‘John Carpenter’s Vampires’
Attaching the phrase “John Carpenter’s” to any item immediately makes it 10,000% more appealing. “John Carpenter’s Vacuum Cleaners”? Take my money. “John Carpenter’s Emergency Appendectomies”? Do you take Aetna? And what of John Carpenter’s Vampires? Well, do you like your vampire hunters to swear unapologetically, party with prostitutes, and insist upon calling high-ranking officials in the Catholic church “Padre”? If so, you’re in for a treat.
James Woods — I know, I know; believe me when I tell you that his assholian dickishness is a personality trait that serves him quite well in this role — stars here as a cigar-chomping fella who spends his entire waking life invading vampire nests armed primarily with a giant speargun, a weapon he uses to drag sleeping vampires into the sunlight so he can watch them explode like fireworks on the Fourth of July. It also stars Daniel Baldwin (here at the apex of his sweaty, overweight, completely coked-to-the-gills period) and Sheryl Lee, an actress who never fails to commit. And, as we stated previously, John Carpenter directed the damn thing so you know it’s got both grit and flair in spades.