There are two things that Jenn needs to get rid of immediately: the second N in her name and her boyfriend, Ryan. The evidence is mounting that this will not be the right guy for her. Tamra tells the women in Montana that Jenn isn’t the only married woman at CUT Fitness that Ryan was sleeping with. What is going on with you straight people at the gym? I know that certain steam rooms are a hotbed of homosexual appreciation, but are straight people also getting it on between sets of bench presses? If everyone is always so horny at the gym, why am I, you know, not there all the time? Why am I not addicted to Equinox until I look like Chris Hemsworth, with someone always licking my visible abdominal muscles while another tosses my salad?
When everyone gets back to the city, Tamra tells Eddie about what she heard from her friend Heather Amin (a.k.a. Heather Unibrow) that Ryan said, “I’m going to fuck her” the first time he saw her even though he knew she was married. Eddie says that he was at a get-together with Ryan, and one of Ryan’s own friends said to him, “His thing is to go after married women. Watch your wife around him.” Dude. Duuuuuuudeeeeeee. DUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEE. That is bad. Like, get out the Shannon Beador lying under a gravestone meme; that’s how bad it is.
We already know that Ryan is a serial cheater and has stepped out on every woman he’s ever been with, including when he and Jenn were “on a break.” Now we find out that married chicks are his thing? He must get off on having something that is someone else’s or something he’s not supposed to have. Is Ryan like the OC Cuck Master or something? Is that his kink?
None of this is bad. If Ryan wants to cheat on everyone he’s ever been with, then let him. I would suggest an open relationship would be an easy solution, but in his 20-something years of flagrant diddling, Ryan has yet to figure it out, so maybe it’s not as obvious as you would think. Also, if his kink is to be King Cuck, also good for him. Be consenting adults and fuck in as many adventurous permutations as your imagination can manifest. Shit, go to Burning Man and lie down in an orgy tent for a week coating your naughty bits in lube and glitter. I don’t give a fuck.
The problem is this doesn’t seem to be the kind of relationship that Jenn wants. She wants a man with a capital M. She wants someone who will be there for her all the time and be completely hand-to-God-and-Jim-Bellino faithful. She is not wrong to want that. However, she will not get that from Ryan, a man with a golden retriever named Maverick. (Did you know former Housewives Lydia McLaughlin and Eva Marcille both have sons named Maverick?) When she sits him down and explains everything that happened in Montana, he says the reason everyone’s saying this is because “jealousy is a bitch.” He thinks that everyone sees their love and wants to destroy it.
I have said it before, and I will say it again: Jealousy is never why anyone does anything. These people aren’t upset because they’re jealous of their relationship; they’re upset because they know that Jenn is in a bad spot. Just take what happened in the friendship between Jenn, Heather Unibrow, and Tamra. Jenn says Heath Uni and Ryan were close friends, like siblings. When she started hanging and banging with Ryan, she became very close to Heather Unibrow. The pair, along with Tamra, were like the new Tres Amigas. Um, this is cool and all, but if this happened, why couldn’t we get H.U. on the show? Hmmm? Anyway, Jenn says that Heather kept “dropping these dimes” on Ryan and it made her question her relationship with Ryan. Because of that, she had to stop hanging out with Heather Unibrow.
Jenn? Seriously? You know what they say: chicks before dicks, brahs before bras, shimbos before himbos. The reason that Heather Unibrow, someone who knows Ryan intimately, was dropping these dimes was to warn you. You should have doubted your relationship with this guy, which is why Heather was telling you all of this. She was basically saying, “I know how Ryan works and he will never emotionally fulfill you. Know that.” Then she inhaled off her Allison DuBois Brand Vaping Device and we all thought she was wrong for a decade. We didn’t listen to Allison back then, but Jenn, perk up your ears because you’re in danger, girl, and you better get the fuck out of there.
There is one other question that really needs to be addressed: Should Gina talk to Travis about the stuff with her ex? This comes up on the tail end of a rather delightful trip to Montana where Heather Doublebrow ordered $465.92 worth of weed, and God bless the stoner saints that are our editors who said this happened “4 months and 20 days ago.” I love that Heather smokes pot on occasion, and I like that it’s legal in enough places that we can see it on Housewives now. My Dream Bravo Blunt Rotation looks something like this: Porsha Williams, DJ James Kennedy, Heather Gay, Kate Chastain, and whatever twink Andy Cohen just dumped ’cause he’ll have all the tea. (Please share yours at #DreamBravoBluntRotation.)
She even gets the ladies all stoned, so stoned they don’t want to sleep in the tents in the wilderness. They go back to their villa, where they do silly dances around the kitchen, pour Champagne all over the counter, and wipe someone’s bare ass with a paper towel. Wait, what? What did I just see? Whose ass is that in a thong and why is it hanging out and why is someone wiping it with a paper towel when it doesn’t even appear to be wet? Is this just practicing for being in the nursing home or getting a job in one? Is this Ryan’s other kink? Wait. Is Jenn an adult baby? That’s it. It’s canon. Jenn Pedranti is an adult baby. (Not really, but we can pretend.)
The next day, everyone has a great time. Heather, Shannon, and Gina fall down repeatedly in a stream in the slapstick, all-female remake of A River Runs Through It. Jenn, Tamra, and Taylor go white-water rafting with a dude named Kevin, who keeps letting his balls fall out of his shorts. I don’t know, I’ve worn some short shorts in my day and I’ve never shown brain. Wouldn’t you feel it? Wouldn’t you know one ball was colder than the other? But they were so distressed by the ball that Tamra and Jenn couldn’t paddle at all, with Taylor shouting at them using the world’s largest subtitles. I’m sorry, but my favorite genre of Housewives is “the women being bad at things.” I could watch these women fail at any single activity known to man and still enjoy myself. I could watch them play cribbage backward and just guffaw and guffaw until I turn into a golden retriever named Maverick.
That night at dinner, when doing their “peach and pit,” which is a cheater-brand version of “rose and thorn,” a dinner-party game invented by Bethenny Frankel in the year of our lord 2014, Heather says that her “pit” was that she felt left out by Tamra and Shannon. She says that when Shannon came into the group, Heather was at odds with Tamra so Shannon and Heather never got close, but Tamra and Shannon did. Now Heather feels left out. Everyone has a buddy. Gina has Emily. Tamra has Shannon, but also Jenn and also Taylor. Heather has nothing other than her unblinking desire to be drafted into the big leagues: RHOBH.
It comes back to the topic of whether or not Gina should talk to her boyfriend, bear icon Travis, about her issues surrounding her ex. I don’t know, I’m with Heather on this one. I think that if you’re having issues getting over your last relationship, that is what you talk to your friends about. And, if your friends get sick of hearing about it, then you go to a therapist to talk about it. Then, in your therapist’s office, you will meet Jon Bon Jovi and have hot but awful sex with him. Well, that’s what happened on Sex and the City, a show that we all know is exactly like real life and not a fantasy at all.
But as our women were going around the table talking about it, I didn’t like Heather saying, “How much will Travis put up with?” It makes it sound like Gina keeps trauma dumping on him like she’s Miranda Sings and he’s a 14-year-old who just got her used lingerie in the mail. When Gina brings this up to Travis, a man who could join my #DreamBravoBluntRotation if he orders the Domino’s, he says that of course she can talk to him about it. She’s his person and he wants to help her get through all the awful things that have ever happened to her. We all love Travis a little bit in the moment and know that he will never leave us or try to sleep with a married woman. Please, no matter what you do, don’t ever introduce him to Ryan.
