Just a few things in life are promised: death, taxes, and rappers turned reality stars expertly weaving themselves into every storyline of an unscripted show. We have followed Brooke Valentine for 15 episodes this season and it’s clear the thing she is best at doing is stirring up controversy. Whether it’s in her marriage or someone else’s, you can guarantee that the woman behind Girlfight is about to start a brawl.
This time, the squabble is between her former flame, Boobie (no, that is not his real name, he chooses to be called that) and Marcus, her fiancé. How this terrible woman is living out a black romantic comedy love-triangle between two very attractive men, is beyond me. But if our political climate has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes bad people get good things because the simulation is broken. Thus, Mona Scott Productions has set up a battle between Marcus and Boobie that will take place in the finale of this show. Now if you thought, “Ziwe, this story arc has had no real setup this season and comes out of nowhere, thus we can’t emotionally invest in the stakes because there are none,” you are correct! But we’re just going to go along for the ride because we bought a ticket and you can’t get a refund on time. (Note: Can’t Get a Refund on Time will be the name of my debut pop album.)
Speaking of refunds, A1’s mom, Pam, needs a refund on her wig. She’s at A1’s music-video party wearing a hair unit that looks like a Lego attachment. I will continue to be vocal about elder rights until this unruly grandmother is no longer neglected by her reality-star children. I’m starting to believe that A1 purposely makes his mother look bad to exact revenge for her spearheading the Love & Hip Hop birther movement. Somehow, in between connecting with Nigerians on Facebook and auditioning for 90 Day Fiancé, A1’s mom finds time to publicly shame her daughter-in-law. I’d say a party is not the time or place for her to be behaving this way, but the cast of LHHH literally has a party for every occasion — Arbor Day, Veteran’s Day, Ray J’s Scooter-Release Anniversary Day. These people are singlehandedly keeping Party City open. They live full lives at these parties, eating, drinking, dying, and giving birth, because they are always at parties.
That’s why it’s not surprising that as soon as Apple Watts gets out of jail, she immediately goes to this party. The parties are ecosystems unto themselves and they feed each other. That’s why Amber Diamond referencing Brooke hosting Roccstar’s album party, threatens his engagement with Brooke, which is technically a wedding party. (You see what I did there? That’s called finesse, baby.) That’s also why Lyrica and A1 announce that they’re renewing their vows, which means there’ll be another party begot by this party begot by the previous 10,000 parties … What I’m trying to say is a lot of things happen at parties on this show, which I can’t relate to because I go to about one party a decade.
At an undisclosed location, Marcus confronts Brooke about the party she attended with Roccstar. This prompts Brooke to confront Marcus about liking Amber Diamond’s nude photos on Instagram. This prompts me to confront the reality that the driving force in this show is Brooke Valentine. She is the protagonist, and anyone that says differently hates black women. Ultimately, Brooke resolves to text Amber Diamond using an app that says she’s texting from Marcus’s phone. Amber Diamond falls for this honey trap and attends Brooke’s single-release party expecting to see Marcus. At this party, Brooke yells at Shun Love and “Amber Zoconium” on her microphone until Shun rips off her own daughter’s wig and slaps Brooke and Bridget with it. Never in my life have I seen someone rip a wig off to use as a weapon, so I was stunned to see a mother do it to a child. This just goes to show us that anything is possible if Brooke is driving the plot.
When Brooke is not driving the plot we get a scene with La’Britney inviting kids we have never met to come live with her in Los Angeles. This was a sweet beautiful family moment that was completely out of place on this show. Not to mention, we are watching the penultimate episode of the season. If family was a driving device for La’Britney, we should have got this moment episodes ago. Instead it was hamfistedly tagged at the end of the season, like a free egg roll with an order of pizza.
No offense to La’Britney though. She has very handsome sons that look just like her and she seems like a wonderful mom. And personally, I’d love to see more family scenes that don’t involve women over 60 fist-fighting. You can always tell a lot about a reality star by how they interact with the people that actually know them. A little heart would only improve this show. You could call it Love & Hip Hop and Hanging with the Kiddos. I’d watch that show. Unlike the show Apple Watts’s father is angling to get with his opportunistic dusty self. There is nothing to say about this loser other than he doesn’t deserve to have this sweet woman in his life.
On a completely unrelated note because this episode is more disjointed than a Netflix multi-cam series, Lyrica G and Pam are meeting to plan Lyrica’s wedding. This doesn’t make sense because Lyrica is already married and they aren’t even at a wedding dress shop. Lyrica, Pam G, and a third woman whose name I refuse to learn, argue about whether Lyrica cheated on A1 and it’s safe to say this story has been beaten within an inch of its life. We have heard these accusations for months now and unless there is a new revelation, I really don’t care because nothing tops A1 jumping over a table like Sonic the Hedgehog.
This argument prompts Lyrica G to march out of the not-wedding store, which opens the window for Pam and that woman to expose the “real” evidence. This woman claims to know that A1 is cheating because she has text messages from him that say he’s suspicious of his wife … Okay … Well if she has these text messages … so does A1 since he sent them … which means there’s really no issue. Am I missing something here? I guess this is just one big workup to the finale next week where we’ll find out if A1 makes his wife take a DNA test. Until next time!
