Celebrity Gift Guide

To pouty starlet Angelina Jolie (1): A lifetime supply of Blistex

To Kid Rock (2), overexposed rocker: A shirt

To Matthew McConaughey, overexposed bongo player: Pants

To Eyes Wide Shut stars Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman (3): The last two years of their lives back

To Gary Coleman (4), self-professed virgin: A date with Mini-Mimi

To the singing stars of the ”Everybody in…” Gap ads: Facial expressions

To eerily stoic actor Keanu Reeves (5): Facial expressions

To feuding girl group TLC: For L, anger-management classes; for T&C, flame-retardant pajamas

To Jason Biggs (6), onanistic star of American Pie: An endorsement deal with Entenmann’s

To Jerry Seinfeld and Jessica Sklar (7), commitment-phobic fiances: Three weeks

To Puff Daddy, Spanish-language butcher: Berlitz tapes

To Chris Rock (8), subversive emcee extraordinaire: A hosting gig at the Oscars

To preternaturally pneumatic singer Britney Spears (9): Anna Nicole Smith‘s training bras

To Howard Stern, newly separated shock jock: A copy of How to Pick Up Skanky, Lesbian, Jell-O-Wrestling Hos

To Warren Beatty, aspiring presidential candidate: Dick Morris’, uh, services

To the infamous Jar Jar Binks: A bulletproof vest

To the makers of unstructured horror flick The Blair Witch Project: A copy of Final Draft scriptwriting software

To the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync, rival popsters: A copy of Chicken Soup for Boy Bands

To May-December victims Lara Flynn Boyle and Catherine Zeta-Jones: Honorary subscriptions to Modern Maturity

To the almighty Sopranos (10): Their own 24-hour cable network

To David Blaine (11), self-entombing magician: A case of pine-tree air fresheners

To overenthusiastic Italian star Roberto Benigni (12): A muzzle