Oh yeah, baby. Paradise is back with a Monday/Tuesday punch and I can’t wait to settle into this quick little episode that will deliver the Rose Ceremony and not much else — I’m sorry?! This episode is two hours long? Ashley I and Jared are here??? Salley is a suitcase??! WHAT IS HAPPENING ON THE BEACH? Is this some M. Night Shyamalan movie and we’re on the beach that causes chaos?! There’s simply too much happening and everyone is crying. There’s no time! Let’s get to it!
It is still rose-ceremony night and I’m not entirely sure who is going to be getting a rose from whom. There are two to three rose triangles happening. Romeo has climbed on top of the bar and is in the fetal position. Bachelor in Paradise can’t decide if Wells is the bartender, an actor, or a narrator. Listen, I love me some Wells. He’s often the only person on the beach with a little bit of sense, but please don’t overload me on Wells. He’s simultaneously too famous and not famous enough for all this.
ALERT: JACOB IS A HOT COMMODITY NOW. He’s got Lace, Hailey, and Kira all vying for his rose. All of them are convinced that he’s the only option for them and I think everyone should reevaluate their priorities. Kira decides that her best strategy is to cover her tits and vagina with fiddle-leaf fig leaves and make out with Jacob. Between this and using Salley’s vibrator, Kira is more likely to walk off the beach with a yeast infection than a man. Give Brandon the prize for best line of the night when he says that Kira looks like a lettuce wrap.
Living Bratz Doll Victoria wants to let it be known that she’s interested in Justin and that sends Genevieve into her 15th emotional spiral of the day. Justin also decides to tell Victoria that he wants to get to know her even better the next day. This feels like a mistake. Genevieve and Justin sit down again and Justin wants to show Genevieve that he’s still thinking about her. He brings her a birthday cake and Genevieve tells him that she didn’t feel that he was into her at all that day. Justin emphatically points at the cake he just brought her. This conversation feels like they’re a couple who has been together for four years and all of their friends think they should break up but they’re both on the lease and it’s so close to Christmas. Might as well get one more present out of the relationship. Genevieve says that Justin was sitting too far away from her and Justin says, “If I sat closer by a foot, that would have made you feel better?” and Genevieve says “Everything I say you get so defensive!” Pack it up, everyone. This is not good. You don’t like each other. You’ve seen Sex and the City too many times and you think you have to fight to make every relationship work. Justin reiterates that it’s day two and he’s going to go on other dates. Victoria decides that while Justin is figuring out his nonsense with Genevieve, she’s going to try to snag Johnny.
This is a match that makes perfect sense. I need these two to get married. They’re smooching. They’re touching each other’s hair. She’s calling him sugar. He sorta knows her name. Let’s lock this shit in.
It’s time (finally) for the rose ceremony. Jesse reminds Jill that she can turn down a rose if she wants to. Andrew gives his rose to Teddi, Brandon gives his to Serene, Michael gives his to Sierra, and Logan gives his to Shenae. End of established couples. Jacob gives his to Lace, Casey gives his to Brittany, which is news to me. Justin gives his rose to Genevieve and Johnny snatches up Victoria. It’s time for Romeo’s rose. He gives it to Jill and he says it’s either a fresh opportunity for them or an opportunity to explore new relationships. Jill grabs that rose and rejects him so fast, when Romeo reaches forward to give her a hug all that’s left is her dust outline like she’s a Looney Tune.
Kira, Hunter, and Hailey are going home. Hailey and Hunter are completely broken up because they want to know when they’ll find love and why their happiness keeps getting ripped away. This is way too fucking much for day two, my gals. Kira drives straight to a Señor Frog’s and picks up a cruise ship passenger.
It’s the next day in Paradise and the women have the roses and the power. The men have absolutely no idea how to react because they’ve never had to pursue a woman in their lives. Genevieve and Justin sit down AGAIN and she tells him that she’s done a lot of thinking in the last 24 hours and she’s cool now. Nothing will ever faze her again, she’s got a new minds—SHUT THE FUCK UP AARON AND JAMES ARE HERE. These two big dumb idiots. Hell yeah. Bring ’em on.
All the women are ready after the nonsense the men have been putting them through. All their heads turn as James and Aaron storm the beach like the American military. Brandon knows that he and Serene are already in love so he’s not worried, but the rest of these dopes are in trouble. James and Aaron have a double date card.
Also, I’m expected to remember that Shanae accused Genevieve and Aaron of hooking up right after Clayton’s season. I understand that I’m supposed to be a historian of this product but I just can’t be expected to remember every single crazy thing Shanae has said. But it should be said that Genevieve and Aaron do have preexisting chemistry and she always thought he wasn’t interested in her. Are we going to have to isolate the contestants so they don’t go around hooking up and meeting each other before the season starts?
James picks Shanae and Aaron picks Genevieve for their date. Both women’s lesser-abbed partners spend the rest of the day moping and sleeping. Justin is also upset that Genevieve would turn around and go on a date when she was so upset with him for going on a date. Meanwhile Lace is chatting it up with Jacob and he tells her that he spent his 22nd birthday at a strip club in Tijuana. The strip club was named Hong Kong, and at first Lace thinks he means the city and he cheerfully corrects her. This is … not the look.
Everyone is also worried that Shanae and Genevieve are going to have a bad time on their double date. Villains typically thrive in Paradise because their villainy is only exposed when they’re having to compete with multiple people for one person’s affections. If there are lots of options, the villainy is diffused. Shanae is so diffused that she breaks down crying talking about how confident James is and how comfortable she feels.
Okay. Now Ashley I and Jared arrive in Paradise just to hang out?? They’re there to give advice and get a parents’ weekend. Of all the couples that could stroll back on that beach and give advice about making it work and trusting the process, we went with… Ashley I and Jared?? I watched their weird little romantic story video. These people have nothing to impart.
EVERYONE!! EVERYONE!! SHUT UP!!!! RODNEY IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RODNEY HAS A DATE CARD!! EVERYONE IS SCREAMING!!! ROD-NEY! ROD-NEY! ROD-NEY!!!!! Let Rodney take every woman who has been wronged on a massive group date. Let Rodney hand out multiple roses. Let Rodney be the Bachelor. That’s what I’m actually asking for. Paradise is over. Rodney is the lead of The Bachelor. SAVE US RODNEY!!!!!!!!!
Rodney is excited to meet Serene (taken), Teddi (mildly taken), and Eliza (not on the beach yet). He takes a few women aside and everyone keeps telling him, “You are the hottest guy to come on this beach! We think you’ll respect us!” Rodney takes Teddi aside and she’s being awfully flirty. She brushes something off his lip and keeps fussing with her hair. She says she’s excited he’s here and that he’s cute. Rodney heads back to the group to chat with the rest of the gang and get ready to ask someone on his date and Teddi just… walks away down the beach by herself. She’s crying? Oh my god. What’s happening? Seriously. WHAT’S HAPPENING.
She seems concerned that because she isn’t feeling it with Andrew (someone she really wanted to meet) and maybe wants to get to know Rodney (someone she also wanted to meet) that this is a sign that Paradise isn’t working for her. I don’t know, girlfriend. You have two cute, friendly guys who want to take you on dates. I think it’s working as intended. She pulls Andrew aside and, oh boy, I cannot decode this conversation. She says it’s not fair to him and he has every quality she’s looking for in a partner but she’s just not feeling it. Andrew keeps telling her that he wanted to meet her too and they do have a spark between them but he’s not going to force anything. Teddi says because it’s not working with Andrew, she doesn’t think it’s going to work at all. I’m going to say the next sentence in the nicest, most understanding way possible: Is this some virgin logic? The idea that if the first thing you were counting on isn’t working out, then you have to leave in the middle of the night without telling anyone?
A producer even asks Teddi, “You want to pack your bags and disappear” and Teddi says, “You either bring the van around or I’m calling an Uber XL.”
Everyone is shaken, everyone is weeping, the balance of Paradise has been thrown into chaos. Who is Rodney going to ask on this date?!?
