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Vulture Imagines Hugh Jackman’s 2010 Oscars Opening Number

By , a features writer for New York Magazine.  He was previously the magazine’s culture editor and one of the original editors of Vulture.

Well, the 2008 Academy Awards are behind us and bloggers are already speculating about which of 2009’s films might be nominated for Oscars. Following Hugh Jackman’s revelatory performance on Sunday night, though, we can’t seem to muster much excitement for the actual awards — we just want to know which movies Jackman will deign to include in his sure-to-be-incredible opening number next year. We envision our fantasy montage after the jump.

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The lights go down. We hear a drumroll. Jackman descends from the ceiling of the Kodak Theatre dangling from a bouquet of colorful balloons and singing an Aria about Pixar’s latest masterpiece — hopefully one about how it’s nominated for Best Picture instead of about how the Academy always shafts animated movies.

The Road
Jackman lands gracefully onstage and, following a ten-minute standing ovation, he breaks into a calypso number about the film adaptation of history’s most depressing book. Coughing into a handkerchief to the rhythm of the steel drums, Jackman pushes a shopping cart — which looks to be filled with blankets and canned food — around the stage. Then, a one-legged cannibal jumps out of the cart and plays a trumpet solo.

Public Enemies
A D.J. booth rises from the stage and Jackman breaks into a rap song about Michael Mann’s Great Depression–set crime drama. Predictably, his flow is impeccable. Flanked by a crew of trench-coated back-up dancers, Jackman makes his booty clap.

Lincoln
Next, he does a double backflip into the air, landing on the railing of one of the Kodak’s seat boxes. Sitting in it is successful bearded hip-hop star Joaquin Phoenix — by next February, everyone will have finally come around to his musical genius — who is wearing a top hat. Jackman does a tap dance, singing a tune that playfully derides the long running time of Spielberg’s Abraham Lincoln biopic. Then, he spoils the film’s ending by mock-assassinating Joaquin.

The Lovely Bones
For the big finale, Jackman spouts angel wings and flutters back to the stage, where he leads a 100-person gospel choir through an inspirational song about how he almost made it through all of The Lovely Bones without crying. Also, remember when director Peter Jackson fired Ryan Gosling from the film because he was “too fat”? Good sport that he is, Gosling comes out in a fat suit and sings the song’s low notes, while Jackman shoots himself out of a cannon. After applauding wildly for the better part of an hour, the evening’s nominees carry Jackman from the theater on their shoulders, not bothering to collect their awards.

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Vulture Imagines Hugh Jackman’s 2010 Oscars Opening Number