Brad's gal visits: He drinks, she apologizes

Brad’s gal visits: He drinks, she apologizes

Mixing young love and Jack Daniels can make for a tempestuous lifestyle. The only thing that could make it more complicated would be having the IQ of a fruit rollup. Now you’re starting to see why Brad’s life is so gosh-darned complicated.

Even though he and his girlfriend Andrea ostensibly split up, on the March 9 episode of ”The Real World” she came to visit him for a weekend. Brad had mixed emotions about her visit, saying, ”It could totally start messing with my head again.” (To put this in perspective, here are some other things that mess with Brad’s head: putting things in alphabetical order; trying to remember not to swallow his gum; and the concept of ”lefty-loosey, righty-tighty.”)

Brad decided to clear his head by erasing his brain. After heading to the world’s most underattended party (apparently nothing clears a room like the arrival of the ”Real World” gang), Brad shared a bottle of J.D. with Big Rand, then proceeded to pick a fight and, hilariously, get thrown in the drunk tank again, from where he emerged the next morning, staggering home shoeless and screaming at scooter drivers who won’t give him a ride. Brad seems to be patterning his life after ”Mr. Show”’s Ronnie Dobbs.

By the way, I’ve finally figured out what Jamie’s role is in this show: She’s the ”Whaaaaa?” girl. When any roommate has done something insane (in this case, Brad going missing), and others in the house are discussing what they’re gonna do, that’s when Jamie emerges from the other room, gets filled in on the news, and drops her mouth open, saying, ”Whaaaaa?” And then she vanishes again, until the next time Frankie hooks up with the local graffiti artist’s intern or Randy gets his head caught in a beer cooler.

Andrea arrived, and no doubt all her old feelings were rekindled when she saw her exhausted, still-drunk ex pick her up, full of complaints about how tired he was. Come on, how could you not take him back? If only he’d rifle through her wallet and steal cash to hire a prostitute, he’d be the perfect man!

Throughout all this, the other roommates were obsessed with Cameran: They were convinced that she was jealous of Andrea. The proof was that she was walking around the room complaining about being constipated. I’m married, so I forget the dating rules: Is complaining about blocked-up stool the best way to woo a man away from his girlfriend? ”I know we’ve got history, baby, but there’s something about that girl’s yapping about her inability to crap that just makes me want to throw it all away!” (Another digression: I certainly hope the local burrito emporium Santana’s wasn’t paying for product placement, because hearing a patron complain about her postmeal stomach ailment ain’t exactly the hard sell.)

There was no evidence at all that Cameran was still pining for Brad. Actually, her avoiding him the entire weekend could speak more to the fact that after seeing the way he treated Andrea, she couldn’t bear to watch him anymore. I could barely take seeing it, and I swear I don’t have a crush on him. Sure, as this season continues, they may hook up and I may turn out to be wrong, but that’s what I’d deserve for attempting to predict ”Real World” actions based on ordinary human behavioral trends.

Then came the least palatable house party yet, as Randy brought over a bunch of apparently underage women to get drunk. (”He’s on R. Kelly status right now,” joked Jacquese.) So let me get the San Diego police’s priorities straight: When a woman punches a guy in the arm, they leap into action to arrest her. But when a guy plies a station wagon full of teenyboppers with hard alcohol, they’re off duty?

Throughout the evening, Brad ignored Andrea in order to entertain the young ladies. When she finally got mad at him, he called her a bitch and told her ”pack your f—ing bags.” And the next morning, she apologized to him. I’ll repeat that: SHE apologized to HIM. She makes a Stepford wife look rebellious. Brad forgave her, saying, ”If everyone had a dollar for every time they acted dumb in this house, no one would have any financial problems.” And if they had a shot of tequila for every dumb thing, Brad would get his own room at the drunk tank.