The year 2020 witnessed nonconventional engagement etiquette: proposals on TikTok, engagement announcements on Instagram, and weddings on Zoom. Technology brought us together, but the pandemic forever changed the rules for a rite of passage that has been notoriously tradition-bound.
My own pandemic proposal story is one of many. Most of my relationship had taken place under lockdown, and during a year of dating, we hit nearly every relationship milestone an engaged couple can: a pregnancy, a family death, a birth, a big promotion, two thirtieth birthdays, and finally, an engagement. I knew it was coming because he had to measure my ring finger himself at home, and because I found the ring (harder to do than you might think, since he was always in the house).
When gatherings were improbable, if not impossible, the traditional trappings of wedding planning were not accessible for us. My fiancé sought my father’s blessing over the phone when ordinarily he would have done so over dinner. He got down on one knee with an antique old cut ring that arrived in the mail, purchased online. There was no engagement party: He shared the news on Facebook, and I posted it in my family's Whatsapp chat.
As we step into the new year, what even is “traditional” these days? In our post-pandemic reality, modern couples approach engagements with intentionality. A Zola study, surveying 7,000 couples with 2024 wedding dates, found that 100 percent of the relationships have been together for half a decade and weathered a global pandemic, an unstable economy, and battles for human rights and marriage equality.
Engagement etiquette has evolved, and to answer all your post-proposal questions, we’ve enlisted the insights of William Hanson, a London-based etiquette expert and the executive director of The English Manner.
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Who Gets to Know First?
According to the same Zola report, a noteworthy 87 percent of the happy couples were already living together before they decided to tie the knot, and 25 percent had engaged in explicit discussions regarding when they’d get engaged. So, ideally, the engagement won't catch your loved ones entirely off guard.
Before sharing the good news with your social circles, proper etiquette dictates that family members should be the first to know. “You need to tell parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and first cousins before posting anything,” Hanson says, adding that immediate family and in-laws should never find out via the Internet. Recognizing that family dynamics and cultural rituals vary, begin by telling those you hold dear as family—whatever that may mean to you.
“It can be on FaceTime, or a phone call, but I would tell parents in person,” Hanson adds. “This depends on where you live, but I would be making the call to invite them to visit for the weekend and share the news then. You’re only going to tell them once in your life, after all.”
How Much Should You Reveal?
While an announcement in the paper used to be de rigueur, these days we've gone digital. “With milestone events like this you’re going to talk about yourself," says Hanson. "Anything you would show friends in real life, you can post online.”
Sharing your engagement news on social media is now the standard, and with the surge in diverse formats like Instagram reels, slideshows, and TikTok videos, these announcements have become elaborate social media affairs, moving beyond the customary single Instagram post. “Etiquette evolves, but there are still considerations when posting an engagement on Instagram,” says Hanson, and ultimately, "anything you share on social media is a form of showing off.”
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To avoid coming across too braggy, resist the urge to post close-ups or multiple photos of the engagement ring. “You should never talk about cost, carat size, or where the ring is from,” says Hanson. “If someone comments asking who it’s by, don't reply [publicly]. Message them privately saying it’s from Cartier or Tiffany’s or wherever.” Here's everything you need to know about posting your engagement photos on Instagram.
As for those who are consuming this wedding-related announcement, Hanson’s advice may be obvious, but bears repeating: “If you see an engagement post, then only comment positively even if the ring is absolutely hideous.”
How Best to Save the Date?
A save-the-date card lets guests know that they’re invited to a wedding with a date, a location, and an expectation that they will receive a formal wedding invitation shortly. Prior to finalizing a date, triple-check for any holidays, birthdays, or potential conflicts, especially if you're considering a destination wedding; informally reach out to your friends and family to ensure the chosen date works for them, too.
“With close friends, I’d call them first and then send something in writing,” says Hanson. “A call alone isn’t enough because you don’t know what they’re doing at the time; they could be on the treadmill. A call, followed by a text or a card, is fine.”
On the timing front, Hanson recommends giving guests a year’s notice with the save the date. “If you’re getting married abroad, then the more notice the better. If you’re only getting married three miles away and your guests are local, then it’s not always necessary.”
What’s the Deal With Plus-Ones?
Following Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette tips, it’s recommended to automatically invite spouses, fiancés, and live-in partners of each guest. Members of the bridal party should similarly be granted a plus-one; maintain a consistent set of criteria for the rest of the wedding guests to avoid any potential issues or misunderstandings. “It’s up to you and your judgment with plus ones," says Hanson. "I'd say if you have met the partner, invite them. But if you haven’t, then they’re an easy cut.”
The safest route is to make the invitation crystal clear by including specific guests’ names rather than “and family.” There are cultural considerations to make, too. “Culturally that’s confusing—guests might live generationally in larger families," Hanson says.
In 2024, couples are opting for more kid-free nuptials, according to Zola. “If you are inviting the children too, you must list each child by name,” Hanson says. And for invitees: “If your children's names aren't on the card then you absolutely must not bring them.”
Who Gets an Engagement Party Invite?
An engagement party is the first bash you’ll host to celebrate your new union, but who's on the guest list?
The Knot’s engagement party etiquette recommends that everyone invited to the initial get-together should also be invited to the wedding party; otherwise, guests might wonder if they unknowingly offended you. For that reason, consider inviting only your closest loved ones to the occasion, since they'll unquestionably be part of the big day.
Plus, between the engagement party, the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, and the rehearsal dinner, you run the risk of overwhelming guests. “It should be quality over quantity,” Hanson says. “Do one or two events, and do them really well. If you’re going down the engagement party route, then do that and then the wedding. That’s it. Otherwise, people are so fed up by the time the wedding arrives they just want to get it over with.”
“Etiquette in its most basic form is about putting other people before yourself, and you should consider people's budgets when choosing what you’re asking them to attend and travel to.”