I’m learning more and more about Joey each week. With each little interaction, I’m getting more and more insight into who this little cream puff is. Let’s be clear: I’m not learning any biographical information, like where he’s from or who his family is. And I also want to be absolutely clear: I will NOT be researching this man and his previous activities. I’ve seen him hold a tennis raquet, and that’s enough for me. I’ve seen a lot of people online talk about how Li’l Joey is a man written by a woman. I don’t know if that’s entirely true, but if it is, that woman is definitely a third-grade teacher.
If Li’l Joey is one thing, he’s an active listener. He is following up a statement with a question. He’s repeating key information. He’s telling the reader during Out Loud Reading Circle who is struggling to take their time. This man has big “Classroom Aide” energy, and I’m here for it.
So, when it comes to the meltdowns and vulnerability in this episode, I feel like we’re in good hands. I feel like this hazelnut éclair is going to guide us through. After a series of Bachelors who can only manage “Wow, thank you for sharing that” and “Hmmm,” Li’l Joey follows up with, “Wow, that sounds like that was difficult for you, and I want to hear more about why you’re so passionate about that now.” It is a BREATH of FRESH! Please continue to gently parent us through the season, Li’l Joey. We’ve all got big feelings. Let’s get into it.
Okay, The Bachelor editing team. We get it. You’re starting at the end and then flashback to the beginning. Whatever template in Final Cut Pro you’re using, you’ve got two more uses before the free trial is up. This week, we’re seeing Lauren have a red-velvet-related crisis. But we’re not there yet.
The chronological timeline begins with Jesse taking a tennis lesson from Joey, and he reminds us that he’s a great communicator and that if he’s as good at dating women as he is at playing tennis, this season is going to be a dream. Please, don’t curse us, Jesse. Meanwhile, the women are arriving at the mansion, and I thought I was watching a computer-generated image that had been copied and pasted because every ladytestant was wearing light-colored straight-legged denim and a tight neutral-colored shirt. There was the occasional corset top or sweater thrown over the shoulders, but this is some clean vanilla-latte Erewhon smoothie-girl aesthetic, and I need one of them to have close the Shein tab. (Remember when Shein was a sketchy Amazon vendor that we all knew not to buy? What a time that was.)
There will be two group dates and a one-on-one date. First up, Rachel, Taylor, Kelsey T., Lexi, Evalin, Erika, Maria, Lauren, and Jess get the date card that says, “Here comes the bride.” I braced myself for a tough mudder wearing wedding gowns, but it was just a pretty sedate wedding reception with nine brides. As they record promotional content on a GoPro, the unexpected wave of grief hits Lauren, and she can’t really process her feelings about her recently deceased father and weddings in general. She also decides that the best course of action is to shove everything down and silently suffer the whole afternoon. The people of Philadelphia aren’t exactly known for sitting quietly and withdrawing, but man, oh man, does Lauren completely turn inward. The whole reception is focused on Joey selecting one woman to have a first dance with at the end of the day, and the “challenges” are just regular wedding activities like greeting a table of strangers.
Who … who are all these people at this reception? The Craigslist ad for this must have been nuts. This is what SAG striked for.
The most notable activity is the musical chairs to sit next to Joey, and Evalin positively launches her entire body over the TABLE, lands headfirst in Lauren’s lap, and then tries to play it off so casually. I’m getting the sense that Evalin has never done anything casually in her entire life. (Also, insert every Twitter meme of that GIF of the guy jumping on the judge here.) The random guests clink their glasses to encourage Jess and Joey to smooch, and Taylor is FURIOUS. She doesn’t buy Jess’s “Little Southern Girl bit” and says, “I’m not trying to be a bitch.” Haha, girl, yes you are. Rachel gets the first dance, and she and Joey are serenaded by legendary performer Michael Bolton. ABC said, “We need these goddamn ratings! Up the music budget!” Rachel steals several make-outs on the dance floor, and it’s time for the after-party.
Let me just say this: I kind of love Maria? She pulls Joey first and says she needs to slip into something more comfortable and reappears in an outfit from the Cristal Connors Formal Collection. A bra, a bolero, and a lace maxi skirt are somehow more comfortable than a little white corset dress. She laughs and says, “I’m not trying to seduce you.” What a hot bitch. She comes back to the group, and everyone’s eyes pop out of their heads. Maria is playing fourth- and fifth-dimensional chess. (The fifth dimension is nipples.)
The real emotional core of the after-party is Joey sitting down with Jess. She says she feels the pressure and eyes on her from other people when she has a connection with Joey and when they kiss. It reminds her of her past relationship, where there was a lot of infidelity. Joey, an adult who knows how to have a conversation, says he knows what it’s like to lose yourself in a relationship, and he loves that she showed a different side of herself. She gets the group date rose.
Back at the mansion, Daisy gets the one-on-one date card. I … I … uh … Listen, I’m not part of the deaf/hard of hearing community, and I do not doubt the anxiety and identity shift that happens when you lose your hearing and get a cochlear implant. Any change in your health can definitely affect how you see yourself as a partner and in relationships. Trust me, I should know. Where Daisy is on her journey toward accepting and embracing her disability is where she is. But … man, oh man, I definitely wish that we had some other narratives about disability and illness in The Bachelor franchise. That disability and illness needs to be carefully revealed and might not go over well or completely change how your potential partner might see you. It felt like Daisy spent the whole day vacillating wildly between having real chemistry with Joey (they really like each other) and feeling like the Sword of Damocles is hanging over her if she tucks her hair behind her ear to reveal her implants. She even says, “Uh … I’m starting a nonprofit,” with no other details because she doesn’t know how to start the conversation about her implants. Again, none of this is Daisy’s fault, but I wish, IN GENERAL, we were more prepared to listen to stories about disability and illness and not see them as a liability but just another facet of a person’s life. She’s clearly nervous that he’d seen her implants before she was ready to tell him and keeps saying, “I hope you’ll still see this as just something about me, and life with me is going to be different than with another girl.” Li’l Joey takes out his notebook and makes a note of everything she’s telling him. He wants to know how to best accommodate her and says he admires her resilience and how that’s something you could look for in a partner. He really, really likes her. She gets the rose.
It’s time for the second group date and … uh … what a big ol’ nothing. Jubilee and Demi meet the girls as “Veterans and Veterans of Bachelor Nation” to put the women through boot camp. Boot camp just ends up being a few jumping jacks while Demi checks her makeup. Then they’re going to play Paint Wars and … I guess? There are not really any rules, and no one gets eliminated. The teams never really strategize, and it appears the paint is just laundry baskets full of paint and water balloons. Listen, they had to arrange for Bahama (Did I hear that right? “Bahama”?), so I guess they just pulled this one out of the classics bucket.
The twist is only one person from all the women will get to spend time with Joey after the date, and Edwina is MVP, so she gets the date. She shows up at Joey’s hotel room and is smiling so hard I thought her braids were going to pop off her head. She says, “I’m going to try to be vulnerable tonight,” and a vein bursts in her eyeball. Edwina explains that she’s the oldest daughter in a Liberian family, and I wanted to wrap her in one of those metallic emergency blankets through the television. This might be the first break she’s had in her entire life. Joey makes direct eye contact and repeats what she’s saying back to her, and she starts crying. She gets the group date rose.
Back at the house, the absolute dumbest fight is brewing. Madina says that she’s the oldest in the house, and her time is limited because she’s 49. Oh no, I’m sorry, I wrote that down wrong. She’s 31. Upon reading her actual age and hearing her say that her time is limited, I turned into dust and blew away. A little while later, Maria is outside talking about Madina’s emotional confession that she was born in the early ’90s. She says, “Own it, Madina! Joey probably loves it! He probably thinks it’s hot! I’m 29! I’m not old!” and because she mentioned another woman by name, she has to be talking shit, and she has to be a mean girl. Sydney says, “I’m not going to tolerate that.”
I need Sydney to think critically for a fucking second, but instead of realizing Maria is trying to put things into perspective because, honestly, if you’re getting engaged before age 31, you’re basically a child bride. Maria is also clearly talking about herself and how she doesn’t think she or anyone else should be ashamed to remember the Ray of Light album. Sydney spins this to mean that Maria is belittling how Madina feels, and Joey needs to know.
It’s time for the cocktail party. Maria tries to talk to Madina, but Madina clearly doesn’t want to hear it because she’s got a lot to talk to Joey about. I’m guessing “seeing the Pirates of the Caribbean movies in theaters” is one of those conversation topics. But Madina is NOT INTERESTED in hearing from Maria because she’s not upset. Maria tries to figure out who told Madina, and Sydney tells her that she’s very condescending. Maria wants to clarify what Sydney heard and explain herself, which is a pretty reasonable tactic. Sydney admits she didn’t really hear anything, but it was mostly Maria’s tone. Maria says that she’s basically the same age as Madina, and if anything, being older is an advantage.
Here’s the thing: Sydney just hates Maria, and this definitely falls into that “that bitch eatin’ crackers” territory. This isn’t over.
Meanwhile, Lauren is fully melting down. She’s probably here too early after her father’s death, she’s probably not dealing well with her sister being there, too, and she does not seem to have the baseline temperament to wait for her time with Joey. She gets frustrated that she’s been ready to talk to Joey, but other people keep going before her, so … she’s going home! Her leaving is such a nonevent for her, for Joey, and for everyone else. I didn’t think it was actually happening. She sits down with Joey, and production brings her the cake she asked for, and it’s not red velvet; I knew this girl was on her way out. She rage-eats some cake with her hands, rejects any offer of Joey’s help, and disappears into the night.
Time for the Rose Ceremony. Rachel, Lexi, Kelsey A., Kelsey T., Jenn, Evalin, Autumn, Madina, Lea, Katelyn, Chrissa, Maria, Starr, Allison, and Sydney all get roses. Everyone has a baaaad feeling about next week. In the preview, the Golden Bachelor ladies return to give us a ratings bump, and Maria gets accused of being a mean girl. Everyone gather ’round while Li’l Joey leads us in the Feelings Circle.
