It finally happened! The Bachelorette finally had a spon-con date that was fun to watch and good marketing for the promoted product! The devil, Mike Fleiss, works hard, but the Barbie marketing team works harder. All I want to talk about is this Barbie date because it is fascinating to me, and I have many thoughts, but there is so much to discuss (okay, just Brayden) on either side of it. Let’s get right into it.
Everyone debriefs about the Brayden situation the morning after the rose ceremony. He’s the clear front-runner and extremely oblivious to how annoying he is, which is a surefire way to get the whole house to hate your guts. Aaron S. calls him toxic, and I’m just going to link to this Esther Perel interview about how therapy-speak is making us lonelier for no reason in particular.
Charity comes in and apologizes for ending last night’s barbecue early. She says she was disappointed by the drama and announces, “I can’t do this anymore … here in L.A.” No one is convinced by this obvious fake out, least of all Charity. She looks like a kid in a school play trying to recite an overwrought pun about George Washington or something. I thought, “Wow, it’s only episode three. Is this the earliest they’ve left the Bachelor Mansion?” until Charity announces they’re jet-setting away … to Oceanside, California. I looked it up on Google Maps — that’s a whopping 83 miles south of Los Angeles. It could have been a day trip! The Oceanside Tourism Board must have given ABC one hell of a deal.
Charity also announces that one of the contestants will get a one-on-one date on the way to Oceanside. Surprise, surprise, it’s Brayden. I’m not editorializing here; someone literally says, “Surprise, surprise.” If that wasn’t an editing trick — we don’t see anyone’s mouth move — it’s extremely bold to say with Charity sitting right there! Questioning the lead’s choices (not that she’s really in charge of these dates, but you know what I mean) is a very risky move. Anyway, Charity and Brayden get to take a helicopter down to the beach while the rest of the poor suckers have to take the bus.
Up in the air, the helicopter passes by Bachelor Mansion. Brayden jokes, “I’m turning into an evil person,” as he waves down to the boys gathered on the driveway, who are all giving the chopper the finger. I think this interaction is a good encapsulation of the Problem With Brayden. He’s not a bad person; he’s just a goober. Because, like, I get it. It’s a fucking annoying energy to be around. But when everyone is ganging up on him because they’re (understandably) tired of his whole schtick, they look like bullies. This will be my third recap defending Brayden, the human embodiment of a bubble-tea shop run by white people. If they just leave him alone, he’ll inevitably hang himself on his own mall-kiosk scarf!
The helicopter drops Brayden and Charity off in the middle of Petco Park, which is apparently where the San Diego Padres play. Brayden is extremely excited because he grew up in San Diego and exclaims, “Holy shitake mushrooms,” when he realizes they will land on the field. Charity thinks this is hilarious, and they repeat “shitake mushrooms” several times. This is what I mean about Brayden just being annoying. If Charity can deal with it, that’s all that really matters, and she seems to deal with it perfectly fine!
What Charity is nervous about is that Brayden was talking about wanting to leave after hearing about last week’s group date. She says in a talking head that she wants someone who will fight for her, and if she doesn’t think that’s him, he’s going to go home. That’s clearly not going to happen, though. I’ve watched this show for long enough to see an attempted curveball coming. Brayden successfully convinces Charity that he is here for her. He writes, “You’re worth trying for” on a baseball and gives it to Charity. (They want us to believe this is a sweet and spontaneous moment, but then why was there a Sharpie already on the table?) Brayden gets the rose, obviously.
Back at the Oceanside hotel, a group-date card arrives. Joey, Aaron B., Michael, James, Caleb, Aaron S., Sean, Xavier, Tanner, Adrian, Dotun, and John are on the card, which means Warwick gets the one-on-one. Sean is nervous because he’s had the least amount of time with Charity and really wanted the one-on-one; lucky for him, he looks a lot like Ken because …
It’s a Barbie date!!!!!!! Charity bounds up to the men in a gorgeous hot-pink shorts suit and introduces them to Jojo and Jordan, who are hosting this date, presumably because Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling were too busy being the most beautiful human beings alive. (Jojo and Jordan get a “successful bachelorette couple” chyron, lol.) We get a little video from Simu Liu, who says he’s a proud member of Bachelor Nation. (Simu, if you’re reading this, can I have $60,000? I’d love to pay off my student loans.)
I noted in the intro that this Barbie date works so well because it does the double job of being a fun-to-watch Bachelorette date and a good promo for the movie. These types of spon-con rarely do both and sometimes do neither. (Remember Ben Higgins’s awful Ride Along date?) The now-ubiquitous Barbie marketing is all about how many different versions of the dolls there are, so the guys all dress as different Kens. Some of the getups are genuinely funny — everyone was making fun of Birthday Suit Ken, but it is the first time this season I have laughed out loud at something that was intended as a joke. They’re tasked with writing a song, which is a standard date format that is often pretty cringe, but rather than start from scratch, they’re just writing new lyrics to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” I am a firm believer that working under much more specific parameters allows you to be more creative — get me drunk and ask me why Vine is better than TikTok, and I’ll explain — so I think this was a great call. However, I do feel bad for the audience who had to hear that song (badly) sung 12 times in a row.
Side note: There are a lot more group dates with audiences this season. I understand wanting a crowd to pump up the Barbie spon-con date, but why did you need to gather Bachelor Nation to watch some guys play dodgeball in their undies? Is this a budget thing to make cheap dates seem bigger? Or are they so desperate to drum up viewership that they’re taking a one-to-one marketing approach, hoping that people will tell their friends to tune in to see them on TV?
The Barbie Beach Concert kicks off, and everyone does an okay job. Unlike the rest of the men, Caleb can hold a tune, but Sean (a.k.a. Double Denim Ken) gets the one-on-one time, seemingly because he looks the most like Ken. Charity’s type is apparently “Action Figure,” and Aaron S. takes issue. Complaining that Sean is too much of a soft boy, he says, “If you want a real man who can camp, hunt, and fish, hit me up.” Gross! For one thing, that sounds exhausting. But, more importantly, it’s 2023. Ryan Gosling with bleached hair is our ideal man. On The Bachelorette of five or ten years ago, Aaron S. and his caveman mentality would be the season’s main villain. Thankfully for us, he’s easy to ignore because Charity does prefer a soft boy (me too, babe).
When Charity arrives at the after-party, Sean immediately pulls her aside, which pisses everyone else off because he already had alone time with her. Classic Bachelorette conflict. I’m not mad at it, but I also have nothing to say about it. Dotun gets the group-date rose after Charity brings him up to her room so they can have more privacy to get deep. I think she really likes Dotun, and he’s a really sweet guy, but there’s not the kind of spark I expect for an eventual winner. I guess we’ll see!
Onto Warwick’s date. Poor guy. I’ll keep this brief, mostly for his sake. While Warwick gets ready for his one-on-one date, the rest of the men talk about how forgettable he is. (Aaron S. says, “They always say the most dangerous man in the room is the one who stays quiet,” which, like, I don’t know what weird MRA message boards you’re reading, dude, but that’s not a saying.) It’s a carnival date, and Warwick adorably can’t believe they have the whole park to themselves. But things quickly go downhill. The editors do him dirty here, showing footage of dead air and Charity awkwardly trying to make conversation. Warwick says, “I think it’s going well, I think we’re connecting … but amusement parks make me tired,” right before Charity sends him packing. He yawns through his exit interview and falls asleep in the car to (the hotel where they’ll be held until filming wraps, next to) the airport. This is excruciating to watch and exactly what I want from these early episodes. More of this energy, please! I’m way more interested in the awkward realities of dating than in circular fights about semantics.
But circular fights about semantics are exactly what we’re going to get. Back at the hotel, Brayden makes an unforced error by telling the guys that he doesn’t know if he could get engaged at the end of this. Aaron B. decides he needs to tell Charity about this and pulls her aside at the cocktail party to completely misrepresent what Brayden was saying, telling Charity that “he’s been very unsure about you.” Aaron B. says he’s only telling her this because “I’ve grown protective of your feelings … I just don’t want to see you waste your time.” Barf! Again, Charity is an adult who can handle her own feelings.
To Aaron’s very minor credit, he tells Brayden what he said. Brayden makes the exact point I was going to make: Aaron can say he’s protecting Charity, but he’s really protecting himself. Or, as Brayden puts it, “Bullshit, dude; your ego got stressed because you don’t have one of these on your chest.” But this is why I hate defending this guy. Immediately after making that salient point, he says, “I wanna be like Will Smith right now — like, keep my name out your fucking mouth!” Foolish. Charity, unfortunately, does take the bait and pulls Brayden aside to hear his side of things. Her lips are pursed so tight I worry she’s going to get stuck like that. This girl is PISSED.
I do think this is an interesting conflict worth talking about; they just don’t have the right language for it because they have to use the show’s lexicon. The show’s central tension is that this is an insane way to find a spouse. But everyone has to talk around that inescapable fact, so they accuse people like Brayden of being there for the “wrong reasons” when they’re really saying, “He’s not engaging with the show correctly.” Brayden’s problem isn’t that he’s here for the “wrong reasons.” Brayden’s problem is that he takes the idea of an engagement too seriously. This may upset some people — especially Bachelor producers who frame it as a gateway to happily ever after — but an engagement is meaningless. It’s not legally binding; it just looks good on TV. The only difference between dating and being engaged is a piece of jewelry, and that’s doubly true if Neil Lane gives you a ring for free. That uncomfortable truth has given us some devastating breakups (the demise of Peter and Rachel is the most compelling storyline in the history of this franchise), but it also means people like Aaron get to run around tattling on someone for saying what we’re all thinking: This is fucking weird.
As is often the case, though, this strategy backfires on Aaron. Instead of being annoyed at Brayden, which they all already were, the rest of the men are mad at Aaron for taking up Charity’s limited time. She is so upset she cuts off the cocktail party and goes right into the rose ceremony, but not before telling Jesse that she has no problem taking Brayden’s rose away if she decides she doesn’t trust him. Before handing out the rose, Charity pointedly says, “These roses symbolize someone who I know is ready for this … by accepting a rose, you’re letting me know that you’re in agreement with that.”
Aaron B., Caleb, Xavier, Joey, Michael, John, Sean, and Tanner get roses. After some agonizing, Brayden gets to keep his rose, so Aaron S., James, and Adrian go home. Tune in next week for an Oppenheimer date to put us all out of our misery! (This is a joke, unfortunately.)
