Remember when Larsa and Lisa had the Stupidest Fight Ever about whether Lisa insulted Larsa’s new condo building and if Lisa has a mortgage or not? Well, they made a sequel: the All-New Stupidest Fight Ever, this time between Alexia and Guerdy on a boat while Adriana is trying, in vain, to film the followup to her 10-year-old non-hit dance single. I don’t even know if I can tell you what the fight was about it’s so dumb. I will attempt, however. I think that Guerdy is still mad that Alexia made fun of her charity event threw in her brother’s memory but also Alexia saying that she’s a star. Alexia is mad that Guerdy couldn’t plan her wedding party because she had another event that day, but she’s also mad that Guerdy came to her party because she should have been working. Question mark. Even the women are like, “We have no idea what is happening.” Marysol blamed it on her cocktails and because she didn’t say “cockies” for a change, we are going to give her this victory.
She’s also mad at Guerdy’s face. To be fair, Guerdy’s face moves and billows like the American flag whipping off the back of this yacht. But I love this for her. I love this for us. It’s like they invented someone to just make GIFs for us for every occasion. NeNe Leakes can finally take a day off. (When reached for comment, NeNe Leaks said, “Now why am I in it?”)
Like a barrage of GIFs this fight had everything. It started with Guerdy ignoring Alexia, then Alexia called her out, then Guerdy explained why she was mad, the Alexia explained why she was mad, then Guerdy started crying, then Alexia started crying, then they both started talking about how much they love and respect each other and hugged and it was over. It was like the seven stages of grief, the eight phases of a Housewives fight, and a five-dollar footlong all combined into one.
What a delightful throwback that mess of a music video was though. It reminds me of when Countess Luann slummed it in Atlantic City to film the “Chic C’Est La Vie”video and only Jill Zarin and Kelly Killoren Bensimon with the Douglas Elliman Team were the only two to show up. The problem with Adriana’s video is that everyone showed up but no one bothered to learn the choreography. That includes Julia, Adriana’s ride-or-die as they would call her on RHOSLC. When your bestie can’t even commit an eight-count to memory, you know your shit is busted.
But all of the ladies showed up as they are, despite the all-black dress code. Marysol came dressed as the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island with a bag full of alcohol. Lisa arrived in jeans in a pink top and quickly made her excuses about her 6-year-old’s concert that certainly did not exist. Larsa came in a black top and jeans and said there was no way that she would be in Adriana’s music video because she knows potential career-ruining embarrassment when she sees it.
Jonathan, the beleaguered video director who you know is Jonny’s gay nemesis and they slag each other off all the time when they run into each other at Twist, can’t get the women to do anything. They’re just hanging out drinking cocktails out of these weird branded white wine glasses that you know Marysol stole from a corporate event and making a lot of noise. When Jonathan finally gets them to do their little dance, none of them know any of the moves. “I’m going to go get a bottle,” Marysol says after pinching one of the gay dancers’ exposed asses.
“No, Marysol. No bottle. No bottle!” Jonathan yells frantically as he’s totally ignored. This shoot was so dumb, so disorganized, so low-stakes that I could just sit and enjoy it. This is Housewives at its finest. “These girls don’t want to do anything!” Jonathan yells to no one in particular like he’s in a bad sitcom. Um, have you ever watched a Housewives program before? You can’t even get half of these women to regularly wear underwear. You expect them to know how to do a step-touch on the back of a borrowed yacht?
While they’re all standing around wasting Adriana’s money on this shoot, Larsa finally brings up the bombshell that she dropped at the end of the last episode: she heard from a friend that Julia made out with a dude. She brings this up to Julia and she’s like, “No. Never!” Then Larsa says it was at the Surf Club. “I wasn’t even there.” Larsa says the friend took a picture and it was some designer guy. “Oh, that’s our best friend,” she says. “Yeah, we totally made out, but it doesn’t count.” I love how Julia had to ease into this confession like she is wading into a freezing pool.
Julia tells the women that if you make out in public with a friend it’s just a silly gag. It doesn’t even count. If she was making out behind closed doors, then it’s a totally different thing. Nicole says that they could never date, because she thinks that public make outs mean something. I see both points. I’ve definitely made out with friends at a dance club before and it was just being silly. (That friend was not named Molly, but she might have been involved.) But I’ve also made out in dance clubs before and it was a precursor to, well, what happens behind closed doors.
The way Julia dealt with it though was expert. She was basically like, “Yeah, I did. So what?” If she claims it and brushes it off, there is no way that the ladies can even get mad about it. But Larsa, a bird with worm, still wants to make it into a thing. After the All-New Stupidest Fight Ever, Larsa brings it up again. “I need to understand what is going on,” she says, and I think Larsa is well within the rules of engagement to do so, actually. If Julia kissed this dude in public and her friend sent her a picture, she should totally be like, “Um, what is up?”
However, what annoys me about Larsa is that she won’t respect Julia’s explanation of it. She initially said they were just having fun. When she explains it again, Julia says that she knew there was someone trying to take her picture so she and the friend decided to put on a show. Larsa says, “There were no paparazzi there. That’s a lie.” But Julia never mentioned paparazzi. She mentioned people wanting to take their picture which, well, her friend did. This all makes total sense to me, even if Larsa doesn’t want to believe it.
Alexia hates all of this because she is finding it very hard to get attention even though she is wearing a dress the color of whatever is currently leaking out of Lenny’s pee-pee hole. She then accuses Larsa of attacking Julia. I wouldn’t say it was an attack, but it was a coordinated offense, but sure. I’ll give this to Alexia. Then she and Kiki start yelling somehow. Then Kiki is devouring a half-eaten Whopper that emerged from a greasy Burger King bag and I now have so many questions, the first of which is, “Are there also onion rings in that bag?” The second is whether or not this is product placement. I mean in the past year we’ve had Kandi and Marlo making up over KFC, Sutton and Erika making up over Popeye’s, and now Kiki freaking out over BK. You know Andy Cohen is seeing at least a little bit of this dosh.
The Larsa and Julia fight continues at Julia’s housewarming party, but first we need a home visit between Guerdy and her husband, Russell. This guy. I swear. He is hot, he is quiet, he does whatever he is told, and, based on next week’s preview, he wants to screw all the time. Clone this man immediately. Every household needs a Russell. Then he put on a pair of blue plastic gloves and applied her fake tan while she did work emails. Holy shit. How much is a Russel clone? $17 billion? Sold!
Guerdy is the first to arrive at Julia’s house and, even though she’s upstairs getting ready, Julia tells her on the phone that Kiki has been uninvited to the party. Say what now? This is not a nice thing to do to a “friend of” who gets paid per day of filming. It’s one thing to kick Alexia out, but don’t come for Kiki’s check. Julia’s explanation is something about how Kiki was yelling at the video shoot and now she can’t have her in her home for a party that is only attended by Housewives and not even Jonny, who is in Adriana’s closet for a change because he got lost on the way to Alexia’s or something. I don’t know. I can barely keep track of myself and Lane Roders (a.k.a. Blake Mitchell), you expect me to know where all the gays are at all times? Anyway, what Julia was really trying to say was, “I disinvited Kiki because Adriana told me I had to.” I buy that way more than her actual explanation.
Anyway, it’s hard to focus on anything at this party because Julia’s goat Elvis is there wearing a diaper and then a pair of denim overalls with a rainbow patch sewn onto the front of them. OMG, they dressed Elvis as a lesbian. I am dying. Give this goat its own show or at least its own TikTok. I would follow a he/him lesbian goat to Catholic hell and back. Even better is when Elvis’s diaper starts to slip when all of the women are fighting and Marysol is like, “Guys. Guys. This goat!”
The fight was, once again, about Julia making out with this dude. When Julia goes to attend to Elvis (who I hope is not in the building when he poos), Martina steps into the fight circle and Larsa tells her that a friend told her Julia was making out with a dude. Martina responds, “I would rather she make out with a man than a woman,” and everyone hollers and Martina doesn’t care and this potential storyline is squashed.
That’s it. That’s all we needed. Just enough light drama for one episode. Lisa dropped by the party briefly to talk about how and why Lenny is denying their divorce in the press and it gets all of the women worrying about their relationships. Once most of the guests leave, Dr. Nicole, Adriana, and Julia are out on their dock in the sunset and Martina announces she’s going for a swim. Nicole convinces Julia to get into the water to surprise her and make out and have a nice moment. She lowers herself in, still in a dress, and when Martina hits the water, Julia goes out to her, several yards of wet silk weighing her down.
She meets Martina out there in the sunset and puts her arms around her, kissing her, trying not to drown her or be too like a scene in The Notebook. For a moment, everything is perfect. There are no empty nest issues. There are no infidelities with some dude. There are no peeing goats, broken legged dogs, chickens that need a bigger house. There is no yacht party ruined by Burger King. There is no Kiki Barth scorned, which is a hell demon we will soon meet that I am terrified of. There is no divorce, there is no fighting, there is no (ugh) cancer. There is just love. Two women, spouses, in the warm Atlantic celebrating their home and their love. There is just the fading light of an amazing evening, the warmth of friends, the memory of far too many yellow dresses, and the bleat of an incontinent mammal coming from the lawn. Hopefully the lawn.
