President-elect Trump insists on being inaugurated twice, on consecutive days, because “demand is through the roof. Kennedy, Reagan never had crowds like this. The Bushes? They were lucky to draw three lobbyists and an ugly hooker.”
The New York Times men’s-style section runs trend piece noting new Washington vogue for pink power ties knotted so that the tips reach the wearers’ pants’ inseams.
President Trump proposes Ivanka Trump as the new face of the $10 bill, saying, “She’s a piece. Fantastic body, skin, face. I’d probably date her if I wasn’t her father and she wasn’t the attorney general.”
President Trump diffuses Israeli-Palestinian tensions over the West Bank by observing, “Who even cares? Have you seen the golf courses in Hebron?”
Constitutional crisis erupts over question of whether writing, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT IS MITCH McCONNELL EVEN WORTH?,” in big letters across a piece of legislation constitutes a formal veto. Supreme Court says yes, citing president’s use of emphatic gold Sharpie.
Americans are surprised to learn that the president and First Lady are still living in their Trump Tower apartment in New York. “Washington is a hick town,” the president explains. “And the White House food is awful. Disgusting. Rosie O’Donnell wouldn’t eat it.”
President Trump sparks an international incident when he calls Angela Merkel “a three, at best.” U.S.-German tensions endure despite White House’s best efforts at diplomacy.
Jittery nation holds its breath when the president puts the military on Defcon 2 alert during three-day Twitter war with a senior BuzzFeed correspondent.
Controversy rages when video suggests the president’s head briefly combusts during a sunny Rose Garden photo op. The White House blames lens flare, but independent experts posit a volatile mix of industrial-strength hair-care products and global warming.
Washington Post reveals “President Trump” is not technically running the country. Thanks to a cleverly structured licensing deal, the actual U.S. president is a consortium of Malaysian real-estate investors. Nevertheless, re-election plans continue apace.