball brouhaha.

After Reds infielder and outrageously jacked man Derek Dietrich admired his very admirable home run in the second inning, Pirates pitcher Chris Archer tried to plunk Dietrich his next time up. He missed, but both teams' benches cleared and all the relievers chugged out of the bullpens so everyone could stand around holding each other back.

Which is to say, it was a baseball fight. Few if any punches were thrown and none whatsoever connected, as MLB's ratio of bench-clearing incidents to punches landed held steady around 30:1. But Yasiel Puig was in the center of it and the Pirates were wearing ridiculous throwbacks, so it made for some great photos:

It actually looks like some sort of West Side Story stage fight, which it kind of is. Given how infrequently bench-clearing baseball brawls escalate into actual violence, I am not convinced that every guy who runs out to the field acting angry is actually all that angry. Puig looked pretty steamed, but Puig also looks pretty steamed when he loses at FIFA in the clubhouse during spring training.

Bench-clearing baseball tiffs are far more often simply stupid than they are wild or incendiary, and actual, insane brawls like this 1984 incident between the Braves and Padres that led to 13 ejections and five arrests. So in the absence of hotter takes about Sunday's Reds-Pirates tilt, here's a list of seven dudes you can identify in practically every baseball fight:

1. The aggrieved pitcher: The overwhelming majority of bench-clearing incidents start with a pitch thrown at or behind a batter by a pitcher who is mad about sports. Archer was made that Dietrich took too much time to watch his home run on Sunday and, if we're being fair, Dietrich really did take a lot of time to watch him home run (which was majestic). Last year the Rays and Nationals fought because Sergio Romo carried a grudge for three weeks over a stolen base he felt came at an inappropriate time.

What's wild is that neither Archer nor Romo nor Joe Kelly seems like the type to get bent out of shape over baseball's stupid unwritten rules. I think pitching just makes you crazy sometimes, so dudes get way too offended over mild slights and throw baseballs at their opponents to settle scores. It's not a proportionate response.

2. The too-mad teammate: That's Puig, here. In basically every baseball fight, there are 23 guys who know full well that no one really wants to throw down and one guy just salivating at the chance to actually fight somebody. There's always a too-mad teammate with little direct connection to the offending incident who takes it upon himself to play enforcer.

3. The Don Zimmer: People vilified Pedro Martinez for throwing 72-year-old Yankees coach Don Zimmer to the ground in a long-ago brawl, but Zimmer was almost certainly the aggressor. You'd think baseball coaches would have enough experience to know that a) they've got no business endeavoring physical combat with guys still in their primes and b) nothing's really going to happen anyway. But no, there's always at least one coach who seems like he wants to throw hands.

Look closer at the photo above. Arguably its most violent actor is a grey-haired guy who has obviously been working out in advance of this moment.

4. The stern holder-backer: Baseball fights are predicated upon dudes holding each other back, otherwise baseball players would expose the fact that they've been too busy being awesome at baseball their whole lives to really learn much about fisticuffs. It was Joey Votto holding Puig back on Sunday, presumably saying stuff like, "C'mon, bro, we can't afford to have you suspended," trying to reason with a guy in no mood for reason. When calmer heads don't step in to hold baseball guys back, it leads to moments like this one.

5. The late arrivals: The bullpens emptying is easily my favorite part of every baseball fight, because often all the relievers have to run in next to each other to go "fight" on the infield. Check out this video from a 2018 Rays-Twins fight over a balk. If those bullpen dudes were really so eager to rumble, why not just stop in the outfield and fight their counterparts?

Andrew McCutchen had a great take on this after a Dodgers-Giants incident last year. Outfielders and relievers show up just in time for the fight to be dying down, so they're really just in it for a nice job.

6. The guy just here to say what's up to his bros: Playing baseball at the Major League level means you also played baseball at the minor league level, and possibly in college or in competitive amateur travel ball, plus there's a good chance you train all offseason at a baseball facility near wherever you're from. Baseball players know lots of guys who aren't on their teams. Whenever your club gets in a fight, there's a good chance one of your bestest bros is on the other side, and sometimes you just want to tickle them. If you look closely at most bench-clearing baseball fights, you'll see a couple dudes on the fringes just saying "what's up."

7. The guy who genuinely doesn't care: You kind of need to be a star to pull this off, but the biggest heroes in every baseball fight are the ones who are completely above the fray. Just because a guy is your teammate doesn't mean you necessarily like that guy and have to be willing to fight and get yourself suspended on his behalf, plus maybe you realize this whole bench-clearing charade is mostly going to be a waste of anyone's time. That's Clayton Kershaw, here. You can see some true apathy on faces in the background of every baseball brawl, but none of it has ever been better expressed than by a guy just going out to throw his warm-up pitches while everyone else did Jets-and-Sharks stuff near home plate.

The weekend's big winner: Corey Conners

The 27-year-old golfer needed to get through a qualifier to play in the PGA Tour's Valero Texas Open, then won the darn thing, and with it $1.35 million. In addition to the money, the win secured Conners a place in the Masters and at the 2019 PGA Championship. He is "fully exempt" through the 2020-21 season, according to a tweet from the PGA, and I just spent too long trying to figure out what that means. Golf people refer to it all the time but never really explain it. It's some golf thing, but it's definitely good.

Quick hits: Auburn, Big Baller Brand, Bees

- Virginia's wild, last-second win over Auburn in the NCAA Tournament semi-finals caused confusion and agony among the Tigers faithful. Here's a bar full of fans who thought they'd won. Here's Charles Barkley looking stunned. Here's an Auburn player calling for some new refs.

- LaVar Ball's Big Baller Brand website is down. I stand by my take: It was too beautiful to last. If only there were other options for absurdly overpriced sneakers and athletic gear!

- I will never not watch videos of baseball players being tortured by bees. Have you ever been stung by a bee? Unless you're allergic, it's just really not that bad. But people always completely freak out about bees.