If you live in a place still largely unaffected by climate change, you can feel a chill in the air. You look outside your window and the leaves are starting to change. The seasonal drinks at coffee shops are an unholy mix of pumpkin, maple sugar, and apple-cider doughnut. That’s right, the fucking coffee tastes like a doughnut. It’s not just spooky season or cuffing season or decorative gourd season that’s sweeping the nation …
IT’S BACHELOR IN PARADISE TIME!!
That wonderful time of year when a 38-year-old man looks at an array of women under the age of 29 and says, “I think my wife is on this beach and I think one of her ass checks is fully hanging out.” It’s that time of year when we’re suddenly supposed to remember a bunch of people who went home night one on a season we’ve all been trying to forget. WHO IS HAILEY? The blonde one who declares loudly on national television that she has both diarrhea and constipation IBS? No, Hailey is not that one, so I don’t know which one she is. It’s that wonderful time of year when whatever happened at a bar in Nashville two weeks before filming becomes the hottest hubbub of the beach. Paradise is back, bitch!
FINALLY. After a few absolutely wild seasons of the main franchise, it’s time to just sit back and indulge in the chaos that is The Bachelor’s drunk cousin. And when you think about it, this is what the Bachelor Cinematic Universe is at its core: a bunch of hot, skinny people fighting and fucking. Jesse can say that there are children roaming the Earth because of the power of the palapa as much as he wants. Paradise is for trash people who are trying to fuck one more guy before the summer ends. And for the rest of us out here in the real world, it’s too late. Winter is coming, but not in … MEXICO!
Also, let me be the first to say that I think Jesse will actually succeed as a Paradise host. He’s at his best when he’s a little disgusted and confused by what’s happening around him. Think about Jesse vehemently rejecting Meatball being covered in sauce. That’s the Jesse that Paradise needs. Mark my words, we will all slightly accept Jesse by the end of this season.
Let’s get to it.
It’s time for a clip package from the tenderest pieces of Wagyu on the beach. We’ve got Hunter from Clayton’s season, who appears sitting on a toilet. Hunter. Please. Have some dignity. There’s more to you than your IBS. Do you like to knit or something? Johnny from the combined Gabchel season does a rap about — fy;iuyghifdky. I’m sorry. I fully blacked out and my head hit the keyboard. Oh look, Serene is here! She’s got her eye on Brandon and she’s a teacher? That’s fun! Brandon is headed to the beach after sweating out his feelings from his breakup with Michelle, and we’ll find out his type is “hot teacher.”
Then there are the Doing Too Much Twins: Kira and Jacob. Jacob is famous for not wearing any clothes and he’ll be looking for a woman with a nice peach. Kira is too old for whatever she’s doing. She’s bringing more edge to her time on the beach, which just means “staring at Romeo from a distance.” I don’t even want to talk about all her “in another life I would have been a porn star” stuff. There is nothing wrong with being a porn star or wanting to be a porn star, but this whole act seems like a girl who is totally cool with hooking up but is about to throw several temper tantrums if the guy she likes doesn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with her.
Genevieve is headed to the beach and she’s worried about Shenae, so of course Shenae is coming. Justin and his many faces will be joining us on the beach, and Michael A. is getting a main-character edit; he says that his son told him, “Daddy, I can tell that you are still holding onto the memory of my mother, but I feel if you don’t put yourself back out there, you’ll regret it when you look back at this time in your life when a television network offered you a paid two-week vacation to Mexico to meet some baddies. I know the reason you self-eliminated from Katie’s season was to spend more time with me, but what’s two weeks when the upside is true love? Go, Father! Go to Paradise!”
It’s time for everyone to arrive on the beach, and Serene is first. She is some high-octane cute. Jesse asks her if she has any regrets from being on Clayton’s season, and there isn’t a single bone in her body that is hung up on that man. Everyone has moved on, and if Clayton strolled down the stairs, he’d be met with stone-faced silence. Bring on the new hotties!
Then we get a parade of entries: Michael A., Andrew, Genevieve, Johnny, Teddi, Casey, Hailey, Brittany, Hunter, Sierra, and Jacob. Let’s break down some dynamics. I am going to need this show to stop relying on Michael as the narrator, because if I have to hear this damn-near-40-year-old man go on about how beautiful and youthful everyone is, I’m going to throw up. Andrew immediately has eyes for Teddi. (And it seems like they’ve met or talked before this season. Remember when that was a sin?) Johnny is down to drink tequila and have fun. No one knows who Casey is. His only identifying characteristic is that he’s a “geriatric millennial.” Jacob arrives in a leaf thong, and Shenae arrives right as Genevieve is talking shit about her. Genevieve says that Shenae goes for all the guys that she likes. How many times could this have happened since the television show where you were all competing for the same guy?
Justin arrives and delivers some classic faces before he even hits the beach. This guy! Genevieve is flabbergasted to see Justin and they chat about whether narwhals are real. Then Justin utters the absolutely iconic line, “Pears are super-underrated.” A king. Lace arrives on the beach. She’s 32, flirty too, and thriving too. She walks in and no one notices her or says hi to her. She even says “Hi” a couple times. Lace’s run on BiP 3 is pretty fantastic and no one respecting one of the best players in the game is a shame. Brandon arrives and Serene melts down.
There’s a flurry of matchups and side conversations, but these hos are moving FAST on this beach. Shenae and Jacob are making out. Brandon and Serene are nervous and flirty with each other and they’re smooching! I’m into it! I hope we get one sweet, wholesome love story out of this seas—
Oh fuck. It’s Romeo. I remember Romeo really sticking up for Chris at the Men Tell All when he absolutely did not need to. Unforced error, Romeo. Romeo had a little something going with Jill, but then kissed Kira at some point before the season started. Jill sits down with Romeo to hash it out, and Kira comes over and does the most unhinged opening move: SHE STEALS JILL’S DRINK. What?? Who does that? Have you ever seen a half-drunk drink on a table and thought, Oh boy, that’s for me? It’s either a power move or the contagion point of a new virus that will rip through the beach. Kira, no. You’re a doctor. You don’t have to do this.
Just a note: The men will have the roses this week, so they all take that to mean they don’t have to do anything and the women should approach them. This always ends up well.
It’s time for the evening portion of day one, and Jacob finally put some clothes on. There’s a date card for Andrew and he picks Teddi. If you spot Brandon in the background, he’s so jazzed for new love! On their date, there’s a giant margarita that’s sitting there like Chekov’s Hot Tub. Andrew is so amazed by Teddi’s aura and the confidence she exudes that he keeps getting tongue-tied. Teddi says that Andrew is the personification of joy. I hope these crazy kids are gonna make it.
Back on the beach, Genevieve and Justin have their first smooch. Johnny says he likes a girl who can eat while talking to a woman who can’t wear larger than a size 4. Cool. They smooch. Meanwhile, Lace has retired to her sleeping chambers because no one is interested in her. Well, she’s 32. That’s probably the biggest issue on the beach. Lace decides to take a completely different strategy and tell everyone that her birthday is tonight. It is not her birthday. She tells her old pal Wells and he agrees to keep her secret. She uses this ruse to take Logan aside. He asks her how old she is and forgets her name. He calls her “Luce,” and he’s a little stunned that she’s offended. If you have the time to ask how old she is, you can ask her to repeat her name. Lace comforts herself by cupping Casey’s chest and getting an awkward little smooch from him.
It’s back to the Romeo-Jill drama. O, was there ever a tale of woe such as Jilliet and her Romeo? Jill tells him that they have a good dynamic, but the fact that Kira keeps interrupting and he seems to entertain her is getting in the way. She tells him she doesn’t want words, she wants action. That means a smooch. No! Jill! That’s the most basic of romantic actions! You have a much better test coming up, but instead of hanging around to force Romeo to actually send Kira away, Jill runs away from the situation. Romeo meekly tells Kira that he’s starting a connection with Jill and she should let him pursue Jill in peace. Okay, that’s good.
Kira could just calmly walk away knowing that there are other men on the beach to get with, but instead she marches up to Jill and tells her they have to talk. Bitch, about what? Kira says, “What is your fucking problem with me? You keep avoiding me intentionally.” Jill doesn’t know what is happening and is losing her mind. Then Kira starts going on about how she’s disrespected by Jill, and I don’t think I’ve seen Jill do anything other than quickly exit the scene whenever Kira comes around. Then she says that Jill is slut shaming her — which … uh-oh — and that she’s being gaslighted by Jill and Romeo. Dear God, who taught these people this word? This would be a great situation for Romeo to step in and tell Kira not to bother Jill and if she has an issue, it’s with him. But he doesn’t because that is an action that would require a backbone. Kira runs off with Casey and is rubbing his nipples. Kira is doing the absolute most, but I don’t think anyone is interested.
It’s the next morning and everyone’s nipples are sore. Genevieve is feeling the glow from her smooch with Justin and she hopes she can have him all to herself …
Oh hey, here comes Victoria F. We’re cool with Victoria F. again? Huh, interesting …
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK IN PARADISE!!!
