We'll Tell You Whut

Arlen Beauty Academy: Where Luanne studies chemical relaxants, the dangers of henna, and other Advanced Hairstyling Theory.

alt.conspiracy.black.helicopters: Favorite Internet site of paranoid, government-hating Dale.

Bacon grease: Better than mayo on a sandwich.

Crackheads and debutantes: What that big city Dallas is crawling with, according to Hank.

Celery Head: Prop comic worshiped by Bobby (sample routine: Eddie Cheddar plays the guitar with a hunk of cheese).

Crematoriums: Important buyers of Hank’s propane.

Dale’s Dead Bug: Arlen’s most chemical-heavy pesticide firm, owned by, well, Dale.

Douglas, Michael: Star whom budding cosmetician Luanne most wants to make over — especially those baggy eyes.

Eco-Kill: Method of killing fire ants using flies, not chemicals. ”This is exactly what those environmentalists should be spending their time on,” says Hank. ”Finding forms of nature to use against other forms of nature that are inconvenient to man.”

Faux-Fu: Tofu substitute, for those who are tofu intolerant. Not a Hank fave.

Father-Son Funshoot: Riflery contest that encourages bonding through blood lust; sponsored by the Arlen Endowment for the Arts.

Giblet-Head: Hank’s affectionate nickname for his pal Dale.

Hank’s Wife: What Cotton Hill, Hank’s father, calls Peg. As in ”Hello, Hank’s Wife.”

Indian, American: As in healer John Red Corn. As in don’t tell Dale who his wife’s with.

King Mulch: Massive mulching machine that can take on a Texas-size pile of twigs.

”Kick his ass”: Hank’s proposed solution to a variety of problems.

Lubbock’s Very Large Shoes: Store where Peg secretly buys her size 16 footwear.

Ladybird: The Hills’ purebred Georgia bloodhound, a descendant of the pooch that tracked down James Earl Ray.

Mangione, Chuck: Horn player who made the Jazzercise tape enjoyed by Peg and Luanne.

Mega Lo Mart: Arlen store where you can buy ”everything and a whole lot more.”

Ninth Annual Dallas Mower Expo: Event featuring ”the latest in grass-cutting technology,” along with attractions such as Liberace’s bejeweled mower.

Order of the Straight Arrow: Boy Scout-like club in Arlen that shamelessly co-opts sacred Indian rituals.

Pleasure Kill and Leisure: A Hill subscription featuring lots of nice guns.

Propane Illustrated: Another Hank must-read.

Queen: The powerful, odor-emitting fire ant that enslaved our little Bobby.

Recline-O-Mite: Hank’s favorite chair.

Shins: Body part that Cotton Hill lost to ”Tojo” in WWII.

Substitute Teacher of the Year 1996: That would be Peg.

Shiny Pines Trailer Park: Tornado magnet and former home of Luanne.

Tom Landry Middle School: Where Bobby learns his ABCs.

Trebek, Alex: Game-show host coveted by female Hills. (Luanne: ”Do you think Alex Trebek is sexy?” Peg: ”Get out of my mind, Luanne!”)