Do you qualify for a presidential pardon? Take the test!

In a predictable response, the Fake News Media has criticized President Trump for trampling constitutional norms and ignoring objective legal criteria when he pardoned confessed campaign finance fraudster Dinesh D'Souza, convicted perjurer Scooter Libby, and Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and for hinting that he may extend similar absolution to former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich and Martha Stewart.

Nothing could be further from the truth!

The Detroit Free Press, part of the USA TODAY Network, has learned that controversial pardons to D'Souza, Libby and Arpaio were issued only after the White House Communications Office vetted their applications using rigorous criteria developed by noted constitutional scholar Rudy Giuliani, with technical assistance from a Kiev-based public relations firm that prefers to remain anonymous. 

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The Free Press has obtained an unverified copy of the scoring sheet used by the super-secret Presidential Pardons Clearinghouse (www.whitehouse.gov/getoutofjailfree), which is reprinted here for the benefit of readers wondering if they or a convicted felon they love could qualify for their own presidential pardon.

Pardon scoring sheet:

1. Are you a felon sentenced to prison by a federal judge born outside the United States? (10 points)

2. If you answered yes to the previous question, were your conviction and sentence subsequently upheld by appellate court judges appointed by President Clinton or President Obama? (15 points)

3. Are you African American? (0 points)

4. If you answered yes to the previous question, have you been dead for at least 50 years? (25 points)

5. Have you ever been a contestant on "Celebrity Apprentice"? (15 points)

6. If you answered yes to the previous question, would you be willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement pledging not to reveal any unwanted sexual advances that may or may not have been made by the host of "Celebrity Apprentice?" (30 points)

7. Were any of the federal prosecutors or FBI agents who helped secure your criminal conviction invited to former FBI director James Comey's wedding? (10 points)

8. Were any of the federal prosecutors or FBI agent who helped secure your criminal conviction invited to Comey's daughter's wedding? (20 points)

9. Was your conviction and/or sentence celebrated as a "blow for justice" by any of the following: "Failing New York Times," "Cheating Washington Post," "Lying CNN," or United Nations Office on Genocide Prevention? (25 points)

10. If your request for a pardon is approved, would you be willing to send a birthday card to Paul Manafort, Michael Cohen or Michael Flynn? (25 points)

11. If you answered yes to the previous question and were assured prompt reimbursement, would you be willing to include a Visa gift card for $500,000 with your birthday greeting? (50 points)

Scoring guide:

50-100 points: Strong candidate for future pardon. Forward additional documentation (along with a cashier's check for $10,000) to rudy@trump2020.com.

100-150 points: Outstanding candidate for pardon in the next 30 days, or upon publication of the Special Counsel's Interim report to the U.S. Department of Justice, whichever comes first.

150-200 points: Can you be packed in time to appear on Fox & Friends tomorrow morning?

More than 200 points: Your driver will hand you your passport and a crystal flute of Dom Pérignon when you enter the limousine waiting for you outside the prison gates now.

Brian Dickerson is a columnist at the Detroit Free Press, where this column first appeared. You can contact him via email: bdickerson@freepress.com.