Dangerous Liaisons has survived and thrived throughout the centuries because its entire premise hinges on sexy intrigue. Now, I could sit here and go into the history of Laclos’s 1782 Les Liaisons Dangereuses, but I think we all know why we’re here. We’re here to watch people in period clothes bang. And bang they do, my friends. Bang they do.
Let’s start by clarifying that this is a prequel, not a straight-up remake, of Dangerous Liaisons. Sure, it’s confusing to give the prequel the exact same name as the now-quel, but we’re stuck with it and so let’s just keep in mind that all these events precede the better-known version. But also, you don’t need to know anything about that version, because there are so many new characters and they are all GREAT.
The very first words of this series refer to a queen banging a horse (Catherine the Great: “I NEVER FUCKED A HORSE”), so they let you know what to expect from this show right off the bat. It’s Paris in 1783, and the aristocracy is opulent, it’s decadent, everyone lives for hot goss, and everyone is less than ten years away from getting murdered by the rest of the country for said opulence and decadence.
Marquise Genevieve de Merteuil has compromised herself because Pascal Valmont is very good at sex. She — along with many other women Pascal is sexing — writes him extremely incriminating letters that he is now holding over her head until she gets him a title. How can she get him a title? I don’t know! But apparently she can. Rich people. Apparently a marquis is below a duke but above a count. So they’ve got some pull.
Despite Pascal being the sex toy of the noblewomen of Paris, he appears to be in love with a sex worker named Camille. Camille is extremely pretty, has an A+ best friend, and is under a staggering debt to the owner of the brothel, Madame Jericho (she is referred to only as “Jericho,” making her sound like a cult). Her best friend is a servant at the brothel named Victoire, who is also extremely pretty but is scrubbing the floors instead of working upstairs because of racism, maybe? Or maybe she prefers that to the alternative! Who knows; I unfortunately will never get to ask her. Victoire is the practical friend you need when you’re in love with an amoral turd like Camille is here. Camille LOVES Pascal. She thinks he’s amazing. He is fine? He does have Leonardo DiCaprio Man in the Iron Mask hair. And, as mentioned, seems to be very good at sex. But, much like her Moulin Rouge counterparts, a girl has got to eat, Pascal. What’s your plan? (Blackmail. His plan is blackmail.)
Pascal has an actual job, and it’s something to do with mapmaking. I can’t tell if he’s an actual cartographer or if he does some offshoot cartography job that I don’t know enough about the industry to define. He and Camille have sex on a giant table map, and the whole time, I’m like “FLUIDS. You’re going to RUIN it.” There’s a drop cloth there, but you can’t tell me they were careful! Camille says something about how we’re all just maps and somehow we find our way to the things we want, which is the episode’s writer trying something, but nope, thumbs down.
So these two crazy kids are in love, and Pascal proposes to Camille, to which she eventually says yes. Before she agrees, she goes out to make money on the street, but when a man pushes too hard after she says no, a tall man in a black hat stops him and punches him. Black Hat Man tells Camille it’s his job to clear the streets of immoral persons. When she thanks him, he gets an intense look on his face, and you’re like, oh, no, this is the Judge Claude Frollo of Dangerous Liaisons. His name is Gabriel, but from now on, he shall be known as Frollo.
Camille comes back to the brothel and says she is in LOVE and going to MARRY Pascal, and Victoire says, “Oh, cool, so he’s going to pay your debt then?” But of course he isn’t! Camille is very sure that everything is going to be great, though, and she promises they’re both getting out of there and tells Victoire she’ll never leave her. Friendship!
When Pascal sneaks into the brothel, Camille tells him she’ll marry him, and they celebration-bang on the roof. But Jericho knows he’s there and insists he pay for Camille’s time. When he tells Camille the money’s in his bag, you’re like, Oh, no, nothing good ever comes from sending someone else to look in your bag. And so it comes to pass! Camille finds a blackmail letter from Madame de Merteuil where she rhapsodizes about their time together. When Camille asks Pascal WTF is going on, he says, oh, don’t worry, I’m just blackmailing her, so it’s all fine. Camille is not okay with destroying women by blackmail! A point for Camille! Pascal points out he’s been completely cut off from his family’s fortune by his stepmother, so what are they supposed to do? She does not have a plan, but they burn the letter anyway. Pascal says he’s hidden the other letters at work, and he will definitely for sure get rid of them. They arrange to meet under a bridge the next evening and run away together.
But who was listening on the other side of the curtain? VICTOIRE. Look. Victoire trusts no one, and Victoire gets shit done. I love Victoire. Her one weakness: her dopey friend Camille who is in love with the aforementioned turd man. Victoire heard Pascal say where the letters were hidden, so she takes the key, possibly makes a copy of it (unclear), and disguises herself as a boy to break into the map room and STEAL THE LETTERS. Yes, Victoire! I wouldn’t trust him either! I fully support this theft.
Since Pascal told Camille he won’t blackmail anyone anymore, he makes one attempt to not do that. That attempt is visiting his stepmother. Who is so pretty. We find out Pascal comes from immense wealth, but his father left it all to his stepmother, who says she earned all of it and Pascal can’t have any because it’s all going to her son. Look, I know these are traditional wicked stepmother beats, but she is great. Pascal is the worst. What did he do to earn that money? Be born to someone? Booooo. Also, look at the A+ performances we’ve been missing out on for stupidly not casting people of color in these roles. I hope Pascal’s stepmother returns.
So Camille and Pascal need to get to the bridge, but they are both briefly waylaid. Camille because Frollo shows up (of course he does) and starts yammering on about how he’s paid for her, etc., but she and Victoire put a knife to his throat and lock him on the balcony and run away. Pascal has much more of a choice in his tardiness, as one of his previous ladies writes and says she has a present for him. Out of money options, he runs over there, sexes up that lady, and gets some kind of tiny clock from her. WAS IT WORTH IT, PASCAL?
Meanwhile, Camille is under a bridge in the rain reading the love letters Victoire stole, which are all various ladies talking about how great Pascal is at sex. This is no longer the romantic elopement Camille envisioned. She and Victoire leave the bridge, missing Pascal (GOOD), and show up at Madame de Merteuil’s door. One of her many, many, many doors. What I’m saying is she has a big house.
Merteuil asks how much for the letters, but Camille does not want to blackmail her. She does not believe women should be punished while men are not. This feels like period-accurate feminism! I support this, show. Good job. What Camille does want, though, is for Merteuil to My Fair Lady her. More specifically, she wants to be taught how wealth and power can offer protection. After some thought, Merteuil agrees, saying Camille will pretend to be the daughter of a friend from the country. She tries to send away Victoire, but Camille refuses. BFFS 4VS. Marteuil says fine, Victoire can be her deaf and silent maid from Marseilles. Victoire is very upset at having to pretend to be from Marseilles.
We get a Pretty Woman shopping scene where a woman comes in with her retinue of helpers to make clothes for Camille. The woman pulls the ribbons off Camille’s wrist, saying she needs better ones, and we see scars there. Merteuil notices and jumps to Camille’s aid, saying Merteuil will tie the new ones on herself, which she does while Camille tries not to cry. OH, NO. It’s so kind. I really hope Merteuil is being genuine here because I loved it.
Camille panics while thinking of Pascal and runs out of the room, followed by Merteuil, who tells Camille some of her own history and advice. She believes love is lethal and that your lover is your enemy. She advises Camille to hide her pain and close her heart to love because it can bring her ruin. This is intense foreshadowing for the original Dangerous Liaisons.
We close on Valmont at the opera, still trying to threaten Merteuil with the release of her letters. She is unfazed. Frantic, he returns to the map room and searches for them, but they are GONE. What will happen next!
Undangerous Questions and Ponderings
• Can we finally get some 18th-century lesbians? What if the women from Portrait of a Lady on Fire showed up?
• Will Frollo get a musical moment like Disney Frollo? He kind of seems like he’d do it if he had the chance.
• Has anyone born in the late ’90s and after seen The Man in the Iron Mask, or has that film been buried by the sands of time?
