Is the biggest drama this season really between two people on different continents? Everyone seems perfectly content to let NeNe rage against Kim from across the pond. Even new Housewife Eva is fine to let the shade be thrown around her and just sit there in her amazing wig and giant dress. That’s an all-time great interview look, let alone a debut interview look.
It’s time for the Housewives to galivant around Barcelona! Promotional considerations provided by souvenir-stand fans and Marlo’s Etiquette Classes! Shamea has been given a Shamea Cam and they’re really trying to make Shamea happen. Cynthia has prepared a “50 Cent Bucket List Challenge” for all the girls to try something out of the box and do something crazy. Challenges include pinch a man’s butt, take a shot with a stranger, eat a foreign delicacy, and swap personalities for a day. Everyone claims that they’re going to take Kandi’s personality and NeNe does her best Kandi impression. That’s just talking without moving your eyes or your teeth. Try it.
Marlo immediately starts harping on how “dry” Kandi is and how she needs etiquette classes to be more friendly, welcoming, and open. First of all, fuck being friendly. Women don’t have to be friendly. Second of all, MARLO IS TEACHING ETIQUETTE CLASSES? OH OKAY, HONEY.
After Shamea asks where Kenya and Kim are because the producers slipped her a note instructing her to do so, NeNe launches into the first of many Kim attacks. She says that Kim is the only person she knows who has had cancer, thyroid problems, heart surgery, and a stroke, but still manages to have a negative attitude. Shit, if I had all those issues, I’d be negative too. Can’t a bitch catch a break? NeNe calls her “Bionic Barbie,” which honestly sounds like a compliment.
They arrive at a luxury hotel in Barcelona for a little promotion— I mean for lunch. They all do a photo shoot on the balcony and Eva shows off why she’s a top model. She’s also managing to pull off a denim-print bomber jacket with giant chiffon kimono sleeves. That should be the final challenge on this new season of ANTM. They all sit down to a lovely lunch buffet and NeNe tries to count an anchovy as a foreign delicacy. Kandi announces that NeNe is going to be joining her on tour and we all know how NeNe’s stand-up career turned out.
Shamea tries to get to know Eva by asking her if she’s ever hooked up with a woman and if she hooked up with Missy Elliott. I know the Housewives keep insinuating that they have no problem with lesbians, but the way they’re fascinated by anyone who has had a same-sex interaction is suspect. If you truly don’t care, what does it matter if Eva hooked up with Missy Elliott? If that story is true (it’s not), the story isn’t the lesbian part — it’s HOLY SHIT YOU HOOKED UP WITH ICON AND BAD BITCH MISSY ELLIOTT?!?!
Kandi says hooking up with Cynthia might be a good idea because then Cynthia would defend Kandi the way she defended Will. Y’all. That was too much.
Eva brings up the magazine cover party to apologize for making the evening stressful for Cynthia. Cynthia keeps snapping that WILL. DOESN’T. HAVE. A. GIRLFRIEND. There’s that ardent defense we’re so used to. Everyone keeps trying to gently suggest that maybe if all your friends have heard something about your boyfriend, one thing might be true. NeNe asks if it’s even remotely possible that Will is lying to Cynthia. Cynthia says IT’S. NOT. POSSIBLE. Cynthia says she’s just getting to know Eva and Porsha, so she doesn’t have to believe everything they say. You know you don’t have to believe everything your boyfriend says either, right? That’s like the earliest stage of dating, when you just assume the other person is “putting a positive spin” on things. Cynthia also says that she’s going to treat Will like a biscuit and let him sop her up.
It’s time to head to the villa after a little sightseeing. There are flamenco dancers to greet the ladies when they arrive. Welcome to Villa Victoria! Victoria herself shows them around the eight bedrooms and six bathrooms! Fully Staffed! Velvet Throw Blankets! Kinda Busted! Cynthia says it didn’t look like this online.
There’s a bit of a scramble for the rooms and Bravo must think we love a good room scramble because it’s a staple of any Housewives trip, but I’m not interested. At the end of it, NeNe thinks she should be given a great room because she’s a host and because she and Cynthia are the more mature girls. She presents the idea to the group and asks Kandi to give up her room. Kandi responds by singing, “I’m not changing rooms!” Kandi points out that NeNe seems willing to use her age to get something, but no one is allowed to bring it up.
Before dinner, Shereé, Shamea, and Porsha give Kim a call to tell her about what NeNe said on the ride. The best part is when Porsha says that Kim surviving cancer is a blessing, but in the most sheepish and scared way possible. Kim tells them to hold on because she’s got some photographic and video evidence of NeNe’s foolishness.
At dinner, Marlo puts a tiara and blonde wig at the table to hold the place of Kenya and Kim, those who could not be with us. Porsha refuses to take her sunglasses off because she’s having an allergic reaction to her eyelash glue and reveals she mostly doesn’t use condoms … uh … okay. Oh! I forgot to mention a very silly conversation in the bus on the way to the villa about who does and doesn’t suck balls. NeNe and Kandi view ball licking as just part of the giving-head experience, while Porsha says they’re too close to the asshole. And now you know.
Part of the way through dinner, Kandi brings up the “mature” comments made by NeNe and keeps referring to her as an elder. Which, if you ask me, is a pretty funny joke, but NeNe’s rage gets distracted when a missive from Kim arrives complete with video and photographic evidence of NeNe’s sins. She’s got roaches in her bathroom and she parked in a handicapped spot. All of the ladies get the text message at the same time and NeNe cannot contain herself.
Maybe she’s had a waterbug or two in her life, but she will NOT be called dirty by Kim of all people. She says, “She’s got worms in her ass,” which is a preposterous thing to accuse a human of.
As NeNe rants about how she’s worked for everything she’s gotten, the camera cuts to the wig at the head of the table, almost as if to ask, “What do you have to say for yourself, wig?”
